life perspective

Adversity: Preparation for Greater Things

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When something crummy happens in your life, do you ever just sit back and ask “why me?” or think to yourself “I don’t deserve this!” When the going gets rough, it’s hard to see past our own circumstances into the “master plan” that may lie ahead of us.

None other than Walt Disney, the master of happy, once said, “You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” Funny thing—when I look back on my greatest adversity, I’m struck by how often I actually benefited from it! It just didn’t feel that way at the time. It took retrospect for me to realize that the hardship was really for the greater good.

One of life’s greatest adventures is seeing what becomes of our trials. Was it a necessary lesson to grow us? Might it be the catalyst for something new and better? Will it ever make sense? Or, was it just…stuff?

Take these examples:

  • My wife’s health challenges allow her to encourage others facing similar battles.
  • Bombing my calculus final exposed my math limitations and motivated me to select a better fitting major.
  • A difficult investment performance period taught me important lessons about humility.
  • All those times girlfriends broke up with me…Hey! They freed me up to marry Jeanne, my wife!

Who knows, when life serves you a lemon, it might just be the makings of a refreshing glass of lemonade. At least give it a shot! It doesn’t hurt to change your perspective and open your eyes to the potential impact that a seemingly impossible situation might have.

What is your own personal perspective on adversity? When you’re faced with a tough situation, how do you deal? Do you have any examples of times that a trial has turned out for the good, or somehow strengthened you as a person?

See the Glass a Half-Full

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“Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.”

Colin Powell

 
Who might be considered among the most popular and inspiring politicians in our last century? Presidents Franklin Roosevelt, Kennedy, and Reagan immediately come to mind. They each faced extraordinary challenges but offered Americans a spirit of hope in times of great fear.

We saw this positive attitude in the leadership of Lee Iacocca, who successfully resurrected the Chrysler Corporation from the economic disaster in the 1980s. We also witnessed it in Paul Azinger who led the USA golfers to a smashing victory over Europe in the 2008 Ryder Cup after years of humiliating defeats.

Most successful people have inspiring “can do” attitudes. They embrace challenges rather than complain and achieve more in the process.  AND, they not only accomplish great things themselves, but they also bring out the best in others.

Bringing out the best in people means looking for positive qualities and calling them out. Sometimes when you observe a negative quality, that can be a real challenge!  But it’s always possible if you begin by focusing on the positive (i.e., see the glass as “half full”), help others to do the same, and coach them in an uplifting and constructive manner rather than critically and harshly.

If you’re one who has a tendency to “see the glass half empty,” consider how an attitude change can improve your life and relationships. It’s not hard; it just requires a mindset adjustment and a few simple principles:
1. Cultivate a can-do attitude.
2. Focus on the positive (“see the glass as half full”).
3. Embrace challenges and use them to your advantage. Remember that the best character growth comes from successfully handling adversity.
4. Focus on (and bring out) the best in the people around you; inspire them to have a can-do attitude as well!

What examples have you seen of someone who has a can-do attitude and brings out the best in the people around them?
Share your ideas and experiences with our online community; we’d love to hear from you!

Coaching 101: Critics Vs. Encouragers

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How many coaches have you had in your lifetime?  5? 10? 20? However many, each was responsible for developing you in some subject or skill area. They helped grow your strengths and correct your weaknesses. When delivered in the right setting and in the right manner, their constructive criticism was a good thing, wasn’t it? It helped you be better, perform better, and know better.

There can be a dark side to criticism, though. It can be sharp, abrasive, and downright mean-spirited. This kind of advice comes off sounding like a slap in the face instead of an arm around the shoulders, and can deeply hurt people. People do it because they think it gets fast results, but they couldn’t be more misguided.

I’ve known people who are natural critics of everything in life, including themselves. It’s as though they thrive on negativity and find pleasure in correcting others or pointing out their weaknesses. They have a distorted view of reality and are often angry, bitter, insecure, mean-spirited, jealous, or all of the above. These types usually operate on the assumption that correcting flaws is the way to maximize results. They withhold praise. “Coaches” like this can be tough to handle.

