Year: 2012

Don’t Wait to Change the World!

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Not long ago, I spent a day with high school students at a prestigious prep school. It was technically a “day off” on the school calendar, but over 150 courageous students showed up for this special program focused on tackling difficult life issues. The stories in my group ran the gamut, but they mostly involved a lack of parental love, excessive pressure to perform (coming from parents), and the drive to be popular (with peers). It was gut wrenching at times. 
 
          What struck me about this experience was: 1) the willingness and transparency of the students to admit need and be open to the wisdom of the adult mentors, and 2) the humility and commitment of the adults to also be transparent and real, and to invest their time and energy in our younger generation. This was but one small opportunity in a field of millions, and I felt honored to serve.
 
          All around us there are people and causes that would benefit from our time, our energy, our input, our investment. Are you paying attention to the ones that would benefit from you? In What I Wish I Knew at 18, I encourage my readers to take some time to evaluate what  “causes” inspire them and provide some guidelines for discovering what those are. You can also find those guidelines in my recent blog, “Know Your Purpose, Live Your Passion.” 
 
            Which opportunities will you take today to invest in others and help make life a little (or a lot!) better for someone else? Strike while the iron is hot and build a living legacy. Someone out there needs exactly you!



            Don’t wait to change the world!     
 

What are some examples in your life where you experienced pure joy and fulfillment? Or, where you had a significant impact on something or someone? Share your thoughts and experiences by commenting below; we’d love to know how YOU’RE changing the world!
 

Bullying Part 3: Empowering Students to BE the Solution

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The last two weeks we’ve talked about ways to deal with (and hopefully eradicate) bullying. First, we talked about IDENTIFYING the root problem. Next, we talked about ADDRESSING the heart issue.

This week, we’re talking about EMPOWERING students to be the solution.
 
One of our readers—an Idaho teacher using our What I Wish I Knew at 18 curriculum—responded to our bullying blogs with the following: “When students buy into the (idea) that everyone is unique and special, they won’t allow others to intimidate their peers. You will hear in (our) halls, ‘We don’t do this at our school.’ … Our school isn’t perfect but the students take an active role in the process.”

 
Way to go! That’s exactly our next point: Mainstreaming integrity, compassion, and respect (i.e., making them a vital component of school culture) is a key way to counteract bullying!
 
Bullies prefer physical isolation to perpetrate their unkind acts to avoid getting caught by authorities or loyal classmates. That’s why the best solutions bring bullying “into the light.” Schools that make addressing the bullying issue PART OF THEIR SCHOOL CULTURE experience a quicker turn-around than those who simply address the issue on a one-off basis, behind closed doors.
 
When it comes to bullying, positive peer pressure is the best solution of all! That’s because a strong school culture fosters a healthy learning environment for all in a preventive, rather than reactive, manner.
                                                                                                               
In What I Wish I Knew at 18, I share about the character qualities and social values that empower young people to treat others with dignity, avoid destructive relationships, and be catalysts for change in their schools and communities. Some of these tips include:

These are important values we ALL need to cultivate in our lives, no matter how old we are! And, when we train young people to model them, we offer useful, lifelong tools to create a positive culture in the world around them.
 
We invite you to explore how our What I Wish I Knew at 18 resources can help your school, organization, and family instill a positive and inspired community culture.
 
How do you empower the young people in your life to treat others with dignity and steer clear of destructive relationships? (insert link) We hope you’ll pass this link (and the rest of our bullying series) on to a friend or colleague. And then, share a comment below; we’d be glad to hear your reports and suggestions!
 

Bullying Part 2: Addressing the Heart Issue

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In last week’s post, we started a conversation about identifying the real issue behind bullying. This month is National Bullying Prevention Month, and we think the problem is worth not only a good conversation, but also a genuine cooperative effort between schools, communities, parents, and students.
 
One thing’s for sure. Bullying isn’t primarily a behavior issue. It’s a HEART issue.
 
