Three Tips for Lasting Love

Posted by lifesmartblog

man-carrying-woman-standing-on-the-ground-and-surrounded-by-853406 As many of you may have noticed (and many of you may have not), the hit NBC show “The Bachelor” is back for its 23rd season this winter. That is 23 seasons of one man (this year, it’s Pilot Pete) dating a couple dozen women, with hopes of proposing marriage to one in less than two months. The show has a cult following, but it’s no wonder only a very small percentage of the outcoming relationships make it long-term. The whole premise is very unrealistic and doesn’t make sense for relationships in the “real world.”

Why do so many love to watch this show? Maybe it’s because people can relate to the drama of trying to find that “special someone,” and watching someone else go through it has some sort of twisted, vicarious appeal?

Dating can be the best of worlds and the worst of worlds, particularly for older teens and young adults. There are so many new, fun, and interesting people to meet as one’s circles expand (hello, college!), but it’s also a mystery because you never know what will become of the people you meet. I recall feeling like I was on an emotional roller coaster at Six Flags at that stage of life, wondering if this new prospect was Mrs. Right. (Eventually, I would find her seated next to me in a finance class at Grad School.)

Do you (or does the teen/young adult in your life) have a random or a strategic mindset when it comes to dating? Do they have solid ground rules and strongly-held values guiding them, in contrast to the ones displayed on “The Bachelor?”

Although true love can happen opportunistically (e.g., when my undergraduate college sweetheart and I were successfully matched at a computer dance!), it pays to lay down some personal ground rules in your dating life. One way is to become a “3D dater!”

Here are the 3 D’s:

Be Discriminating
Be highly selective with your choices of dates. Sadly, so many people define their self worth by whether they’re dating someone that they “date for dating’s sake” and often compromise their values along the way. It always pays to be choosy by strategically focusing on people who share similar interests, values, and goals. What are your “must haves” and “nice to haves?” If a prospect is lacking in anyof these respects, it pays to move on. Trying to force a square peg into a round whole doesn’t work for most things, but especially when our goal is a forever relationship!

Be Discerning
Be wise when you date. Many people approach dating so impulsively and emotionally that they simply don’t think clearly. (“Love is blind” comes to mind.) Understand what you want in a relationship (your expectations) and have the courage to move on if it’s not a great fit.

Be Deliberate
Be patient. This is often the hardest thing to do when the infatuation is intense (or when a computer matches you!). However, if the relationship is truly meant to be, it needn’t be rushed. If you’re feeling pressured, have the strength and self respect to put on the brakes. If they’re not willing to, they’re probably not the best choice for the long term and you’re only delaying the inevitable.
By being a 3D dater, you’ll set yourself up for long-term success rather than settling for short-term, superficial gratification that’s so common today (ahem, reality TV dating). You’re much more likely to find lasting love with fewer peaks and valleys (and heartaches) along the way!

If you are a teacher or parent, this would make for a great discussion topic with the teens under your purview. What are their must haves? Nice to haves? If they’ve dated thus far, what have been the biggest lessons they’ve learned? Don’t be shy about sharing your experiences. They’ll love it!

Friendsgiving and the Four Stages of Friendship

Posted by lifesmartblog

The holidays are already just around the corner (how did that happen?), and so many of us are already filling up our calendars with festive events, dinner parties, school functions, and traditional gift exchanges. It’s a season to focus on family and friends. How many of you are having a Friendsgiving celebration this year? I know that I am, so I definitely have the topic of friendship on my mind.

With so much focus on spending time with those we love, I’m reminded of what real friendship looks like. “Friend” is one of those words that has taken on a new meaning in today’s social media-inundated world. Now, the word “friend” can easily refer to a life-long confidante, or simply someone you just connected with on Facebook or started following on Instagram! BIG difference, don’t you think?

Generally speaking, healthy long-term relationships progress through four stages and—no offense to Facebook—“friend” isn’t the first stage. Ideally, each relationship stage should build on the other and at the proper pace. What advances a relationship to new stages or levels, IF it is meant to advance at all, are: mutual trust, compatibility, a shared interest in cultivating a deeper friendship, and the tests of time.

The stages go like this (imagine a pyramid, starting at the base):

Acquaintance
Prospect (a potential friend)
Friend
V.I.P. (Very Important Person)

Every person who becomes more than an acquaintance will start in the first stage. Most stay there forever while others may progress into the next stages. Only a very few will make it to the VIP stage—and that’s the way it should be. Most of us usually have 4-5 VIPs, the crème de la crème of people in our lives.

Unfortunately, many people—particularly young people—can rush the stages, prematurely moving from one to the next in a quest for intimacy, new friends, popularity, or a full social calendar. When the stages are rushed, people exhibit behaviors in one stage that should be reserved for a deeper one. Inevitably, these relationships disintegrate due to a breakdown in trust, a loss of interest, or a pace that is uncomfortable for one or both of the parties. Note this applies to both friendships and romantic relationships.

If you want healthy, lasting relationships, don’t rush to stage four (like they do in the movies!). When you do, you risk making an emotional investment without really knowing the person—a mistake that can take a major toll when the relationship ends. It’s better to go slow through the stages and reserve the VIP level for people who really prove their friendship, commitment, and compatibility over time. Don’t forget that good friendship and true love take time and good timing, and that’s okay.