There is another philosophy that operates from a completely different paradigm. It embodies inspiration, encouragement, and constructive feedback. Here, others are challenged to build on their strengths and correct their weaknesses through positive instruction and effort. Communication includes both positives and negatives, but the style embraces praise and encouragement over harsh criticism.

Let’s self-reflect for a moment.

  1. Which style works better for you when you’re on the receiving end of criticism?
  2. Which style do you employ when you’re on the delivering end of criticism?

I’m pretty confident we will all respond to the first question with “the second style.”  But, our answers are going to vary on the second. Are we humble and self-aware enough to be honest if the truthful answer is, “the first style?”

There’s a wise proverb that says, “The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry, and a wise friend’s timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger.” Wouldn’t it be great to have that kind of impact in other people’s life? Not only that, wouldn’t it be more effective?

Throughout your life you’ll face countless situations where you give feedback to others. You may be a teacher or coach yourself (or become one, one day), or perhaps you manage an office or a team of employees. You might be asked for guidance from a friend who is going through a difficult time or a tough decision. Which coaching philosophy will you adopt? Remember, how you say it matters (http://dennistrittin.com/view_blog.aspx?blog_id=127) —a lot.

In order to bring out the best in others, the encouragement approach is far more effective. Not only is the feedback more balanced and accurate, but people put forth a more inspired effort to reach new heights when they work with someone who cares. Simply stated, people try harder to please someone they like and admire.

So, whenever you have the opportunity, be an encourager, not a critic—and always look for the best in people.

Consider the favorite teachers, coaches, and mentors in your life. What coaching style did they use? Which one comes more naturally to you? Do you actively seek opportunities to praise and encourage others?

What Do YOU Uniquely Have to Offer the World?

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With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I’ve been reflecting on how thankful I am—not for what I have for myself, but for what I have to give away. Really, life’s greatest joys come not from the getting, but from the giving. Don’t you agree?

I have special admiration for people who commit their lives to serving others. They’re not motivated by fame or fortune or power or things, but rather by joyful service. Their qualities of generosity, empathy, compassion, and kindness seem to come naturally to them, and they’re inspiring treasures to us all.

How you impact the world will be driven by what you have to offer and what you choose to offer. Well then, what do you uniquely have to offer the world?

“What do I have to offer the world?” It’s a profound question, and one that will continually evolve throughout your lifetime. At any point, though, your assets will generally fall into three categories: your time, your talent, and your treasure.

There are many different avenues that allow you to allocate these resources to serve others. To decide how best to give what you have to benefit others, there are three main questions to consider:

  • What talents and skills do I have to offer?
  • What groups or community segments (e.g., youth, elderly, homeless) do I feel most called to help?
  • What organizations will allow me to use my talents to help those I feel most passionately about?

Then, it becomes a matter of deciding which of your assets to offer to have the greatest potential impact in each situation. Your time, talent, and treasure offer you tremendous opportunities to give the gift of yourself.

Living life with the heart of a giver will bring help and hope to others and immense joy to you in return. You’ll receive far more than what you give. Nothing compares with using your gifts and talents to improve the world around you. This is the true spirit of Thanksgiving!

Have you experienced the deep thankfulness that “giving yourself away” brings about?  Looking ahead, what new ways do you envision using your time, talent, and treasure to make the world a better place?

4 Tips for Handling Adversity

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In the popular kids’ book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, the small protagonist starts out mournfully, 
“I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there’s gum in my hair. When I got out of bed I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running. And I could tell it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.”

Ever had a day like Alexander’s? Or even a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad WEEK?  Month? Year?

Adversity, unfortunately is a fact of life, whether it’s as small as waking up with gum in our hair or as big as experiencing a major health issue, discouraging career setback, or the loss of a loved one. When facing our toughest times, we simply don’t know how deep the pain will be or how long it’ll take to recover. For many, this kind of uncertainty can lead to hopelessness and even depression.

It’s important to remember that every trial has a different recovery path—some admittedly longer than others—but you WILL recover. That’s why in hard times, it’s essential to maintain a sense of hope. After all, some of our greatest triumphs will come following a pe riod of despair. We just don’t know it at the time!

