8 Ways to Communicate You Care

Posted by lifesmartblog

Valentine’s season reminds us of the value of relationships—and not just romantic ones. Not only do sweethearts profess their admiration and affection for each other, but so do parents to their children, children to their teachers, friends to friends, and so on. In a rare creative moment, I once wrote a love letter using strategically placed candy hearts to share my thoughts. Bingo!

At the same time, Valentine’s Day can expose our vulnerability to these conflicting priorities: relationships versus things. While our society has progressed in many respects over the past 50 years, it’s clear that we’ve regressed in terms of relational health and depth. Sadly, with the distractions of technology and busyness, it seems to be getting worse.

Have you thought about what you really value in life? What are you communicating about your priorities to the ones you love—whether intentionally or unintentionally?

Relationships are enduring—things are not. The way we communicate this to our loved ones lies in how we prioritize our time, attention, and money. You can use the following list as either a self-check or a to-do list. Either way, we hope it gives you some inspiration and ideas for communicating your love to others:

1. Be fully in the moment. When you’re with someone, be completely engaged (not on your phone, your Facebook, your Instagram, your Candy Crush game, etc.)

2. Keep family and close friends at the top of your priority list in terms of time, energy, etc. Don’t just give them leftovers. They’ll notice, even if they don’t mention it.

3. Focus on the important, not the urgent. Sometimes maturity and experience are the best teachers on this lesson, but the sooner it’s learned, the better! Our tasks may seem urgent, but our relationships should take priority. This is especially important when our children want or need to talk.

4. Tune in to their uniqueness. Gifts, experiences, and expressions engender different responses from each of us. What uniquely means the most to them? Customize your giving wherever possible and you’ll surely hit the mark.

5. Express appreciation regularly. Be grateful for the people in your life and tell them how much you appreciate them. You don’t always have to communicate with outward displays of affection. Sometimes simple actions, like saying, “I appreciate you,” packing a family member’s favorite lunch (with a note in it), or doing an unasked favor can be just as meaningful.

6. Praise them in front of other people. Say something nice about them when they are in earshot. You will help build their self worth and indirectly communicate how much you value them. (Great parenting pointer!)

7. Set aside time and money for special occasions and gifts. This may be harder for those whose “love” languages are not gift giving or quality time. But for those who really need these things in order to feel loved and appreciated, they mean the world.

8. Forgive offenses quickly and let them go. After all, you’d want your loved ones to do the same for you, right? Related, pick your battles carefully and when arguments do arise, keep your cool.

It pays to examine how we prioritize our time, energy, and finances to build strong relationships with family and friends. Do you the people you love know you care? How so?

When Helping Is Hurting: What NOT to Do for Your Kids

Posted by lifesmartblog

What parents don’t want their children to follow their dreams, land a solid job, have strong relationships and family, and enjoy a great life? We want them to be happy. We want them to be well-regarded by others. We want them to be successful.

But, here’s the rub. In a genuine effort to help our kids be happy and successful, there are some things we parents can do that are extremely counterproductive and actually work against our objectives.

Those who commonly work with young adults (e.g., teachers and administrators from high schools and universities, employers, etc.) report growing issues with this younger generation, four of which are particularly troubling: disrespect for authority, lack of social skills, apathy, and an entitlement mentality. Guess where these particular issues generally originate–in the home! And, they are worsening, according to organizations receiving and trying to work with teens and young adults. The effects of media and culture aren’t helping either!

We can’t point the finger at anyone else on this one. It’s our job as parents to do our part and to help reverse this course, and the younger we can start with our kids, the better. From a parenting perspective, consider this scenario:

Say two-year old Joey is hungry. Mom says, “Joey, do you want a banana or some grapes?” Joey doesn’t want a banana or grapes. Joey wants a mango. Mom tells Joey he needs to eat what is offered to him. He pitches a fit. What does Mom do next? She sends Dad out to the store to buy a mango. Mom and Dad are happy because Joey’s happy. Everybody’s happy, right? Wrong.

