“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… Unless you fail to make the turn.”
Last week, we talked about the importance of resilience. Adversity is unavoidable and comes in many forms, so we so we shared five tips for developing resilience, (If you don’t want to read the entire blog from last week, here’s a summary of our five pointers: Keep a healthy perspective, know your worth, tap into your support system, take care of your health, and forgive.)
While we hope these five tips will help you build resilience and avoid self-pity or defeat, we thought it might be helpful to talk about what resilience doesn’t look like. This way, we can evaluate our tendencies when dealing with adversity. So, without further ado’, here are five examples of non-resilience when facing trials:
Making excuses and blaming. This is a common response when adversity stems from our own mistakes or underperformance. And, why not? Isn’t it easier to try to justify ourselves than to admit we’ve blown it? However, making excuses will never propel us forward, and it’s a colossal turnoff to others. If you want to better yourself and your relationships, remember to choose to accept responsibility and learn from your mistakes. It’s one of the surest signs of maturity.
Using drugs or alcohol to cope. These are false comforts that mask the negative emotions (anxiety, despair, sadness, loneliness, etc.) we often experience when living through adversity. In fact, drugs and alcohol actually make things worse. Not only do they prevent us from dealing with the situation at hand, they can cause us to make poor decisions that only make matters worse. So, if you’re going through tough times, please reconsider reaching for that bottle of wine (or drug of choice). You will not come out on the other side with clarity, joy, or a solution. Rather, try those tips we shared last week.
Withdrawing. It can be tempting to lean on ourselves or deny the problem when the going gets rough. Social withdrawal can be especially damaging because our friends, family, and other relationships are incredibly useful (and willing!) resources to help us deal with adversity. Isolating ourselves from the world and refusing to accept our current reality will only make matters worse—it can lead to self-pity, bitterness, and depression. Resilience manifests itself as the opposite of withdrawal. It means facing your challenges head on and relying on the support and wisdom of others to help get you through. #dontgoitalone!
Whining. Nope—just don’t do it. If you feel that you need to be vocal about the adversity you’re facing, try using humor. (Humor, can, in fact, cause you to think more creatively. It’s great for problem solving and definitely more constructive than whining!) Whining will only damage your credibility—it won’t do anything to fix your problem. And, it’s BORING!
Withering. In the last few years, we’ve witnessed a popular trend on campuses of seeking protection from anything that we either disagree with or might bother us. Such students are demonstrating an unprecedented level of fragility and hypersensitivity that is worrisome. Further, it reinforces the entitlement mentality that is permeating the younger generation. It’s time for administrators to step up. This is not preparing them for life after college.
Although it would be nice if there were a magic antidote to our adversity, we all know it doesn’t exist. It’s why developing resilience is paramount.
So, how do you approach adversity when it strikes? Do you have other examples of what resilience doesn’t look like to share with us? We’d love to hear!
As much as we all wish that life was an easy, straight shot road to success and happiness, we know that isn’t the case. Even when we practice diligence, discipline, commitment, respect, honesty, and integrity as we work toward our goals, there’s simply no way to avoid pitfalls and obstacles in life. We’ve talked about handling adversity before, but this week we’d like to specifically address developing the character quality of resilience.
Resilience is defined by Merriam Webster as: “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” Take a moment to reflect on how you usually respond to difficult situations in life. Do you bounce back quickly, or do you let life’s trials negatively affect your mood, outlook, relationships, motivation, and work/school performance?
Resilience is not a character trait we are born with. Sure, maybe some are naturally “tougher” than others, but it’s important to remember that resilience is a value we must develop within ourselves. Being resilient means making a conscious choice to not let adversity drag you into defeat or despair. It means choosing to look for a deeper meaning and potential life lesson in each bump in the road and forging ahead to the other side of the valley.
It is difficult to generalize on resilience because adversity comes in many forms, such as:
Personal underperformance—bombing the exam, being cut by the team, throwing a costly interception, forgetting lines in the play, getting laid off from the job, losing an election, etc.
Group underperformance—losing a winnable game, bombing a group project, losing a major contract to a competitor, etc.
Consequences of unhealthy/unwise/damaging decisions
Social/relationship struggles—challenges with making friends in new environments, maintaining friendships, break ups, family battles, etc.
Bad luck—life’s lemons that just happen…to us all.
As you can see, some adversity is from our own doing, but much of it is not. We don’t always have control of our situations, but we DO have control over how we approach our battles and challenges. And, that’s where resilience comes in.
With all that in mind, here are five tips to help you develop resilience in your own life:
Keep a healthy perspective. Remember that everyone faces challenges and adversity, and some of the richest aspects of our life journey come from battling through our toughest times. We grow as a person and, in time, can use these experiences to come alongside others who are facing similar challenges. So keep the faith and work through the problem to the best of your ability, realizing that (in many cases), good can come from it. Today’s valley is NOT your new normal.