Unfortunately, when we address bullying as simply a behavior issue, we may get conformity—but without genuine personal transformation.
 

 

Frankly, we don’t think that’s good enough.
 

Poster contests and slaps on the hand are NOT going to change the heart issues that lie at the base of bullying behaviors.  What are? Early training and ingraining of healthy relationships and character (i.e., developing healthy attitudes, behaviors, and decisions). If that doesn’t happen in the home, we can all help in other arenas like school, church, community clubs, sports teams, and neighborhoods.
 
Here’s how you can invest in kids to encourage and empower them to develop healthy heart attitudes toward others:
 

  • Help children understand both active and passive bullying, to instill awareness and empathy (e.g., beating someone up, taunting them, or posting online ridicule is active bullying; deliberate exclusion is passive bullying)
  • Invite students to become a part of the solution by defining and modeling a positive culture of integrity and kindness, and holding each other accountable
  • Mentor the bullies on the heart issue, not just the behavior (here, counselors can get to the root cause of the insecurity or desire for control that’s driving their actions)
  • Schools should strive to develop a strong Personal Leadership Foundation in their students to combat bullying before it happens and foster healthy learning environments for all. Doing so will require an active school commitment to character and leadership training.
  • Help students understand that deliberate acts of unkindness are the manifestation of our own insecurities. Calling it out this way may make bullies think twice and lead to the needed conviction and change. 
  • Teach that the most successful and admired people go out of their way to build up others, not tear them down. (Imagine if students said only neutral or positive things about one another!)

 
One complicating factor is that “bullies” don’t always fit into a neat profile—and bullying can strike in seemingly unlikely places. The following video, first aired on The Today Show, is a good example. In this case, it’s an ultimately transformational story of how a couple of high school bullies had a change of heart and went on to become anti-bullying advocates. I wish every bullying story turned out this way:
 
http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/49461049/#49461049
 
This could be my town or your town, our schools, our kids. If it happens—do you have a plan?
 
What is your school, family, organization, or community doing to address the heart issues behind bullying behavior? Please “share” this post with friends, and comment here on our website. If you haven’t already, be sure to sign up for our e-newsletter. We’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions!
 

Bullying Part 1: What’s the Real Problem?

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As we interact with educators, parents, and students, the pernicious issue of bullying keeps rearing its ugly head. So, we were pleased to learn that October has been named National Bullying Prevention Month.
 
Bullying is a huge social problem that’s become increasingly pervasive in our schools and communities, begging the question we often hear:
 

Is it possible to stop bullying? And if so, how?
 
We have some thoughts we’d like to share.

 

 

 
Step One: IDENTIFY the Real Problem (and the Real Bullies)
 
The reality is that most bullies wouldn’t call themselves bullies. That’s what happens when we put labels on behavior: it often makes it easier to pass the buck.  “Who me, a bully?  No way!”
 
Many (if not most) “bullies” find it difficult to identify themselves as such for a couple of reasons.  For one, many children and young adults regularly experience intimidation, manipulation, exclusion, threats, emotional abuse, and even violence in their homes. Not surprisingly, they act out their own insecurities or desires for control the same way. And, they often get away with it.
 
Secondly, “bullying” has traditionally been thought of as tripping another kid in the hall or roughing him up against the lockers. Or, it’s been teasing someone in hushed whispers in the lunchroom or threatening to beat up another student unless she hands over her lunch money.  Today’s bullying, however, tends to be much more personal and committed over cyberspace.  Social media is lately the preferred venue for public humiliation, taunting, and threats.
 
Bullying is not just a behavior issue; it’s a heart issue, often borne out of personal insecurity. We can’t just change the way bullies act. We have to help them change the way they think: about the world, about other people, and about themselves. When schools, teachers, counselors, parents, and mentors step in to do just that, it can be the beginning of real personal transformation in the lives of the affected parties, both abusers and victims.
 