If this style of parenting continues throughout Joey’s life, as it does for many, what do you think Joey will grow up thinking? How about:

– he will always have choices

– his happiness and satisfaction should be priorities to the people around him

– he doesn’t have to comply with what he is told to do

– Mom will always advocate for him to get his way and come out on top

– other people are there to serve him, not the other way around

Granted, this scenario is overly simplistic, but here’s the point we want to make: Out of our desire to provide the best for our children (and keep them happy), some of our parenting methods may be contributing to their perception that the world revolves around them. If this is the case, they’re in for a rude awakening when they leave home and find that the world owes them nothing. And this is exactly what is happening—in astronomical proportions.

Do you see how this can translate to their life after they leave our home? To their experience in college or the workplace? To interpersonal skills with professors, coaches, and other superiors? To a marriage? Not very well! Here’s what it can looks like, now and later:

Parents doing their children’s homework, chores, etc.
Parents defending unacceptable behavior of their children in meetings with school officials
Parents complaining to and threatening educators, coaches, and employers when their children aren’t receiving their desired rewards
Parents whose lives and schedules are dominated by their children’s activities and wants
Young adults who call in “sick” at the last minute because they’ve found something better to do
Young adults who don’t take responsibility for their mistakes and shortfalls or show respect to others
Young adults who expect teachers and employers to accommodate them instead of the other way around

Entitlement is what we call this attitude, this sense that other people owe us something—that we are deserving, regardless of whether we have done anything to earn it. It stems from the parenting style just described and some undesirable consequences of the “self esteem movement.” As a result, children feel entitled to get their way, viewing rules as arbitrary and voluntary, their needs as paramount, and other people as existing to serve them. And parents, unwittingly, are generally the ones who are cultivating this mindset.

In order for us to give our young adults wings on which they can really fly, we can’t coddle or cave in to them. If we’ve been doing it up to this point (as revealed in our children’s behavior), we need to turn it around fast, before they get out into the real world.

We can’t set our kids up as the center of our universe and let them think the planets revolve around them. It may seem a short-term solution when they’re pitching a fit as a two-year old, or even as an immature teenager. But in the long run, it will come back to bite us—and them.

Adapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World, by Dennis Trittin and Arlyn Lawrence, available through LifeSmart Publishing and Atlas Books.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow? Learn to Analyze Your Spending

Posted by lifesmartblog

When it comes to “budgeting,” many find it right up there with dieting and root canals in terms of the pleasure factor. However, tracking your spending and disciplining yourself to live within your means and save for the future is definitely worth the effort. If budgeting is not a natural bent for you, don’t give up on the idea altogether. You just need a willing attitude and some good resources to help you stay disciplined and on track with your finances.

How do you stay on top of your financial game?

The basic report you should complete (on at least a quarterly basis) is a cash flow statement. This report tallies your income and expenses in several key categories. It’s the surest way to see whether you’re living within your means and where your spending may be excessive. After subtracting all of your expenses from your income, you’ll see whether your net cash flow for that period is positive or negative. Remember, the goal is positive, positive, positive!

There are many online tools to help analyze your cash flow (e.g., www.quicken.com and www.mint.com). In the past, analyzing cash flow was a lot more work—you had to save your receipts and organize them manually. But nowadays, if you use a debit card and checks for your purchases and bills, and you link your bank account to your online budgeting program, it will automatically categorize your spending and indicate where your money is going. It will even send you an email in the middle of a month to let you know if you’re over budget in a particular category (it knows if you’ve been bad or good)!

Even if it’s just a 75-cent daily newspaper or a $3 latte as you head to work each morning, make sure you account for every single dollar you spend. That’s how you can see exactly where your money is going. You may be surprised when you look at your spending after even just a couple of weeks. The nickels and dimes add up!

Analyzing spending and developing budgets are great skills to develop in the young people in your life. For young adults just starting out, tracking their spending will help determine how much they can afford for rent/housing and a car, significant expenses each month. How much should average living expenses cost? The following are typical expenditure categories and the rough percentages each should represent:

Housing/rent (includes utilities) 30-35%
Household/personal items 20
Autos/transportation 10
Charitable giving 10
Savings and investments 10+ (not an expenditure per se)
Entertainment and leisure 7
Debt/loans 5
Insurance 5
Miscellaneous 3

While the above percentages are ballpark figures (and they do change through life), spending more than five percent above these levels is getting “up there,” with the exception of savings and investments and loans for new college grads. It’s also important to reflect periodic expenses like gifts and vacations in a budget. Holiday spending tends to spike in December, as does vacation spending in the summer. Therefore, it pays to update statements on a monthly or quarterly basis to avoid underestimating expenses. Compare actual spending to these ballpark figures, and you’ll have a good sense of whether you’re overspending in particular categories. And, take special precautions against buying too much house or car—these fixed expenses get many people in trouble.

