Success Pointers

Smile-Your Countenance Matters!

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Being half Irish, I love celebrating St. Patrick’s Day  I may not be a big fan of corned beef and cabbage, but bring on a pint of green brewsky and a good rendition of “When Irish Eyes are Smiling” and I’m in the zone!  
 
Have you ever thought about what your eyes—what your countenance in general, really—say about you? When I first meet someone, I look at their eyes  (are they kind?) and their mouth (are they joyful?). Sound crazy? Actually, these cues are often spot on, indicators of a person’s level of engagement. If the eyes and mouth don’t make a great first impression, it’s likely the rest of the person won’t either.
 
What impression do you give other people when they meet you for the first time? Your countenance matters! After all, the person you just met could become a new friend, future spouse, future in-law, potential employment reference, employer, manager, industry contact, mentor, or client. The fact is, life is a series of chance moments with others, and you never know what might become of the people you meet and the role they could play in your life.
 
There’s a wise saying: “You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.” In fact, most employment recruiters will say that the first 30 seconds of an interview will make or break your chances! Yes, that’s 30 seconds! For some, it only takes five!
 
In order to foster successful new relationships, it’s essential to make a great first impression with everyone you meet. Here’s all it takes:
 

  • Demonstrate through your countenance, words, and body language that you’re happy to meet them
  • Give a firm, confident handshake and look them in the eye
  • Smile and be positive and enthusiastic
  • Be inquisitive. Show an interest in them and in what they say. Focus more on listening to them than talking about yourself.
  • Remain engaged in the conversation and avoid distractions like calls and texts
  • Use good manners and be gracious

 
Surprisingly, many people just don’t get it. They allow negative thoughts, cynicism, suspicion, self-focus, and indifference to cloud their countenance. They may not realize it, but it shows—and it can be a real turnoff. They may say all the right things, do all the right things, yet wonder why others aren’t warming up. Many times, it all comes down to countenance. Your smile can make all the difference!
 
Just for fun, here are a few of my favorite smiles—people who are revered by their fan bases:
 

 

Magic Johnson after the famous Lakers Win May 16, 1980

 

 

Paula Creamer

 

 

Donald Driver

 

 How are your eyes and smile looking these days? What do they reveal about you? Try asking a few trusted friends about what your countenance is saying. Be sure you’re making a terrific first impression—there’s more at stake than you think!
 
Think about the people you are drawn to—and those you aren’t. Then think about their eyes and smiles (or lack thereof). Does their countenance play into your impression of them? What type of impression do YOU make on others? Please share your thoughts and feedback with us; we’d love to hear from you.

Virginia School Counselors Rock!

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I love being with School Counselors. I think they’re the “heart of the school.” They are asked to do so much—guiding the high achiever and those who are struggling mightily with life. What’s more, the fingerprints they leave with their wisdom, care, and direction aren’t often felt until years later—long after their students have left to their next steps. It’s so reminiscent of Mr. Holland’s Opus (one of my favorite movies), where Mr. Holland had no idea of the countless students whose lives he impacted. I know I speak for the masses of graduates who look back and wish we’d thanked our counselors for pouring into our lives.   
 
Such was the case last week in Newport News, Virginia where I keynoted for the annual VSCA conference. It was a wonderful opportunity to hear from those in the trench…who are dealing with complex student and parent issues like never before. It was a privilege to say, “Thank you!” from all of us who look back with such appreciation for their guidance. These days, with the multitude of familial and cultural headwinds students are facing, it’s the school counselors who are the front line, “keeping the boat afloat.” They’re making a huge difference, one student at a time.
 
So, thank you VSCA and dear friend, Bea McLeod (pictured) for having me, and especially for all you do to serve the students of the great state of Virginia. You ROCK!

Decision-Making under Stress: Sleep on It!

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It used to be that when I was upset, I either made a rash decision or said something I would later regret. I don’t know about you, but that never worked for me!
 
I may have learned it the hard way (a few times over), but I did learn. The fact is, we don’t think as clearly when we’re in a highly emotional state. There’s too much distraction and we don’t think objectively. Today, if I’m upset and need to make a decision, I make a tentative one, but wait until the following morning to confirm it. Generally, it proves to be a better decision because my thinking is clearer and more objective the next day.
 
Why do we tend to make poor choices when we’re under stress? It’s because of our physiology—that’s right, it’s how we’re wired. But we can learn to compensate.
 