When we’re in an emotional valley, it helps to remember that it won’t always be this painful, and that one day we we’ll experience joy again. Thankfully, time has  a way of healing and getting us through our toughest challenges. We may even come to realize that our adversity prepared us for something greater or was even for our own good!

Regardless of the adversity you experience, it’s critical to remain hopeful and connected to your support system. This may mean reaching out to others for hel p rather than relying solely on yourself (tough for us independent types!). After all, that’s what friends are for, and you would do the same for them!

Finally, if you’re really struggling with a tough time, consider “projecting” your situation onto a friend by imagining that he (or she) is experiencing what you are. What objective advice would you give if him or her? Then, listen to your own advice! It may sound a littl e strange, but it works!

Bottom line: When hard times come, keep going, keep looking up, and keep moving forward.  It’s an ancient and proven truth that day follows night and “joy comes in the morning!”

During times of trial have you found ways to engage the principle that
 
“Day follows night… and joy comes in the morning?”
 
We’d love to hear your stories and suggestions!

The Greatest Gift We Can Give to a Teenager

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The teen years are among our greatest periods of change and self discovery. When you know who you are and why you’re here, you’re inspired to define and pursue your passions. Knowing “what makes you tick” and being able to carry that out, brings great joy and fulfillment. Unfortunately, for some, that’s easier said than done.

Take teenagers who receive few expressions of love or healthy modeling in the home. It doesn’t take long for that deficit to show up in their academics, motivation, relationships, and demeanor. In acts of sheer desperation, they search for love and false comforts in all the wrong places and check out of school. It’s a tragic cycle that has become all too common, with one unhappy ending after another.

During the past year, I’ve had many opportunities to speak with teens and young adults who are, in one form or another, facing a crisis of relevance. They see school as irrelevant, and worse yet, they see themselves as irrelevant. Some of their questions are:

  • “What am I worth when my parents never tell me they love me?”
  • “What’s the point of staying in school? I’ll never use this stuff anyway.”
  • “What can I do to convince my parents to let me live my dream?”
  • “I’m not that smart and my family has no money. Can I still become a leader?”
  • “All my parents care about is my performance…not me. How am I supposed to deal with that?

These conversations are heart wrenching. But, interestingly, it’s these kids who often most engaged in my talks on leadership! They ask the most questions and ask to share in private. They’re the ones asking questions and opening up after my speaking engagements. They’re desperately searching—for hope, relevance, and worth—even though it may not appear that way on the surface.

We’ve got to give it to them. All of them! Until young people see the relevance and value of their own lives, there’s simply no way they’ll reach their full potential.

Here are some ways adults can help:

  • Recognize that no one (especially a young person) has a complete and accurate perspective on all he or she has to offer—whether character qualities or skills. They need the perspectives of others who can offer additional insights about their value and opportunities.
  • Parents can ensure their children understand their uniqueness and value, and avoid showing favoritism through words or attention. They can value the person more than the performance.
  • Educators can offer opportunities for skills/aptitude assessments and programs where friends, relatives, and mentors honor each student with expressions of value. For example, some innovative schools hold special retreats where students receive letters collected from important people in their lives—life changing keepsake experiences.
  • Look for opportunities to “speak life” into young people and encourage them to do the same.

Remember, relevance breeds hope, and hope breeds motivation and direction. Motivation and direction help uncover passion and purpose. Passion and purpose help  fulfill potential.

These are vital gifts to give the young people in your life. Give generously.

10 Regrets to Avoid Like the Plague!

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Looking back on your life so far, do you have any regrets? Are there things you did and wish you hadn’t—or things you didn’t do and wish you had? Any relationships that are strained? Opportunities missed?  Bridges burned?

Although these are some of life’s most important questions, too many people wait until the end to ask them—and by then, it’s too late.  We’ll all have regrets from time to time. However, you can minimize big ones (or avoid them altogether) if you periodically ask yourself these questions (and then actually do something about it!).  Today is the best time to start!