Take some time to think about your current relationships. Can you recognize which stage each one is in? This holiday season, make a conscious effort to invest your deepest relationships and those poised to move up to the next stage. Those are the friendships that will build you up and last a lifetime!

Our Best Success Pointer, Ever? You Be the Judge.

Posted by lifesmartblog

When I wrote What I Wish I Knew at 18, I had no idea which specific pointer might resonate most with readers. After all, each of my 109 life success pointers had its own reason, place, and value. I’m often asked which is the most important one of all. I have tremendous difficulty answering this question, and I wrote the book!

To my surprise, though, one pointer seems to be resonating most of all, especially with those who are using our student guides with kids. Any guesses? It’s the one called, “Love and friendship take time… and timing.” Surprisingly, it’s having a powerful impact on adults, too!

What’s all the excitement about? In this particular lesson, we encourage young people to be patient in cultivating new friendships. We describe a relationship pyramid with four progressive stages of depth and help kids understand the parameters and privileges that go with each level. The stages, in order, are:

Acquaintance
Prospect (a potential friend, progressing from an acquaintance)
Friend (a “graduate” from the Prospect pool)
VIP (very important person in our life—a select list!)

Those who take a healthy approach to relationship building are selective in determining who stays or moves among these stages. We help readers understand that time, trust, and shared beliefs/values/interests are the defining qualities that determine whether a relationship will graduate, regress, or stay at the same level. For example, you shouldn’t expect—or permit—the same level of intimacy and trust with an “acquaintance” as you would with a “VIP” (e.g., very close friends/family members). Looking back, my biggest relationship messes were when I made some incorrect “stage assignments.”

Clearly, this isn’t rocket science. However, there seems to be something extra special about this pointer because we receive far more comments on it than any other. Why? In this age of Facebook “friendships” and other social media relationships (Instagram, Snapchat, etc.), intimacy (or false intimacy) can form too quickly and sometimes almost dangerously. The goal with this advice is to frame relationships in a more natural, realistic way, and offer a more mature perspective.

Many young people today are rushing into relationships and behaviors before they’ve been properly qualified (thanks, in no part, to our cultural messages). In their quest to make new friends or fit in, some compromise their values by engaging in behaviors with the two lowest levels that should be reserved for friends or VIPs. It’s happening more frequently among middle schoolers and is especially common on college campuses when students get lonesome and strive to make new friends quickly. In the end, many relationships fall precipitously down the pyramid, often with severe consequences, when regrettable decisions ensue…

It’s not only kids who need this advice, it seems. At a recent educator conference, a parent who had been going through What I Wish I Knew at 18 with her teenage daughter thanked us for this particular lesson. “That pointer,” she proclaimed, “changed MY life!”

Have YOU been reading What I Wish I Knew at 18 with a young person or going through the Student Guide with teens in your life? Which pointer has impacted your teen(s) the most? Which one has impacted YOU the most? We’d love to add to list of “People’s Picks” for Best Success Pointers!

The 3 Best Time-Tested Dating Tips

Posted by lifesmartblog

The 3 Best Time-Tested Dating Tips

Whether you’re a parent of a teen, a teacher, a mentor, or a teen yourself, it’s never a bad time for a refresher course when it comes to dating advice. With today’s media inundating us with unrealistic (and often unhealthy!) expectations of young relationships, it’s important to get a reality check that will stand the test of time.

Here’s some three time-tested relationship tips:

1. While infatuation can occur in a moment (what we usually see in TV and movies), it takes a long time to really get to know someone and truly gauge if he or she is “the one.” That means lots of conversations, experiences, and observation to gauge your compatibility and build trust. The Hollywood “three days and we’re engaged” routine doesn’t really work in the long term. It takes time for real love to grow! Don’t be afraid to give your relationship that time. If you or that special someone are sensing pressure to rush things, get to the heart of the matter through open conversation and reflection.

2. Real love also takes proper timing. During the adolescent years, people are going through a time of immense self-discovery. This is a crucial phase of life, where you are learning what you’re passionate about, what path you want to take in life, and what truly makes you happy. The “timing” of a committed love relationship isn’t always ideal during this tumultuous and very changeable season of life—for both parties. It may not mean that the relationship is a “not ever” one; it may just be a “not now” one.

3. This one may sound radical but it’s another time-tested piece of wisdom that can serve you well: There may be times in your life where it really doesn’t make sense for you to date at all—and that’s okay. Too often young adults get trapped into the notion that they always need to have a love interest. No so! Don’t let your self-worth and significance be tied to whether or not you have a date on Friday night. Don’t hesitate to step off the dating treadmill if you need to or want to … you don’t always have to be actively dating or have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. You are enough, and you are awesome, just by yourself. Don’t forget that.

Finally, when you do date, always remember the 3Ds…be Deliberate, Discriminating, and Discerning. This will help keep your feet on the ground when your emotions can be up in the clouds.

What are your own personal rules or guidelines when it comes to dating (whether it’s for yourself or your kids)? Do you have any other words of wisdom you would like to share? What did you learn from dating in your teen/young adult years? How did it shape you?