Being in a stressful situation messes with your brain—and can impair your decision-making capabilities. Why? A new study shows that in a crisis (or even what feels like a crisis), the brain tends to focus on reward, and ignore the possible negative consequences of a decision. That’s why “feel good” decisions like eating what we shouldn’t, blowing off steam by losing our temper, giving in to peer pressure, or making a rash purchase we can’t afford are more likely to happen when we are stressed-out.
 
Even worse, not only does stress make us focus on the ‘feel good” aspect of a risky decision or behavior, it impairs our ability to think about the negative consequences. (Frankly, I’d say that’s a pretty good recipe for potential stupidity, don’t you?)
 
When you’re in this situation, hold off until the following morning if you can. Think about the things that make for good decisions and force yourself to follow them. Learn to recognize and release your stress. You’ll be glad you did!
 
Have you noticed your decision-making improves when you’re not in an emotional state? How can this lesson be good for young people who may find themselves in stressful situations—do you see how they can be influenced to make potentially life-altering decisions when they’re in the wrong frame of mind? Share your thoughts by commenting below; we’d love to hear your perspective and experiences.
 
 

Success Requires Planning, Practice, and Perseverance

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We all know of brilliant, straight-A students who barely even study. The other 99% of us mere mortals have to earn it the hard way! It might be easy to conclude that most successful people owe it to raw talent and brilliance, but that’s rarely the case. Usually, other factors like commitment, focus, discipline, and a winning attitude have an even greater impact.
 
Most things in life aren’t handed to us on the proverbial silver platter—success being one of them. People who do well at what they do—whether it’s academics, sports, art, music, business, a trade, or a hobby—generally have these things common. They overcome challenges and opposition, and they do it through planning, practice, and perseverance.
 
I can’t think of a better illustration of this than the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team. The team of collegiate athletes was gathered randomly from around the nation under the leadership of Coach Herb Brooks, who developed a brutal training regimen and a strategy to win.
 
The prospects didn’t look good. They were dominated by the Soviet team in an exhibition game by a score of 10-3. But, that didn’t deter them. They tied Sweden, upset perennially strong Czechoslovakia, and proceeded to defeat Norway, Romania, and West Germany. There was just one problem. The next stop was another crack at the Soviet team, and the players were haunted by their previous humiliation. Nonetheless, Coach Brooks was relentless, challenging the team to do their best when it counted.
 
Amazingly, the U.S. scored the upset of the ages, defeating the Soviets 4-3 in a win dramatically captured in the 2004 film Miracle. As one of the millions of Americans who watched it live, I can honestly say that the last ten minutes of the game were the slowest 600 seconds in all of eternity! They went on to win the gold medal game over Finland, and rallied the country like (in my opinion) no other sporting team in history.
 
When it comes to achieving your goals, remember that you, too, can overcome great odds by applying the same 3 P’s the 1980 U.S. hockey team did: planning, practice, and perseverance. What good would it have done for the 1980 U.S. Olympic team to skate out onto the ice without the practice and grit to compete? Unfortunately, many people live that way—and they live frustrated, underperforming their potential.
 
They (mistakenly) believe they “deserve” success they’ve not earned. They show up the first day of a new job expecting the corner office and the respect of the CEO when they’ve not made the sacrifices necessary to deserve either. They resent not receiving the career opportunities they’d like or the salary they think they deserve—when they’ve not put in the study, effort, or commitment needed to earn those rewards.  We call this mindset one of entitlement—and it’s becoming a pervasive issue in our society.
 
Don’t let this attitude mark you. When you set your mind to something—whether it’s academic studies, a job, a sport, or anything else, I encourage you to do it with intentionality and excellence. Remember the adage, “Plan, practice, and persevere to succeed.” Doing this will give you the best chance in life and build great character along the way.
 
Is there a young person in your life who needs a reminder he or she is not “entitled” to success? Challenge him or her, “If planning, practice, and perseverance are keys to achieving goals, how would you rate yourself in each of these areas? Think back on a goal you didn’t achieve. How might the outcome have been different?” These are good discussions to have. Share your results with us by commenting below; we’d love to hear your stories.

Speak Don’t Freak: Improve Your Public Speaking Skills Pt. 2

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This is part two in a series on helping young adults improve their public speaking skills. Check out last week’s blog post for part one. 
 
Just as a golfer battles nerves on the first tee, most of us have butterflies when we present. The good news is they usually don’t last long, and unless it’s a really bad case, the audience won’t notice. That was my biggest takeaway when I watched a video of myself at a presentation workshop. Whew!
 