Wise financial planning requires knowing where your money goes. You’ll make better financial choices, build a stronger credit rating, and develop good savings habits that help build wealth.

Do you track and analyze your spending? How do you do it? Have you trained and modeled this to the young adults in your life and, if so, how? We’d love to hear your insight and experiences!

Be the Only You

Posted by lifesmartblog

“Progress” can often be a two steps forward and one step backward proposition. The technological advances of the last two decades are a good case in point. We are so much more efficient and productive (albeit more distracted!) and, in many ways, connected. The access we have to information boggles my mind compared to what it was a mere 15 years ago.

This progress, however, has come at a cost. For one, our lives are not as private as they used to be. In some cases, it’s the result of information or images that wind up in places we didn’t expect (the most egregious example being “racey” photos). In other cases, identities are stolen and manipulated by shady characters. In this latter case, others can literally pretending to be you. This is real and no laughing matter.

Do you and your family know how to protect yourselves?

Identity theft is when an imposter uses your personal information without your permission. It’s a crime and can cause untold problems for the victim. Generally speaking, it’s caused by lost or stolen credit cards, careless disposal of investment/banking statements, providing personal information (Social Security Number and PINs) where you shouldn’t, and various viral and malware attacks. The perpetrator may open credit cards and accounts in your name, forge your signature, and even obtain a driver’s license in your name.

There is an ever-growing list of ways to avoid identity theft. Some of the key ones are:

Shredding your financial documents after their use
Keeping PINs (for debit cards) and passwords in a safe, private place and changing your passwords regularly
NEVER sharing your banking information, passwords, or PINs with anyone (an especially good reminder for young people, who are often used to “sharing ” everything, to the point of too much!)
Signing credit cards immediately and destroying outdated ones promptly
Not keeping your Social Security Card in your wallet or purse
Not disclosing your Social Security Number unless it is absolutely required
Calling your financial institutions and credit card providers immediately if your wallet or purse is stolen
Never taking phone solicitations that seek your Social Security Number and never emailing your Social Security Number or PINs to anyone.
Only opening email attachments when you are certain as to their safety
Treating your personal information as personal and private!
Being extremely wary of phone solicitations. If offers sound too good to be true or the sales party is aggressive, steer clear! Personally, I just avoid solicitors altogether. Period.
Report suspicious behavior immediately
Use the best anti-virus and anti-malware software for your computers

Finally, there will be situations when you simply don’t know if it’s a safe bet. Here, you should consult with trusted people in the know before releasing any information that is private. Always err on the conservative.

How careful are you with your personal, financial, and computer information? Have you discussed this with the young adults in your life—your children, students, or young adults you mentor? Share your tips and stories with us by commenting below; we’d love to hear from you!

Give Them Wings, Not Strings (Part 2)

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There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.

~Hodding Carter, Jr.

At a recent educator conference, a college professor lamenting the lack of real world readiness among many students confided that teens aren’t the only ones unprepared—often it’s their parents, too. She pulled out her tablet and opened an email from a student who was failing in math and science. In it was this heartbreaking sentence … “I really want to be studying fashion design, but my parents won’t let me major in that.” This student had the gifts, creative temperament, and passion for design, but her parents were footing her college bill and had their own expectations and agenda.

Were they giving her wings? Or strings?

Ultimately, raising young adults and releasing them prepared for the real world is not supposed to be about us (i.e., parents) and our identity, interests, or agenda. It’s about doing what’s best for our kids—giving them wings, not strings. Here’s what strings and wings can look like as we relate to our teens:

Strings:

helicoptering (hovering, orchestrating, interfering, nagging, meddling)
performance-driven (excessive pressuring for achievements and accomplishments, often because of how they reflect on the parent; valuing the performance more than the person, from the child’s point of view)
vicariousness (living life through the child; glorying in his or her successes and agonizing in his/her defeats as if they are the parent’s own)
enabling (not letting him/her fail and face consequences and take responsibility)
overprotection (being overly fearful of outside influences and perceived dangers; not allowing kids to experience enough of the real world to make informed choices; restricting them from meeting different people/navigating difficult situations and making their own decisions)

