Celebrate Your Victories and Learn from Your Defeats

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This week I had the distinct privilege of visiting an alternative high school that serves the neediest and most challenged of students. My conversation with the principal—a man who has given his life to reach and impact disadvantaged youth and help turn their lives around—left me inspired and encouraged. His stories of the ups and downs of working with that student population reminded me of the introduction to “ABC’s Wide World of Sports,” when the narrator would dramatically announce, “…the thrill of VICTORY and the agony of DEFEAT.” Seeing a homeless student from a background of gangs and violence graduate from high school—victory! Seeing another go back to the streets—defeat.

No matter where our life path takes us, each of us experiences both victories and defeats. Whether it’s sports, contests, career, dating, or school, you win some and you lose some. Most of us don’t have too much difficulty with the winning part.

But does the fact that we don’t always win mean we’ve lost? Perhaps, narrowly defined, the answer may be “Yes,” but in most cases the answer is emphatically “No.” Many of our “losses” prepare us for our victories later on—that is, if we choose to learn from our defeats.

Vince Lombardi of Green Bay Packer fame used to say that winning “is the only thing.” Famed UCLA basketball coach John Wooden, on the other hand, used to simply ask his players to play their best, and that was good enough for him.

I’m probably more in John Wooden’s camp (despite growing up 20 miles from Green Bay!). Winning may be an important goal, but I don’t believe we’re losers if we don’t finish in first place. The key is to learn from a defeat and use it as input for the next practice and for future strategy.

Turning a defeat into a victory can be positively transformational. One example that comes to my mind is a program I heard of recently in which teen moms reach out to younger girls and share their stories. With unique authenticity and perspective, they can encourage their younger peers to make wise and strategic life choices. It’s already making a big difference.

Humbly celebrate your victories and see how you can gain from your defeats. It will position you to do better the next time, and it certainly will take some of the sting out of your losses!

How have you handled your victories and losses? Do you view a short-term loss as a learning experience to help achieve greater heights in the future? Are you satisfied with the outcome if you did your best?

Don’t Wait to Change the World!

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Not long ago, I spent a day with high school students at a prestigious prep school. It was technically a “day off” on the school calendar, but over 150 courageous students showed up for this special program focused on tackling difficult life issues. The stories in my group ran the gamut, but they mostly involved a lack of parental love, excessive pressure to perform (coming from parents), and the drive to be popular (with peers). It was gut wrenching at times.

          What struck me about this experience was: 1) the willingness and transparency of the students to admit need and be open to the wisdom of the adult mentors, and 2) the humility and commitment of the adults to also be transparent and real, and to invest their time and energy in our younger generation. This was but one small opportunity in a field of millions, and I felt honored to serve.

          All around us there are people and causes that would benefit from our time, our energy, our input, our investment. Are you paying attention to the ones that would benefit from you? In What I Wish I Knew at 18, I encourage my readers to take some time to evaluate what “causes” inspire them and provide some guidelines for discovering what those are. You can also find those guidelines in my recent blog, “Know Your Purpose, Live Your Passion.”

            Which opportunities will you take today to invest in others and help make life a little (or a lot!) better for someone else? Strike while the iron is hot and build a living legacy. Someone out there needs exactly you!

            Don’t wait to change the world!

What are some examples in your life where you experienced pure joy and fulfillment? Or, where you had a significant impact on something or someone? Share your thoughts and experiences by commenting below; we’d love to know how YOU’RE changing the world!

Don’t Define Success by Riches

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What does success mean to you?

Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve talked about purpose and significance. So, let’s say you do discover your “life purpose.” How will you know you’ve achieved it—by how much money you make? By the status symbols you’ve acquired or a particular title you’ve earned?

Really, how will you know when you’ve achieved “success” in your lifetime?

Our culture tends to define success in terms of wealth, possessions, and power. We’re bombarded by “get rich quick” schemes and star glamour. Forget the fact that some of history’s most miserable people have amassed great fortunes; WEALTH is easily the most common barometer of success.

Don’t believe it. Money does not buy happiness.

Consider the following quote first penned in the Lincoln Sentinel on November 30, 1905 by Bessie Stanley:
“He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction.”

Rather than basing your definition of success on monetary wealth, consider a more comprehensive definition, including how you applied your gifts to the betterment of others, the quality of your relationships with others, and the strength of your character. If you focus on these elements, rather than on wealth, power, and possessions, you’ll be much more likely to fulfill your life purpose and feel a genuine sense of satisfaction and success.

Whom do you consider to be the most successful people and why? Looking ahead, how will you define success in your life? Share this blog with the young adults in your life and ask them these questions; they make for great conversations! Then comment below and share your experiences and ideas with our online community; we’d love to hear from you!

Recognize What True Love Is

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It’s unfortunate the English language has only one word for love. We can say we love our friends, family, and spouse—and we can also say we “love” chocolate, our dog, and our favorite TV show!

It’s also unfortunate that the media and other cultural drivers constantly send distorted messages to young people about what love is. Sadly, too many believe those messages and end up making terrible life decisions and bearing deep emotional scars as a result.