Young adults are already in a season of rampant self-consciousness and insecurity. Public speaking may seem to exacerbate the problem, but actually the opposite is true. Honing presentation skills is one of the best ways to help teens grow in confidence and self-esteem.
 
Here are some helpful tips to help your children or students handle nerves and believe in themselves when preparing to speak in public:
 
 

  1. Remember, the better prepared you are, the more confident you’ll be.
  2. Cut yourself some slack. You don’t have to be a perfect orator to win over your audience! Some nervousness is to be expected.
  3. Remember, you (usually) know more about the subject than your audience, and only you know exactly what you plan to say. If you miss something, they won’t even notice.
  4. Try to ask your audience a question as early as possible. You’d be surprised by how much this relaxes you. And, it creates a bond from the start.
  5. In most cases, the audience is on your side and they want you to succeed.
  6. If it’s a really bad case of the nerves, cough once before you enter the room. It’s a great stress reliever! No kidding!

 
Building effective communication skills in young adults should be one of our most important training priorities. It’s an essential ingredient to a successful career and plays a huge role in all of our relationships. Here’s how you can help them grow in this area:
 

  1. Encourage them to take speech classes, debate, and club assignments with speaking and leadership opportunities.
  2. Have them practice their speeches/presentations in front of you and offer positive feedback and gentle suggestions.
  3. Observe and evaluate speakers (e.g., political candidates) together to help them see the difference.
  4. Teach them etiquette and manners at every opportunity.
  5. Help them learn to read body language. Show them the difference between someone engaged and someone bored. This will serve them in social situations as well!

 
Then, watch how they conduct themselves when speaking with others (especially adults) in any situation. Praise them accordingly when you catch them doing it well. Confidence in general communications breeds confidence in presentations.
 

One day, they’ll thank you for it! (Okay, maybe.)
 


How have you trained the young people in your life or classroom to grow in confidence with their communication skills?  We’d love to hear your ideas and suggestions; please share them by posting your comments below. And then pass this post on to a friend who may benefit. We are always growing the circle!
 
 

Speak Don’t Freak: Improve Your Public Speaking Skills Pt. 1

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Ask anyone, young or old, about their greatest fear and you’ll likely hear, “Speaking in public!” That’s right…most of us suffer from glossophobia…I know I did. I had two lines in my first school play and promptly spaced on the second. My wedding vows, practiced about 857 times, didn’t go so well either. (Thankfully, it didn’t affect the outcome!)
 
Thankfully, glossophobia can be overcome through training and experience. As parents and mentors, we can help build confident, skillful communicators at a surprisingly early age.
 
Every presentation situation is unique and requires good planning in order to succeed. Here are some key skills to teach young people that can help him or her win over an audience:
 

  1. Effective planning and preparation—knowing the purpose and goals, audience, venue and layout, time allotment, technology and logistics, and formality.
  2. Recognizing it’s about them (the audience) and fulfilling their needs and expectations—not about you. Arrogance kills!
  3. Engaging the audience through questions and stories—and avoiding excessive detail and jargon.
  4. Being enthusiastic and expressive and paying close attention to their body language to gauge their interest. Be friendly and natural and don’t forget to smile!
  5. Always saving room for questions and not running over your allotted time.
  6. Making good eye contact with each audience member (where possible)
  7. Not including more than half the number of slides as minutes you have to present or more than five bullet points on a slide.
  8. If possible, knowing the personalities of your key audience members and adapting accordingly. Busy executives like compelling and succinct comments. Analytical people like facts and detail.

 
Perhaps the best advice we can give young speakers (or take to heart ourselves) is to think “share with” rather than “lecture to.” No one is nervous when sharing with friends, right? That’s the key mindset to have. Make it as conversational as you can, and, by all means, have fun!
 
Have you developed some good advice or strategies for improving your own speaking skills that you can share with young people? Please post your ideas and questions below; we’d love to hear from you! And pass this blog on to a friend, encouraging them to sign up for our e-mail newsletter. There is always room for more in our online community!
 

Embrace Constructive Feedback

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How committed are you to correcting your weaknesses and building your strengths? Do you embrace constructive feedback when it comes your way?
 
Let’s face it.  Most of us love to receive compliments—but criticism?  Not so much. Criticism, even if it’s constructive, can sometimes make us feel guilty, ashamed, or inadequate. We often become angry or withdrawn when we receive it. We can be defensive. Or, out of hurt, we turn the tables on the people criticizing us, attacking their credibility and motives.
 