Know yourself and your worth. When you have a strong sense of self, you are less likely to let insecurity and uncertainty drag you down. When you are self-assured, you can confidently handle life’s curve balls and know that mistakes or other negative circumstances are not a direct reflection of who you are as a person. And, you will be less likely to blame yourself for situations outside of your control. #Icandothis!
Tap your support system. Whether you rely on your siblings, parents, friends, neighbors, mentors, or faith community (if applicable), it’s important to have a safe network of people who you can talk to and lean on during hard times. Make sure you have people in your life whom you trust to give you helpful, truthful, and constructive advice. It’s nearly impossible to be resilient when you’re going through life on your own. Surround yourself with positive influences through thick and thin. And, don’t hesitate to seek professional help if needed.
Take care of your health. We’ve all realized at some point in our lives that our mental and physiological health are very closely connected. High levels of stress and other damaging emotions can lead to a greater increase of sickness, pain, and exhaustion. In order to handle adversity with resilience, make sure you are sleeping well, eating healthy, and getting in some physical activity. It matters much more than you may think!
Forgive. Depending on the source of your adversity, it may involve forgiving yourself or others. It’s not always easy, but it’s difficult to truly recover without it.
When life hands you a lemon, your resilience, courage, determination, and positive support system will help you through. Being able to look beyond your current circumstances and knowing that your life is not going to crumble because of them is key. More often than not, our best life lessons and personal growth come from the hard times. So, when you build resilience, every sphere of your life will benefit. You are a special and unique person—have confidence that you can always find a way to persevere, overcome, and make a comeback. #Yesidid!
Last week, we talked about risk aversion (especially in millennials and the younger generation) and the importance of stepping out of your comfort zone in all areas of your life. We are continuing that theme this week. (If you missed last week’s blog, you can find it here.)
When we think about our favorite feel-good movies—those with memorable heroes and heroines and happy endings that make our souls feel full—what’s the general plot line that comes to mind? For many of us, they feature protagonists who boldly step out of their comfort zone, defy the status-quo, and take risks with highly uncertain outcomes. We see them believe in themselves enough to try, work their tails off, overcome obstacles of all sorts (including fear), and eventually, win the prize.
We like these kinds of movies because they make us feel empowered and hopeful. But, honestly, how many of us actually live out our day-to-day lives like the heroes and heroines in our favorite movies? Are we willing to push back against the nay-sayers, summon the courage,, and boldly forge ahead, even if we don’t know how things will turn out?
This week, in our second installment in our series on risk aversion, I’d like to share three more benefits to stepping out of your comfort zone and living a fearless, confident life.
Successful people go for it. It’s one of the most identifying hallmarks of a true leader. They take each situation as it comes, and make a decision out of confidence rather than fear. Successful people do not fear what others think, nor do they let their insecurities hold them back from pursuing their goals. And, they’re not shy about expressing their views, even if their opinion might be contrary to others.
(In the same vein, know that it’s perfectly normal to care about or acknowledge what other people think of you. The key is making sure you do not fear their opinion, nor let their opinion determine the way you feel about yourself.)
One of the greatest joys in living life—our biggest confidence booster and our biggest source of motivation—is stretching ourselves, trying something new, and being surprised by an amazing outcome. In most cases, whenever you decide to simply “go for it,” you’ll be glad you did.
We often try to avoid uncertainty, because, well… it can be uncomfortable. However, life is full of uncertainty, yet true leaders take the time and initiative to solve problems. Understand that life is a learning process, and the process itself sometimes matters more than the outcome! Even if things don’t turn out as hoped, at least you tried AND you gained a learning experience to help you the next time.
Consider making a list of the things you’ve been wanting to do or try but you’ve been hesitant to take the plunge. Do you see any common denominators? What’s the underlying risk aversion or insecurity? Vow to yourself that you will consciously decide to step out of your comfort zone and follow those pursuits. Trying is a sign of self respect!
Many (and I mean MANY) people cite their biggest life regrets as the risks they didn’t take. So, I encourage you today… raise your hand. Be the first to answer the question. Accept that job. Move to that city. Take on that internship. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and refuse to live your life with regret! Maybe it’s time to take off those training wheels, and give it a go!
If you’re like me, you’ve probably heard some conflicting descriptors of Millennials. Some will say how creative, relational, and connected they are. Others will marvel at the emphasis they put on the meaning of their work, and not just the work itself. Millennials ask themselves: Is what I’m doing purposeful? How is it making a difference? What am I passionate about? Great stuff!
On the opposite end of the spectrum, however, you’ll hear educators, mentors, employers, and other leaders talk about Millennials’ apparent fear of what others think. Many people in this age group do not raise their hand in class, be the first to answer a question, or speak up when they have a differing opinion about something. There seems to be an irrational fear of being ridiculed, getting an answer wrong, or looking dumb. Or, increasingly, saying something that’s not PC!
Related, we hear many stories about how Millennials crave feedback. But, only if it’s positive! Even gently given constructive feedback is difficult for them to take. Generalizations, for sure, but we hear this constantly.