I believe it’s our responsibility as parents and educators to do what we can to instill a healthy understanding of what true “love” really looks like. My definition would include:

enduring emotional regard for another
steadfast loyalty
strong affection arising out of kinship or personal ties
admiration, benevolence, or common interests
unselfish loyalty and genuine concern for the good of another
putting another’s interests ahead of your own

Many times people will say they’re in love when, really, they are in “lust.” Some definitions to describe “lust” might include:

passionate or overwhelming physical desire
craving another
intense, impatient, or unbridled sexual desire or appetite
pursuit of fulfilling one’s own satisfaction/needs/wants

For young people, knowing what true love really is can be confusing—and intimidating. Sometimes they think when they feel attraction that it is love. But at this point it might more accurately be called infatuation or, if it’s especially intense, lust. Love involves much more than a physical attraction—although that’s certainly part of it.

Especially for people who may be experiencing attraction, infatuation, and “love” for the first time, it can be hard to tell the difference. Remind them, real love takes time and timing and a healthy relationship will go through a natural progression of growth stages.

Encourage the young adults in your life—whether your own kids, students you teach, or teens you mentor—to stand firm and not be fooled. Regardless of what they see on TV or hear on the radio, love isn’t just a bundle of intense feelings, emotion, and attraction. It’s all of the deeper elements mentioned above. They need to learn to know the difference. Their most important love relationship depends on it!

How have you encouraged the young people in your life to think about their most important love relationship, either now or in the future? Can they see the importance of making sure it’s built on the right foundation? Share your comments on our website; we’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas!

Have Children When You’re Married AND Ready

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Over the past year, I’ve had many unforgettable opportunities to speak with school counselors/faculty and students about work and life. It’s been a joy to hear the dreams of our young people and the life-changing impact of their teachers and mentors.

It’s also been gut wrenching to hear educators relay what’s happening in the home lives of far too many students who are living without the stability and support of married and loving parents. It’s arguably one of the major social justice issues of our lifetime.

Children are the most vulnerable members of our society. They enter this world with no control over their genes or the parents who brought them into being. They live the consequences of their parents’ (and others) decisions and actions every day.

Over the past 20 years, a body of research has developed on how patterns of family structure, in particular, affect children. Most researchers now agree that children do best when raised by their two married, biological parents who have mature, stable relationships. The poverty, dropout, and yes, crime statistics are irrefutable.

So, if this is true, wouldn’t we want our most vulnerable creatures to be born into this world with loving, married parents who intentionally created them into existence? Where they can grow up in a secure environment with the unique perspectives of loving, married parents who are mature enough and financially capable of raising a child? In short, shouldn’t they be given the best chances to succeed in life?

I grew up in a time when this view and message to young people were the cultural norm and most people acted accordingly. However, with many culture drivers sending conflicting messages, the numbers of children being born to unmarried and young parents continues to rise. This trend is wreaking havoc on the academic success, values, and emotional maturity of our younger generation. Ask any experienced school counselor and they’ll tell you that the lack of a mature and stable support structure at home is the most common issue they wrestle with daily when working with students. We owe it to future generations to reverse this course.

I want to challenge us, the adult generation, to consistently communicate this message to young people:

Hold off starting a family until you’re married and ready to have children, not only for the sake of yourselves and your future dreams, but especially for the sake of your future children. You deserve the best chances to fulfill your dreams and be a great parent, and your children deserve the best chances to grow up in an emotionally and financially secure and stable environment. If nothing else, do it for them—after all, it’s their life you are creating!

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What are your thoughts and opinions? Do you agree we can make a better life for upcoming generations if we commit ourselves as a society to the message of being mature, thoughtful, and intentional about when and how we bring children into this world? Young adults: For the sake of yourself and your future children, are you prepared to wait until you’re married and ready to have children?

Notice How Others React to You

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Have you ever noticed that some people who seem to have it all (e.g., good looks, smarts, sense of humor) often “flunk the test” in social and business settings?

At one time or another, each of us loses an audience. Whether from excessive detail, uninteresting subject matter, overlong monologues, or an unappealing style, we sometimes miss the mark. It’s never fun for either party, but the good news is we can limit the damage.

Great communicators carefully analyze nonverbal cues. They study their audience’s facial and body language to see the impression they’re making. Where needed, they make midcourse corrections along the way.

Conversely, we’ve all been around people who have no idea how poorly they’re coming across—especially in social situations. It can take the forms of poor hygiene, irritating habits, boring conversation, or trying too hard to impress. Usually, we don’t have the heart to tell them, hoping they’ll eventually get the hint from our cues.

When you’re with others—socially or professionally—be attentive to how they react to you. Their feedback, often unspoken, is extremely valuable and will allow you to adapt if it’s unflattering. Study their eyes and facial expressions, as well as their body language. If they appear bored, quickly get to the point, raise your enthusiasm meter, or involve them more in the conversation.

Your ability to successfully communicate is a vitally important skill to master. By being sensitive to your audience, you’ll improve your odds immensely.

Have you learned to monitor others’ reactions to you? How do you respond?

Post your comments here on our website or visit us on my Facebook fan page; we’d love to hear from you! And, as always, please share us with your followers,friends, colleagues, or young adults in your life. We’ve all got room to grow!