The common sense reality is that if we’re genuinely interested in improving ourselves, we should be just as interested in hearing about our weaknesses as we are our strengths—even if the method of delivery is indelicate. We are, after all, a work in progress!
 
It’s a great idea to make it a practice to actively solicit constructive feedback from your superiors, friends, and role models. This means asking them questions such as:
 

  • Am I meeting your performance expectations?
  • How can I improve—as a person and as a colleague?
  • What do you see are my strengths and weaknesses?

 
It also means being able to receive the feedback with a grateful heart whether you asked for it or not. It’s natural to react defensively when someone gives critical feedback.  But if you do, you’ll miss a golden opportunity to learn and grow.  Here is some advice to receive criticism well and use it to your advantage:
 

  1. Don’t take it personally. If someone criticizes you for something you’ve done, it doesn’t mean they don’t like YOU. 
  2. Learn to separate yourself from the criticism and take it at face value. Think of it as a gift from someone who cares about you!
  3. Resist the temptation to interrupt or argue. Thank the person giving you feedback, and assure him or her you’ll take it to heart and consider it.
  4. Thank the person for the feedback. If it seems appropriate, enlist his or her help for making changes related to the advice given.
  5. Ask for specific examples of any behaviors needing improvement.

 
This is especially important for young people to embrace—a challenge when they’re exerting their independence and think they know it all. I adopted this practice early on in life and consider it one of the most valuable life lessons in my career. It made me progress that much faster by seeking the wisdom and feedback of others. It’s a hallmark of excellence!
 
Make it a point to ask for one piece of constructive feedback from someone in your life and practice responding in the ways we’ve just discussed.  Are you a parent or teacher? Share this lesson with the young people in your life. If they apply it, they’ll likely thank you for it some day!

 

Take a 3D Approach to Dating – PART 3

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(This is part three in our 3D Dating series.)

Go – ready – set!
 
What’s wrong with this picture? Well, it certainly wouldn’t work at a track meet or on your tennis serve. And, it most definitely doesn’t work when we date—as we search for that Mr. or Mrs. Right. Nonetheless, it’s one of our most common relationship mistakes.
 
Unfortunately, when emotions and/or hormones are flying, READY-SET-GO can be difficult to execute when we think we’re “in love.” Patience is an incredible virtue when it comes to dating, but it’s often the hardest thing to exhibit when infatuation is intense. And, it’s an “equal opportunity” condition that happens to both teens and adults!
 
After making the commitment to be discriminating and discerning in one’s dating choices and practices, the third quality we want to encourage is being deliberate.
 

  • Intentional.
  • Patient.
  • Friends first!

 
Although they may not actively seek it, young adults sometimes need the measured time-tested wisdom of experienced people that enduring relationships needn’t be rushed. After all, our closest relationships should be marathons rather than sprints. Approaching it as a mad dash is generally an ominous sign of insecurity among either or both parties. The Hollywood, “three months and we’re good to go” approach rarely works.
 
There’s really no downside to taking it slow—not being desperate, hurried, or pressured. If they want things to move much faster than you, it’s time to have a serious heart to heart talk and get to the root cause. More often than not, it’s either a sign of a poor fit, insecurity, or simply the wrong time.       
 
Here are some qualities of a deliberate dater worth mentioning to the young people (and dating adults) in your life:

  • Go out because you are genuinely interested, not because they’re merely the best available
  • Avoid any pressure to go faster than is right; take steps to ensure the pace of a relationship works for both of you. Stay confident and in control. You’re worth it!
  • Focus on becoming best friends first (the new BFF!) and seeing where it goes rather than emphasizing the physical.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be so consumed with a new relationship that you curtail time with friends
  • Commit to really getting to know the other person and spend lots of time talking.  (A telltale warning sign of a rushed relationship is that more time is being spent “acting” than “talking.” Taking time to develop a friendship indicates they care more about you than they do about it!)

 
By being a 3D dater, who is Discriminating, Discerning, and Deliberate, you’re much more likely to find the right one with fewer peaks and valleys (and mistakes!) along the way.
 
Have you read our entire 3D dating series?  Which quality(ies) stood out to you as the most important and why? We’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas!
 