It’s the first step in shifting from reaction to prevention. And, that’s what it’s all about!
 
We’ll talk more about ways to do that in Part 2 of our bullying solutions series. Join us next week for  “Bullying: Addressing the Heart Issue.”  In the meantime, hit “share” and pass this post along to a friend or co-worker. Invite them into the conversation by encouraging them to subscribe to our e-newsletter. Let us hear your thoughts about and experiences with bullying by commenting below.  We all have lots to learn!

Don’t Define Success by Riches

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What does success mean to you?
 
Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve talked about purpose and significance. So, let’s say you do discover your “life purpose.” How will you know you’ve achieved it—by how much money you make? By the status symbols you’ve acquired or a particular title you’ve earned?
 
Really, how will you know when you’ve achieved “success” in your lifetime?
 
Our culture tends to define success in terms of wealth, possessions, and power. We’re bombarded by “get rich quick” schemes and star glamour. Forget the fact that some of history’s most miserable people have amassed great fortunes; WEALTH is easily the most common barometer of success.
 

Don’t believe it. Money does not buy happiness.

 
Consider the following quote first penned in the Lincoln Sentinel on November 30, 1905 by Bessie Stanley:
“He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction.”
 
Rather than basing your definition of success on monetary wealth, consider a more comprehensive definition, including how you applied your gifts to the betterment of others, the quality of your relationships with others, and the strength of your character. If you focus on these elements, rather than on wealth, power, and possessions, you’ll be much more likely to fulfill your life purpose and feel a genuine sense of satisfaction and success.
 
Whom do you consider to be the most successful people and why? Looking ahead, how will you define success in your life? Share this blog with the young adults in your life and ask them these questions; they make for great conversations! Then comment below and share your experiences and ideas with our online community; we’d love to hear from you!

We All Need to Know We Matter

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Last week we talked about how a defining purpose inspires a life of passion. Unfortunately, for some, that’s easier said than done.
 
Take teenagers who receive no expressions of love or healthy modeling from home: it doesn’t take long for that deficit to show up in academics, motivation, and demeanor. In acts of desperation, they join gangs or get pregnant or drop out of school. It’s a tragic cycle that has become all too common, with one unhappy ending after another.
 
During the past year, I’ve had many opportunities to speak with teens and young adults who are, in one form or another, facing a crisis of relevance. They see school as irrelevant, and worse yet, themselves as irrelevant. Some of their questions:
 

  • “What am I worth when my parents never tell me they love me?”
  • “What’s the point of staying in school? I’ll never use this stuff anyway.”
  • “What can I do to convince my father to let me live my dream?”
  • “I’m not that smart in academics. Can I still become a great leader?”

 
These conversations can be heart wrenching. But, interestingly, these are the kids who are most engaged in my talks on leadership! They ask the most questions and ask to share in private. They’re searching—for hope, relevance, and worth—even though it may not appear that way on the surface.
 
We’ve got to give it to them. All of them! Until young people see the relevance and value of their lives, there’s simply no way they’ll reach their full potential.
 
Here are some ways adults can help:

  • Recognize that no one (especially a young person) has a complete and accurate perspective on all he or she has to offer—whether character qualities or skills. They need the perspectives of others who can offer a more complete picture of their worth.
  • Parents can ensure each of their children understands his or her unique value, and avoid showing favoritism toward siblings through words or attention.
  • Educators can offer opportunities for skills/aptitude assessments and programs where friends, relatives, and mentors honor each student with expressions of value. For example, some innovative schools hold special retreats where students receive letters collected from important people in their lives—life changing keepsake experiences.
  • Look for opportunities to “speak life” into young people and encourage them to do the same.

 
Remember, relevance breeds hope and hope breeds motivation and direction. It’s a vital gift to give the young people in your life. Give generously.
 
Are you aware of the need for the young people around you to feel a sense of significance–and how much it means to to their ability to succeed in life? In what ways do you “speak life” into them, to make a difference that can last a lifetime? “Share” this blog with a friend, and let us know your thoughts and suggestions by commenting below!
 
 

Know Your Purpose, Live Your Passion

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“Great minds have purposes; others have wishes.”

Washington Irving

 

Your life purpose is an incredibly powerful force that will direct your life and determine your legacy. Find a successful person who is content and fulfilled, and you’ll likely find a life guided by an inspired purpose or mission, and a person who has applied his or her God-given talents to a worthy cause.

 

In fact, without a strong sense of life purpose, even the most successful accomplishments can seem empty.

 
Knowing your life purpose–what makes you tick, what motivates you, what you are alive on earth to do–is what ignites passion. Passion inspires initiative and creativity. It builds momentum and creates enthusiasm. It also sustains hope and perseverance in difficult times, and provides a reason (and enthusiasm!) for getting out of bed every morning.
 
Life purposes can be cause-driven (e.g., curing a disease, educating disadvantaged youth, sheltering the homeless, cleaning the planet, protecting our country) or skill-driven (e.g., athletes, artists, mathematicians, designers). They also can evolve throughout your lifetime.
 
How can you discover your life purpose? Here are some questions to consider:

  • What causes (e.g., global or community needs, people, situations, organizations) am I most passionate about? What problems would I most like to solve? What needs or people tug at my heart?
  • What inspires me the most?
  • What brings me the greatest joy and fulfillment?
  • Whose lives would I most like to emulate and why?
  • What are my special gifts and talents?
  • Where can my skills have the greatest potential impact?

 
Once you ponder these questions, see if a picture emerges. Then, as that picture solidifies into an identifiable sense of purpose, calling, and passion, start thinking about how you can live it out.
 
Whatever you do, don’t set your life purpose on a shelf and forget about it. You are a unique individual with gifts, talents, and perspective only YOU can give to the world.  No amount of money, fame, or accomplishment can ever compete with that.
 
Someday, you’ll want to be able to look back on your life and say, “Mission accomplished!” What’s your mission? Are you living it out with purpose and passion?
 
 If you’re a parent or teacher, find out what the young adults in your life think about their life purpose. Share your comments below; we’d love to hear from you!
 

Don’t Allow Work to Consume Your Life

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Last week we talked about work ethic, and the need to educate our young people to work hard, take personal responsibility, and say “no” to the entitlement mentality. All important!

 

On the other hand, there is an equally insidious trap we want to help them avoid: workaholism.
 
My own father worked very hard at his job of coloring the bright construction paper at a Wisconsin paper mill. But when his work was done, it was done. He was able to devote his free time to family and interests by not taking his work home with him.
 
Today’s workplace is completely different. We’re now a service economy in the information age. Consequently, our work life today is much more knowledge-based and open-ended. While this makes for a more exciting work environment, it does have its downside. We tend to take our work home with us, and, if we’re not careful, it can easily consume our free time.
 

And now with our cell phones becoming virtual appendages, we’re always “on call” –a new source of overwork and distraction.

 

Don’t get me wrong. Your career will be a key component of your life. However, more than any other aspect of your life, it has the greatest risk of taking over if you’re not careful. And, if you’re a student, remember there’s more to life than your books. Your studies, too, can be all consuming if you let them.
 
If you allow your work or studies to dominate, and can’t let them go during your free time, you’ll suffer burnout and starve your relationships. (Recall from a previous blog that the most common life regret of elderly people is not spending enough time with loved ones.)
 
Always remember to stay balanced and invested in other areas of your life to keep things healthy and happy. People need you and you need them!
 
Are you able to leave your work behind and “switch off” at the end of the work day? Consider passing this along to a friend or young adult for them to consider, “tweet” it, or share it to Facebook. And please share YOUR thoughts with US by commenting below; we’d love to hear from you.