When it comes to considering our regrets, there is wisdom to be gained from senior citizens who are in a naturally more reflective stage of life.  If you ask them about their life regrets, you’ll likely hear some—or maybe even all—of the following:

  1. I didn’t spend enough time with my loved ones
  2. I didn’t tell my family and friends that I loved them often enough
  3. I was too stubborn or proud to admit my mistakes and apologize
  4. I chose bitterness over reconciliation
  5. I allowed my life to be consumed by work
  6. I was too hesitant to take risks, try new things, and live my passion
  7. I wasted too much time
  8. I didn’t appreciate the little things in life
  9. I valued things over relationships
  10. I worried too much

Do any of these apply to you? Be honest! Although regrets run the gamut, did you notice that most involve relationships and priorities? This is why it’s so important that your life is balanced, you fully invest in relationships, and your priorities are right.

This discipline is a great one for all ages.  Consider sharing it with the young people in your life. It will help you—and them—make needed midcourse corrections and “relationship repairs” along the way.

Be forewarned, though: it’s not easy, and it takes a strong dose of courage, humility, and determination. Wouldn’t it be great, though, to get to the end of life and be able to say, “FEW REGRETS?!?”

Direct Your Life Toward Others

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Follow your passion. March to the beat of your own drummer. Pursue your dreams. Find yourself.

Sound familiar?  It should. The message is everywhere these days.  And it sounds great, doesn’t it, to encourage young people to discover themselves and follow their dreams? We do it all the time (me included).

But isn’t it also paradoxical that, at the very time young people are heading off into the world to become part of a college community, part of a business or organization, part of a marriage someday … they are hearing it’s all about them? No wonder colleges and employers are complaining about the entitlement mentality in today’s incoming students and employees!

Are our teens getting the wrong message from our “it’s all about me” culture?

Maybe it’s time we pay attention to combining that message with a healthy dose of other-centeredness.

In reality, the most successful individuals are those who have realized that a successful life is not all about them.  In fact, most people who have achieved a full measure of success (i.e., in their personal life as well as their professional life) will tell you the best things are found not in what they have gained for themselves, but in what they have given to others.

 Wouldn’t it be great if we could all learn this sooner rather than later?

The first half of one’s adult life can be aptly called the “accumulation stage” and the second half is the “distribution stage.” During the accumulation stage, you are in “gathering mode,” filling your  bushel basket with life’s needs and wants. In some ways, it might feel like it’s all about YOU. You build a career, buy and furnish a house, start a family, save for retirement, and buy lots of things along the way.

Then, one day, usually around 50 when the kids have left the nest and you have all the toys you need, you become more motivated to give back. You discover that the joy of giving is greater than the joy of receiving, and your perspective changes dramatically. You realize it never was about YOU. I’m a typical case—it happened to me around 49! My life is so much more focused now on others than it was when I was a young person, and I doubt I’m an exception.

When I left my dream 28-year career in investment management to teach finance and life skills to young people, I had no idea it would lead to a total career change to that of author, publisher, mentor, and speaker. But, oh, the fulfillment of being able to direct my life toward others on a regular basis.

 

Had I known this earlier, I would have sought more balance in my accumulation stage and started my distribution stage sooner. The joy and satisfaction that comes from giving our time, talent, and treasure so outweighs the fun of accumulating that I regret not starting this process earlier.

 

Where are you directing your life right now—toward self or toward others?  Give it some thought. By shifting your focus toward others, you’ll receive far more in return than you give. Your life will have more balance, your spirit will soar, you’ll make new friends, and you’ll maximize the impact of your life. Oh, and you’ll also make the world a better place in the meantime! What’s not to love about that?

How differently do you feel when you give versus when you receive? Which will have more lasting impact? How have you impressed this principle on the young people in your life? Share your ideas and stories with us by commenting below; we’d love to hear from you!

 

 

Value the Ride, Not Just the Outcome

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I always enjoy watching the post-game interviews of athletes who have just won championships. Sometimes they’re exuberant. Other times they’re stunned and almost in a daze. Some of them are at a loss for words, remarking that it “hasn’t sunk in yet.” When that’s the case, I often sense a hint of disappointment that they expected a “rush” that’s somehow elusive.

Sometimes when you win, you’ll feel the “thrill of victory”—and there’s nothing like it. In other instances when you reach a goal you’ve worked hard for, you might feel strangely subdued. Then, there are times when you don’t win, but your mood is upbeat. You expected to be bummed, but for some reason, you’re not.

