personal responsibility

Take Responsibility; Don’t Dodge It

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“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible
for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”

~Theodore Roosevelt

 Ah, the blame game. We’ve all played it. Most of the time, it simply doesn’t feel good to accept responsibility when we’ve fallen short, so we cast the blame on others (e.g., “If my teacher wasn’t so rude, I wouldn’t have failed the class.” “I know I got a speeding ticket, but my friend made me late!” “My teammates cost us the win.”).

However, we’re all human, so we make mistakes.  Every single one of us. Sometimes those mistakes are completely innocent and happen by accident, and sometimes they stem from a bad decision, a character flaw, or selfish motives. But no matter what, mistakes and shortfalls are part of life. While no one keeps track, they number well into the thousands in a lifetime. That being the case, one has to wonder why it’s so difficult for us to admit our mistakes and accept responsibility.

Is it because the words “I’m sorry” don’t come easily? In such cases, it’s sometimes easier (and feels less shameful) to blame others and make excuses. Our pride gets in the way.

Or, maybe we fear how others will react. For people who have been victims of abuse, this is a natural response.

Is there a better way to handle our mistakes?

People who are prone to blame others first are actually reflecting their own insecurities. Implicitly, they assume their relationships can’t withstand an acknowledgement of a mistake or shortfall. However, it’s a false assumption, especially since most people appreciate it when someone admits a mistake and asks for forgiveness.

When you make a mistake or your best efforts fall short of the goal, you can do one of two things:

  1. You can TAKE responsibility, apologize if appropriate, do what you can to make things right, and commit to doing better the next time around.
  2. You can DODGE responsibility, blame someone else (or the circumstances), and walk away from the situation – leaving others (and yourself!) with the problem you created.

Choice #1 will gain you the respect of your family, peers, and colleagues and help you learn from your mistake. It’s an act of integrity. Choice #2, on the other hand, will damage your reputation and deprive you of a valuable opportunity for personal growth.

Refusing to own up to our shortfalls creates a blind spot in our lives—one that might cause us to miss out on great opportunities to learn and grow! That professor who was “biased” against you? She could have turned out to be a great tutor. The coach you were convinced benched you every game because “he didn’t like you?” He could have been a great trainer and helped you up your game. That “jealous” classmate? She could have helped you become a better friend.

The long and short of it is this: Accepting responsibility is a hallmark of a true leader and a sign of maturity. The next time you’re tempted to blame first, swallow your pride and admit that you fell short. You’ll be respected and admired by others when you do… and you might be surprised by the grace they extend to you in return!

Do you find it difficult to admit your mistakes and accept that you aren’t perfect? Why? How do you develop the value of taking responsibility for mistakes in your teens or students?

How to Start Treating Your Teen Like a (Real) Grown-Up

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Parents: how many times have you heard your teen say, “You treat me like a kid!” How many times have you responded, “Well, it’s because you act like one!”?

Teens are constantly and increasingly tugging at the reins, wanting more and more slack. When teens ask to be treated like adults, what they’re really wanting are the privileges of adulthood. A car. Money in their pockets. Decision-making authority. Autonomy. Unfortunately, because of the nature of childhood (immaturity) and the tendency of some parents to rescue, pamper, and enable— that day never comes (or doesn’t come soon enough).

Have you ever wondered, when I am SUPPOSED to start giving them more leash?

The reality is most teens are ready for more responsibility than we give them and need opportunities to exercise it. Adults have extra rights and privileges that kids look forward to enjoying and usually want now. But remember that for adults, those privileges are usually attached to responsibility. For example:

  1. I have a car (privilege). I must earn money to fill the tank and pay the insurance and maintenance (responsibility).
  2. I can stay up (or out) as late as I want to, every night (privilege). However, I have children who need to be off to school early in the mornings, and a busy daily schedule that requires me to have enough sleep to be in top form (responsibility).
  3. I can make any decision I want to (privilege). However, I have a spouse and children (and neighbors, employers, coworkers, friends) whose lives and happiness are influenced by my decisions. Sometimes, what I want to do is outweighed by what honors and benefits others (responsibility).

What children need to understand is that privileges, in the real world, are attached to responsibilities. If we give them the privileges, but don’t require responsibility, we set them up for an entitlement mentality—and for struggles in the real world. Folks, this is a pervasive issue.

So, the next time your teen tells you he or she wants to be treated like an adult, do it! Treat him or her like a real adult—not just with privileges, though. Make sure there are responsibilities to go with them and explain the connection. You don’t need to give up full control all at once. But, you can start by requiring them to do things like:

  • Contribute to their own income by getting a job (or babysitting, etc.)
  • Buy their own car (or make a significant contribution to it) and pay for all or most of their gas
  • Make their own appointments (dentist, doctor, hair, etc.). Encourage them, as much as is appropriate and realistic, to go to the appointment themselves, fill out the paperwork, etc.
  • Do their own laundry and make their lunch
  • Clean up the house before and after they entertain friends.