Let’s Nuke the Entitlement Mentality

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As I was enjoying a much needed three-day weekend, my mind drifted to three recent conversations relevant to Labor Day. I was reflecting on how the world is becoming smaller and increasingly competitive. And, on how we have to raise the bar just to stay even.
 
Are we?
 
When I considered who are best positioned to answer this question, two groups immediately came to mind: employers of young people and school counselors. After all, they’re the respective “consumers” of the nation’s schools and the “focal points” in guiding our students.
 
And, to a person, they’re concerned and discouraged.
 
The manager of a coffee shop who teaches “tech ed” at high school vented about the lacking social skills and work ethic of his employees and students and their “entitlement mentality.” He faces an uphill battle because parents are routinely feeding these attitudes, both at work and school—last minute absentee calls and flak over any grade short of an “A.” Even nasty calls to employers and professors when their children don’t get the promotion or grades they “deserved!”
 
A veteran school counselor shared how the first week has already had its share of student disrespect and parental entitlement issues. Regrettably, this is consistent with a survey of school counselors I conducted a few months ago. Student apathy, “entitlement mentality,” and lack of parental support were among the top five issues they cited…all as the world grows more competitive.
 
Juxtapose this with a conversation I had with a determined Indonesian high school student after my talk “Developing the Great Leaders of Tomorrow” during my book launch tour.
 
“Mr. Dennis,” he said, “I’m not as smart at academics as I’d like to be. But, can I still become a great leader?” He gets it. It’s not just about book smarts. It’s about life smarts—without entitlements.
 
All of us—parents, schools, politicians, and media/culture drivers have a stake in reversing this trend. That means honoring and modeling hard work and ethics and preparing young people for a life that isn’t always fair. It means teaching that failure is part of life and self-esteem is something best earned. It means that as parents, our value isn’t defined by a perfect performance from our children, but whether they are people of excellence who strive to do their best.
 
So, now that Labor Day is over, it’s time to get to work…on this!
 
What are your observations about work ethic in young adults these days … good and bad? What are your suggestions for helping to diminish an entitlement mentality and develop an appreciation for and commitment to personal reponsibility and industriousness? We’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions!
 

Control What You Can, Accept What You Can’t

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Let’s face it. Most of us like to be in control. Control gives us freedom, power, and confidence that we can steer our course.
 
As kids head off to college, they’re about to be in the driver’s seat for the rest of their life. Ah, the sweet feeling of “control.” They can’t wait! But is it really that easy?  The answer, of course, is “No.”      
 
Soon college students and those heading out into the work force will be free from their parents’ oversight, but much will remain outside of their control.  Are they prepared for it? Consider these potential real world examples:
 

  • Their roommate is a disaster
  • They just bombed their calculus final—so much for majoring in math!
  • Just when they’re about to graduate and search for employment, the economy tanks
  • They don’t land the job they desperately wanted
  • They don’t care for their new supervisor
  • It rains on their wedding day
  • A boyfriend or girlfriend announces he or she wants to date other people
  • Someone they love is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness

 
Control? Yeah, right! Although young adults are increasingly becoming more independent, they’ll quickly learn that not even they have control over their lives. Unexpected road bumps and potholes are the norm. When they occur, we all have to deal with each unique situation the best we can. Incidentally, most of the above happened to me!
 
Basically, we all have two choices. A common approach is to stew about the circumstances and be consumed with self-pity. The other approach is to accept the things you can’t control and make the best out of the situation. You may not like the circumstances, but you work the problem and focus on what you can control. For those who believe in God, it’s also a time of prayer, trust, and faith that things will work out okay. PERSEVERE!
 
It’s important for young people—for all of us, really—to understand that we have a choice in how to deal with matters beyond our control. For your own sake and for those around you, adopt the second approach. It’s not always easy but it’s far better than the alternative!
 
How do you handle things when life doesn’t go your way? Do you dwell on the things you can’t control, or can you let them go? How have you taught healthy strategies to the young people in your life … please share your ideas and comments below!