Wings:

healthy separation (understanding that teens are their own persons separate from their parents and incrementally giving space and respect)
trust and grace (granting incremental freedom as it is earned through responsibility and integrity; making allowances for immaturity and lack of experience, extending forgiveness, and taking steps to re-establish trust when it is broken)
equipping (strategically training them to handle real world responsibilities and situations)
empowering (letting them make their own decisions and experience new/different kinds of people and challenging situations with trust and guidance; appreciating their unique design, gifts, and interests)

Granted, it’s not all about us and what we do or don’t do. However, the way we train our children has a significant influence on their readiness for independent life. By the time children reach the teen years and parents need to start letting go, the indications should suggest we’re raising—and releasing—mature, trustworthy, well-adjusted, and motivated young adults who are ready to tackle the world. If they’re otherwise, parenting methods might be playing a role. It’s never too late or too early for some mid-course corrections where needed.

Can you think of other examples of wing versus strings? If you are an educator, how do you see this impacting the students in your classrooms and how have you dealt with it?

Give Them Wings, Not Strings

Posted by lifesmartblog

At an educators’ conference last summer, a professor from a large Texas university approached me after our workshop on preparing high school students for “real world success.” Her question was, “This is great—but how can we get this message to parents as well?”

We hear that a lot. In fact, in our work with educators, youth mentors, and business and community leaders, there’s an overwhelming and urgent cry. They tell us that too many young people today are entering adulthood underprepared.

How did we get to this state of affairs? There are a number of factors. One is what it commonly referred to as an “entitlement” mentality—the sense that other people owe us something, regardless of whether we have done anything to earn it. Many young adults feel entitled to get their way, viewing rules as arbitrary, their needs as paramount, and other people as existing to serve them.

It’s easy to see how this mentality can affect a young person’s ability to navigate relationships and responsibilities in the “real world.” It harms relationships with teachers, coaches, professors, employers, and other superiors? It demotivates.

Where does this kind of thinking come from? Let’s take a look at some contributing factors that can stem from the home:

Parents catering to a child’s whims and wants (and whose lives are dominated by their children’s activities)
Parents doing their children’s homework, chores, etc. (“They have too much homework.” “They’re busy.” “They’re overworked.”)
Parents defending their children’s unacceptable behavior in meetings with school officials, coaches, etc.
Parents complaining to and threatening educators, coaches, and employers when their children aren’t receiving desired rewards or positions
Parents who don’t demand their children take responsibility for their mistakes and shortfalls or show respect to others
Parents who focus first and foremost on being their child’s friend

Granted, it’s not all about parenting and what we do or don’t do. However, the way we train our children has a greatly influences how prepared they are for independent life. We can give them wings—or we can give them strings.

Strings would be anything that ties our children down and prevents them from achieving their full potential. We tie our kids down when we overly enable or control them. Wings are the things we do to prepare our children to be secure, confident, and independent adults who will live with integrity and impact. We empower our kids when we train them with strong internal guiding principles and give them freedom, opportunity, and accountability to apply them. Picture an eagle—it is free to soar high and far and to navigate the winds and turbulence that life often brings.

If you’re parenting teens, are you giving them wings… or strings? It’s one of the most significant parenting fundamental (so much so that it’s the first chapter in our new book!). Next week we’ll take a look at what wings and strings can look like in real life. It’s something to think about.

Parenting is a Team Sport

Posted by lifesmartblog

Last Valentine’s Day, the parents of our teenage daughter’s best friend took the girls and a third friend out to a fancy restaurant. The dad gave the girls pretty rings and a pep talk about their priceless worth and the importance of loving and respecting themselves. He had contacted my husband Doug and me earlier to ask our permission and we happily consented. After all, he was reinforcing something we felt strongly about and we were glad for Hillary to hear it from more than just us.