Take a 3D Approach to Dating – PART 2

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This is part two of our “3D Dating” series, a timely topic as we head into Valentine season! We started last week with a look at being DISCRIMINATING. This week we talk about the second quality of a 3D dater -– being DISCERNING…
 
The teen years are an exciting time of self-discovery and getting to know other people. Teens are developing their own identities and learning about themselves—who they are outside of their parents and family—and are starting to recognize which kinds of friends are their best fit. But, whether they admit it or not, when it comes to relationships (and dating in particular), they still need the input of parents, mentors, and older friends to help them hone a very important quality: discernment.
 
Will your teen leave home with strong inner radar that will help guide his relationship choices? Have you equipped your young person with the gift of discernment to help her make prudent decisions in her dating life? 
 
It’s worth thinking about, because if parents don’t, others (including our media/entertainment culture) will fill in the gap! Knowing that, here are some helpful topics for you to discuss with your teen to ensure he/she is being a discerning dater:
 

  • Understanding what you each want in a relationship—your goals and expectations and ensuring they’re compatible.
  • Recognizing incompatibility of values, interests, and goals as soon as possible and  ending it if it’s not a fit. Don’t expect the other will change!
  • Ensuring that the timing is right for both of you. There’s no point investing in a new relationship if you don’t want the same thing at the same time.
  • Objectively assessing whether you’re feeling “love” or “lust.” Be brutally honest in evaluating your friend in this regard. If it’s lust, it won’t last!
  • Avoiding unsafe situations before they happen and never allowing yourself to be coerced into actions that compromise your values, risk getting out of control, or that you’ll later regret.
  • Warning them of danger signs—manipulation, put downs, physical or emotional abuse/isolation/control, pressure to drink or have sex, etc.  
  • Reminding them to stay objective and  be willing to opt out if a relationship isn’t working. Sometimes you want to make it work so badly, you overlook serious flaws. Don’t do that. 
  • Advising them not to trust too soon … don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position with someone you don’t know extremely well and with whom you’ve built a history of confidence.  Remember that true love takes time. 

 
Make sure your teens know they can talk to you at any time, without repercussion, especially if they get into a hot spot and need help. Establish a private code they can use to call or text you to let you know they need to be picked up NOW. 
 
Many troubling situations might have been avoided had the parties demonstrated discernment. Help your teen develop it.  It’s one of the most important qualities of being a healthy 3D dater! 
 
What ideas and tips do you have for teaching discernment to teens when it comes to dating? Share your suggestions with us; we and our other readers would love to hear from you!
 

Take a 3D Approach to Dating – PART 1

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Sweaty palms.
 
Racing heart.
 
Butterflies.
 
I’m not sure who has more of the above—a teenager getting ready for a date or a parent talking to him (or her) about dating!
 
No matter from whose angle you look at it, it’s a hot topic.
 
Whether a young person is in high school, college or already launched into their career, an independent social life can be the best of worlds and the worst of worlds. On one hand, there are so many new people to meet and things to do. On the other hand, it’s a time when many lives get derailed because they can’t handle the responsibility that accompanies this newfound freedom. Unfortunately, the consequences of these mistakes can be far reaching and life altering.
 
The fact is, even responsible dating comes with its share of challenges. That’s because: 1) many people define their own self-worth based on whether they’re “together” with someone and struggle with loneliness and doubt when unattached, 2) dating is a “trial and error” process with many dead ends or worse, and 3) there are two parties involved, each with their unique needs, goals, feelings, and interests. Two don’t always tango and it takes time to discover that.
 
So, what’s the best way to navigate this process? Encourage your young adult to try a 3D approach to dating—being: 1) Discriminating, 2) Discerning, and 3) Deliberate.
 

  1. Discriminating: In order for your dating to have worth and potential, you’ve got to be discriminating (i.e. highly selective) with your choices. The problem is, many people define their self-worth by whether they’re “with” someone, so they date for dating’s sake, often compromising their values along the way. The results are never pretty. Being a discriminating dater means:
  • Knowing the qualities you admire and that attract you to another person; these are the characteristics that are right for you.
  • If you don’t see a fit, moving on. Never waste your time on those you know are dead ends. It’s not only good for you, but it’s also the right thing for them.
  • Above all, focusing on values and your ability to become best friends. Do everything in your power to emphasize the non-physical over the physical when you’re assessing your compatibility. Think BFF: Best friends first! Remember, love can be blind…at the worst of times! 

 
I hope you’ll share these principles with a young adult in your life. Be sure to check back for my next blog in this series, where you’ll learn the second step in the 3D dating process—being DISCERNING…
 
What are ways you’ve found to help young adults develop discernment in their dating choices? Please share your ideas and experiences with us; this is a hot topic and we’d love to hear your input!