Why are there so many different reactions?

One reason may be that when it comes to life experiences, the journey often has more value than reaching the goal itself. This is because effort, perseverance, character building, and teamwork all play a central role, regardless of the final outcome.  Winning isn’t everything. Not even close.

 

           Society places a great deal of emphasis on winning. Because of this, many people falsely believe the outcome is all that matters. Their enjoyment is an all-or-nothing proposition. It needn’t and shouldn’t be this way!

           I’ll never forget the student I met in Bogor, Indonesia who asked me the following question after my talk on leadership: “Mr. Dennis, I am someone who only enjoys the destination. Can you share wisdom to teach me how to enjoy the process of life?” I was blown away. That was a deep and mature question from such a young person! She was starting to recognize there is a bigger picture to pretty much everything in life. The question is, how to see it?

During my coaching years, I often felt more satisfaction after a one-point loss with our best effort than after a meager five-point victory against the weakest opponent.  I know it was because I held on to this one truth: the moral victory of doing your best can have just as much lasting value as an actual win. It’s not ultimately about whether or not you win or lose. In fact, sometimes your biggest losses can be the catalyst for something amazing! 

Expectations play a big role too. If you expect to win or achieve a goal and you succeed, the response is more subdued than otherwise. That’s why the thrill of an expected victory doesn’t have a very long shelf life.

Do yourself a big favor and savor the ride just as much as the outcome. You’ll experience the joy of your effort so much more!

                                                         

Have you ever had a lukewarm reaction to a victory and a surprisingly good feeling about a loss? Why do you suppose that is? Was the effort or the outcome more important? We’d love to hear from you! And, as always, please share us on your Facebook or Twitter, and encourage your friends to sign up for our email newsletter.

 

Embrace Change as an Opportunity

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Change happens—predictably or unexpectedly and happily or not. And, each of us handles it differently. Unfortunately, some are so uncomfortable with change that they’d prefer a mundane status quo to the uncertainty of something different. Because they don’t know how things will turn out, they expect the worst. That’s too bad—because change can be incredibly positive!

           

This year’s graduates are about to experience the greatest decade of change in their lifetime. Some of it will be voluntary and some of it not. Some of it will be clear and some of it will involve highly uncertain outcomes. Some of it will be easy to handle and some will be highly stressful. It’s all part of the journey.

        Think about some key changes that may be in store for your grads in the next several years of their life…

·      They will choose—and change—their college major/and or career path, maybe several times over! By the way, this is the norm. The anxiety associated with choosing your major /career is considerable—and it gets worse each time.

·      They will probably change jobs five to seven times in their lifetime. They’ll be dealing with new employers, new managers, new jobs to learn, new people to work with, and potential relocations and new friends to make.

·      They’ll likely move several times, whether for long periods or for short-term assignments. The assimilation involved in each situation is significant.

·      They’ll most likely date several different people before perhaps settling down into marriage. Since there is much more at stake than during high school dating, the pressure is that much greater.

·      They’ll very likely deal with a death in their family

·      They’ll buy their first house

·      They may be even blessed with children (which, in terms of “change,” will    make many of the above seem like pocket change by comparison!)

             You can use this list to help open up a conversation with them about what may lie ahead. Share your stories about how you faced these or similar changes. Change doesn’t seem as intimidating when you know someone else has navigated it successfully.

Since life is so unexpected, it’s wise to view change as a constant and become as adaptable as possible. That goes for all of us, no matter what season of life we’re in!

In the end, we all have a choice how to respond to change. We can either withdraw in fear or we can embrace it as an opportunity for growth, adventure, and preparation for even bigger things down the road. Sure, change will be unsettling at times, especially when it involves relocation and “starting from scratch.” However, there are countless examples of people who have endured enormous upheavals that proved transformational and purposeful.   So, encourage the young people in your life to be confident and courageous—and take it to heart yourself. Take change by the reins and make the most of it!

                                               

How do you react to change? Do you view it as a time of fear or as an opportunity to shine and learn? Why? Share your experiences and insights with us by commenting below; we’d love to hear from you!