Doug and I (Arlyn) joke all the time that parenting is a “team sport”—and our team extends beyond ourselves as Mom and Dad. Some experts believe the magic number is five—that every teen needs at least five adult voices in his or her life that will reinforce positive values and a healthy self-image. For our kids, these voices have included:

their grandparents and other extended family members
family friends
youth group leaders/mentors
teachers and coaches
parents of some of their friends

It’s been rewarding to see the different perspectives and qualities these other “voices” have contributed, especially at times when Mom and Dad were a little less popular! They offered wisdom in diverse areas like:

work ethic
integrity
perseverance and self-discipline
relationships
financial management
spiritual life (faith, encouragement, prayer)
practical skills like construction, painting, cooking, and car repair
the value of family
aspirations for college and a successful career
modeling a lifelong marriage

Do you have the benefit of other influences in your teen’s life that will tell him the same things you would? The unique value of other adults in our teens’ lives is not just the wisdom they offer, but the fact that they are listened to. So, if our voices are temporarily devalued and our influence seems to be waning, we can recruit others to “shore us up.” Plus, sometimes other adults offer unique perspectives and insights that we as parents simply lack.

For example, when one of our kids was going through a rough patch in high school, his track coach stepped in and brought some much needed perspective, encouragement, and accountability. This coach was also our son’s AP Psychology teacher. Because of that expertise, he was able to offer him unique insights that spoke directly and objectively to his logical nature, helping him better understand himself and his reactions. It ended up being a win on a number of levels.

Guaranteed: your children will stumble here and there as they make great strides. Sometimes, they will want you there to pick them up, dust them off and set them straight again. Other times, they’ll prefer you keep your distance and let them handle it. In these instances, having those important third part voices in place will be great backup support.

If your teen is having a tough time, who in your life could become an asset for the situation? It always pays to know, and to keep them in your “hip pocket” just in case!

What do you think about the idea that “parenting is a team sport?” Who are other adults that you would consider to be on your “team?” If you need to shore this up, who are some likely candidates?

Posted by Arlyn. Adapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World (Dennis Trittin & Arlyn Lawrence, LifeSmart Publishing).

Are YOU Ready for the Launch?

Posted by lifesmartblog

The year 2008 will forever go down as one of the most significant in my life. I’ll never forget opening the email from Pepperdine University and seeing the first words on the page, “Congratulations!” Our son Michael had made it into his dream school after all—and Jeanne and I called him right in the middle of his high school English class to tell him so! (I’m pretty sure his elated response to, “Son, it looks like you’re heading to Malibu!” made the classroom walls shake!)

The summer passed quickly without us seeing much of Michael—no surprises there—and soon we were on our way to Southern California for the send-off. I held up well…that is, until the parents were asked to depart and the college gymnasium became a sea of embraces and good byes. When it was my turn, all I could get out was, “Thanks.” And then Michael was off.

I thought, That’s it? So quickly? I’ll never forget walking to the car in silence—Jeanne, daughter Lauren, and me—each of us processing what had just happened. Our once child and now young man was ready for the launch. And, though admittedly I shed a few tears, I couldn’t have been happier for him. Sure, we’d miss him dearly, but we’d prepared him and ourselves for this moment—and now Michael was on his way to living his dream.

“Launch time” is that moment we parents practically and emotionally hand over the reins and transition to a new stage. It hits us all differently, because we—and our children—are unique. How well we handle this stage will have a major bearing on the quality of our parent-child relationship for years to come.

When teens reach the launching stage (roughly the year before and few years after leaving home—usually 17-20), they embark on a new life-phase that is vitally important to their future. Because they’re one part child and one part adult and maturity levels vary, some transition better than others. How well their parents handle it plays a crucial role, too.

We parents lived through this stage ourselves in our own time and situations. That puts us in a special position to share and encourage with empathy, understanding, and excitement for their future. To ready our young adult children for “the launch,” we need to provide them with:

Our unconditional love and understanding
Our belief and encouragement
Preparation and practical wisdom
Our perspective of their uniqueness and value
Full acceptance that it’s their life and dreams, not ours
A healthy and enduring relationship based on trust
An open door 24-7
Realistic expectations

Our ability to successfully launch our teens to thrive in adulthood doesn’t just “happen” at the moment of send-off. It is the result of all of the hard work and preparation that has come before. Their self-confidence as independent adults will frame how well they transition to this next phase of life.

The fact is, we can’t control our children’s outcomes, but we can prepare them to make wise decisions for their long-term futures. Then we can release them to find their way, while always being there for sharing, caring, and advice as they seek it.

We let go, knowing we’ve given it our best.

It’s as simple and as difficult as that!

Posted by Dennis, adapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World (Dennis Trittin & Arlyn Lawrence, LifeSmart Publishing)