Also, many are struggling to land (and keep) jobs. Fresh out of college, they’re picky and finicky when it comes to finding work. I’ve heard too many stories of young adults choosing to live in their parents’ basements rather than taking a job that’s beneath them or imperfect in other ways.
What it all comes down to is risk aversion. Many young people today are simply unwilling to take risks with uncertain outcomes. Why so? Are they afraid of failing? Afraid of looking silly in front of their friends? Is there such an expectation of perfection in appearance and performance that didn’t used to exist? Is political correctness and hypersensitivity causing them to hesitate?
Elements of risk aversion and fear of failure can be witnessed in all areas of life. Here are some examples:
We focus too much on what others might think in our quest for belonging. This doesn’t lead to a good quality of life, as living in other people’s heads will make us anxious, hesitant, hypersensitive, and exhausted.
We fear “messing up” our resume. When we’re unemployed, taking a job that may not align with our college major or desired career goals will not look bad on our resume. Having a long gap in employment history WILL. It’s okay to start at the bottom (EVEN WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE) and work your way up. We all did it.
We’re insecure. This applies not only to appearance, but also about strengths, weaknesses, personality traits, and more. Those lacking in self confidence often struggle to accept themselves for who they really are. We must learn to love and appreciate ourselves and our uniqueness before we can truly become successful.
We let pride get in the way by always needing to be right. People with this mindset generally need high odds of success before they will participate in anything. This is what I call “perfectionist syndrome” and it leads to prideful, resentful, hesitant, and generally unsuccessful outcomes. Not surprisingly, these people tend to struggle in team settings.
We may be raised by helicoptering, performance-driven, or abusive parents. These forms of parenting inhibit children from trying new things and thinking for themselves.
As young people embark on life as an adult, the risks may seem extraordinarily high. However, so are the stakes. That’s why they need to learn to overcome their fears, hesitation, and insecurity, and simply go for it.
Next week, we’ll offer some ideas on how to overcome our fears and DO THIS!
Promises of getting rich quick are more rampant than ever these days and especially during rising markets. Any of us with a Facebook account probably see at least a dozen invitations a week to some sort of multi-level marketing company that will get you wealthy in no time (“from the comfort of your own cell phone!”). The implication with any sort of “get rich quick” promise or advertisement is that, with little effort or investment, you can become wealthy overnight.
Not so fast. That’s just not how it works!
In life, patience is a virtue. In building wealth, it’s an absolute necessity! It means starting early so time is on your side, investing as much as you can so you have more money working for you, and adopting a globally diversified, long-term strategy so you avoid the pitfalls of market timing. Most studies show that the average investor loses about 2 percent per year to lousy timing decisions, by buying high and selling low! That’s a wealth destroyer you’ll want to avoid.
Bear in mind that a key component in the investment process is TIME, and that’s why I tell people you can never be too young to start! Inexperienced investors often succumb to “get rich quick” schemes and hot stock tips. They buy at the top, after the big gains have already occurred and just before the stock plunges. However, just because a stock or a mutual fund had a great run last year doesn’t mean it will have a repeat performance again this year. In fact, often last year’s biggest winners become this year’s biggest losers because they became overpriced.
Here are some smart tips for investing wisely and growing your wealth patiently. If you’re entirely new to the concept of investing, the stock market, and growing your wealth, I’ll give you some straight forward facts so you can understand the basics:
Regularly invest in a diversified, long-term strategy rather than chase yesterday’s winners or engage in market timing. Begin by establishing an automatic monthly investment program as soon as you receive your first paycheck (even if you’re still in college if you can!). Many large mutual fund companies offer global balanced funds at relatively low fees and minimums. They can arrange for monthly investments from your bank account so it’s a user friendly process.
Resist taking more risk after strong market gains and taking less risk (panic selling) after major market losses. Remember, it’s “buy low, sell high” not the reverse! Understand that markets peak when the economy is great and they trough when the news is bleak. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of your wealth. Think and act long term.
Avoid overly concentrating your investments in a few stocks or market segments (e.g., technology). The market has a ruthless way of humbling the overconfident investor!
As a rule of thumb, no stock should represent more than 10-15 percent of your assets. That way, if things don’t pan out, you’ll still have the other 85-90 percent working for you. (Tip: Although it may seem tempting to go for what seems popular or successful at the time, that’s not always wisest.)
Remember to diversify across different asset classes (the three main asset classes are stocks, bonds, and cash equivalents, and others include real estate and commodities) to reduce your risk and beat inflation. Too many people put all (or none) of their assets in stocks and live to regret it during market downturns they can’t handle.
After taking the above tips into consideration, remember, above all, that patience is key. Very few “get rich quick” schemes—even if they work—are sustainable for the long term. Save and invest with your END GOALS in mind.
Do you see the value in building your wealth patiently? Have you had some experiences with this (investing or otherwise) you’d like to share?