If you are a parent who draws a great deal of identity and personal fulfillment from doing things for your children, it can be difficult to change your habits. You may feel like you’re being mean. But, if you want to set them up well for the launch and equip them to be happy, healthy, functioning, and successful adults, it must happen. It will pay huge dividends in the long run to start moving now to the passenger seat and becoming more of a cheerleader/coach as your teen learns to operate in the driver’s seat of his or her life.

 

The Value of Values: Part 2

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What qualities do you admire most in others? What qualities do you strive to model yourself? Did you know your qualities (in other words, the things about your character that stand out most to others) all come from your values? Values are the sentiments we hold close to our hearts, and usually, they are what cause us to be good, virtuous people.

These fundamental values make up the foundation of our society and allow us to function in harmony and solidarity, despite our differences. These are the values that you’re thankful for when you get a phone call that your lost wallet has been found (with all the cash still inside), or when a stranger helps you change your flat tire on the side of the road.

With moral relativism becoming more prevalent (sadly, even encouraged!), many people (the young especially) are missing out on the development of some crucial values. In our increasingly PC society, many are succumbing to a misplaced view that there are no moral absolutes. (With a deemphasis on character-based education, it’s not surprising.) Because of this, these students aren’t operating with qualities that will allow them to be as successful in life. How, you may ask? When the value of honesty isn’t instilled from a young age, relationships, job performance, and even academic life will suffer later on. When people don’t value respect for others, they will lose control, lash out, and potentially ruin their own reputation. See what I mean?

In this second part of our series on values, I’d like to discuss three more that are crucial to model and develop in our young people.

  1. Empathy. When you empathize with people, you enter into their world and their feelings to provide support and encouragement. Along with compassion, it is one of the most powerful human qualities of generosity. Empathy is an incredibly important value, as it makes us nurturing parents, loving spouses, supportive friends, and service-minded community members. Empathy allows you to help the people around you feel loved, supported, and understood.
  2. Responsibility. I like to think of responsibility as taking ownership of our attitudes, actions, and performance. It’s really an amalgam of accountability, trustworthiness, reliability, capability, and high personal standards. It’s being someone others can count on, no matter what. Responsible adults admit when they’ve made a mistake, prioritize their time wisely, tell the truth, show up on time, and have the courage to say no to risky situations. And, they don’t blame others or make excuses for their shortfalls. We could use more of this, don’t you think?
  3. Resilience. How many of us have been knocked down in life, only to lose all hope and wonder if the situation could get any worse? That, my friends, is the opposite of resilience. Resilient people handle adversity with grace and confidence. Did you notice how this admirable quality was on full display at the Olympics? They get back up, try again, and understand that oftentimes, adversity can create room for further personal growth. You know the old saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” It’s true!

No matter where you lie when it comes to your religious and political leanings, I think we can all agree that the above values are, well, valuable! They have the power to create stronger families, safer communities, and happier neighborhoods! Oh, and a happier you!

What values would you add to this list? Can you think of a situation in which you’ve benefitted from someone else’s strong values? How is your school incorporating values training in the classroom?

Let’s Nuke the Entitlement Mentality

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As I was enjoying a much needed three-day weekend, my mind drifted to three recent conversations relevant to Labor Day. I was reflecting on how the world is becoming smaller and increasingly competitive. And, on how we have to raise the bar just to stay even.
 
Are we?
 
When I considered who are best positioned to answer this question, two groups immediately came to mind: employers of young people and school counselors. After all, they’re the respective “consumers” of the nation’s schools and the “focal points” in guiding our students.
 
And, to a person, they’re concerned and discouraged.
 
The manager of a coffee shop who teaches “tech ed” at high school vented about the lacking social skills and work ethic of his employees and students and their “entitlement mentality.” He faces an uphill battle because parents are routinely feeding these attitudes, both at work and school—last minute absentee calls and flak over any grade short of an “A.” Even nasty calls to employers and professors when their children don’t get the promotion or grades they “deserved!”
 
A veteran school counselor shared how the first week has already had its share of student disrespect and parental entitlement issues. Regrettably, this is consistent with a survey of school counselors I conducted a few months ago. Student apathy, “entitlement mentality,” and lack of parental support were among the top five issues they cited…all as the world grows more competitive.
 
Juxtapose this with a conversation I had with a determined Indonesian high school student after my talk “Developing the Great Leaders of Tomorrow” during my book launch tour.
 
“Mr. Dennis,” he said, “I’m not as smart at academics as I’d like to be. But, can I still become a great leader?” He gets it. It’s not just about book smarts. It’s about life smarts—without entitlements.
 
All of us—parents, schools, politicians, and media/culture drivers have a stake in reversing this trend. That means honoring and modeling hard work and ethics and preparing young people for a life that isn’t always fair. It means teaching that failure is part of life and self-esteem is something best earned. It means that as parents, our value isn’t defined by a perfect performance from our children, but whether they are people of excellence who strive to do their best.
 
So, now that Labor Day is over, it’s time to get to work…on this!
 
What are your observations about work ethic in young adults these days … good and bad? What are your suggestions for helping to diminish an entitlement mentality and develop an appreciation for and commitment to personal reponsibility and industriousness? We’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions!