parenting

When Helping Is Hurting: What NOT to Do for Your Kids

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What parents don’t want their children to follow their dreams, land a solid job, have strong relationships and family, and enjoy a great life? We want them to be happy. We want them to be well-regarded by others. We want them to be successful.

But, here’s the rub. In a genuine effort to help our kids be happy and successful, there are some things we parents can do that are extremely counterproductive and actually work against our objectives.

Those who commonly work with young adults (e.g., teachers and administrators from high schools and universities, employers, etc.) report growing issues with this younger generation, four of which are particularly troubling: disrespect for authority, lack of social skills, apathy, and an entitlement mentality.  Guess where these particular issues generally originate–in the home! And, they are worsening, according to organizations receiving and trying to work with teens and young adults. The effects of media and culture aren’t helping either!

We can’t point the finger at anyone else on this one. It’s our job as parents to do our part and to help reverse this course, and the younger we can start with our kids, the better. From a parenting perspective, consider this scenario:

Say two-year old Joey is hungry.  Mom says, “Joey, do you want a banana or some grapes?” Joey doesn’t want a banana or grapes. Joey wants a mango. Mom tells Joey he needs to eat what is offered to him. He pitches a fit.  What does Mom do next?  She sends Dad out to the store to buy a mango.  Mom and Dad are happy because Joey’s happy.  Everybody’s happy, right? Wrong.

If this style of parenting continues throughout Joey’s life, as it does for many, what do you think Joey will grow up thinking?  How about:

–       he will always have choices

–       his happiness and satisfaction should be priorities to the people around him

–       he doesn’t have to comply with what he is told to do

–       Mom will always advocate for him to get his way and come out on top

–       other people are there to serve him, not the other way around

Granted, this scenario is overly simplistic, but here’s the point we want to make: Out of our desire to provide the best for our children (and keep them happy), some of our parenting methods may be contributing to their perception that the world revolves around them. If this is the case, they’re in for a rude awakening when they leave home and find that the world owes them nothing. And this is exactly what is happening—in astronomical proportions.

Do you see how this can translate to their life after they leave our home? To their experience in college or the workplace? To interpersonal skills with professors, coaches, and other superiors? To a marriage?  Not very well! Here’s what it can looks like, now and later:

  • Parents doing their children’s homework, chores, etc.
  • Parents defending unacceptable behavior of their children in meetings with school officials
  • Parents complaining to and threatening educators, coaches, and employers when their children aren’t receiving their desired rewards
  • Parents whose lives and schedules are dominated by their children’s activities and wants
  • Young adults who call in “sick” at the last minute because they’ve found something better to do
  • Young adults who don’t take responsibility for their mistakes and shortfalls or show respect to others
  • Young adults who expect teachers and employers to accommodate them instead of the other way around

Entitlement is what we call this attitude, this sense that other people owe us something—that we are deserving, regardless of whether we have done anything to earn it. It stems from the parenting style just described and some undesirable consequences of the “self esteem movement.” As a result, children feel entitled to get their way, viewing rules as arbitrary and voluntary, their needs as paramount, and other people as existing to serve them. And parents, unwittingly, are generally the ones who are cultivating this mindset.

In order for us to give our young adults wings on which they can really fly, we can’t coddle or cave in to them. If we’ve been doing it up to this point (as revealed in our children’s behavior), we need to turn it around fast, before they get out into the real world.

We can’t set our kids up as the center of our universe and let them think the planets revolve around them. It may seem a short-term solution when they’re pitching a fit as a two-year old, or even as an immature teenager. But in the long run, it will come back to bite us—and them.

Dennis_Arlyn_smallerAdapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World, by Dennis Trittin and Arlyn Lawrence, available through LifeSmart Publishing and Atlas Books.

 

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow? Learn to Analyze Your Spending

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When it comes to “budgeting,” many find it right up there with dieting and root canals in terms of the pleasure factor. However, tracking your spending and disciplining yourself to live within your means and save for the future is definitely worth the effort. If budgeting is not a natural bent for you, don’t give up on the idea altogether. You just need a willing attitude and some good resources to help you stay disciplined and on track with your finances.

How do you stay on top of your financial game?

The basic report you should complete (on at least a quarterly basis) is a cash flow statement. This report tallies your income and expenses in several key categories. It’s the surest way to see whether you’re living within your means and where your spending may be excessive. After subtracting all of your expenses from your income, you’ll see whether your net cash flow for that period is positive or negative. Remember, the goal is positive, positive, positive!

There are many online tools to help analyze your cash flow  (e.g., www.quicken.com and www.mint.com). In the past, analyzing cash flow was a lot more work—you had to save your receipts and organize them manually. But nowadays, if you use a debit card and checks for your purchases and bills, and you link your bank account to your online budgeting program, it will automatically categorize your spending and indicate where your money is going. It will even send you an email in the middle of a month to let you know if you’re over budget in a particular category (it knows if you’ve been bad or good)!

Even if it’s just a 75-cent daily newspaper or a $3 latte as you head to work each morning, make sure you account for every single dollar you spend. That’s how you can see exactly where your money is going. You may be surprised when you look at your spending after even just a couple of weeks. The nickels and dimes add up!

Analyzing spending and developing budgets are great skills to develop in the young people in your life. For young adults just starting out, tracking their spending will help determine how much they can afford for rent/housing and a car, significant expenses each month. How much should average living expenses cost? The following are typical expenditure categories and the rough percentages each should represent:

  • Housing/rent (includes utilities)    30-35%
  • Household/personal items                     20
  • Autos/transportation                              10
  • Charitable giving                                      10
  • Savings and investments                        10+ (not an expenditure per se)
  • Entertainment and leisure                       7
  • Debt/loans                                                  5
  • Insurance                                                    5
  • Miscellaneous                                             3

While the above percentages are ballpark figures (and they do change through life),  spending more than five percent above these levels is getting “up there,” with the exception of savings and investments and loans for new college grads. It’s also important to reflect periodic expenses like gifts and vacations in a budget. Holiday spending tends to spike in December, as does vacation spending in the summer. Therefore, it pays to update statements on a monthly or quarterly basis to avoid underestimating expenses. Compare actual spending to these ballpark figures, and you’ll have a good sense of whether you’re overspending in particular categories. And, take special precautions against buying too much house or car—these fixed expenses get many people in trouble.

Wise financial planning requires knowing where your money goes. You’ll make better financial choices, build a stronger credit rating, and develop good savings habits that help build wealth.

Do you track and analyze your spending?  How do you do it?  Have you trained and modeled this to the young adults in your life and, if so, how? We’d love to hear your insight and experiences!

 

Be the Only You

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“Progress” can often be a two steps forward and one step backward proposition. The technological advances of the last two decades are a good case in point. We are so much more efficient and productive (albeit more distracted!) and, in many ways, connected. The access we have to information boggles my mind compared to what it was a mere 15 years ago.

This progress, however, has come at a cost. For one, our lives are not as private as they used to be. In some cases, it’s the result of information or images that wind up in places we didn’t expect (the most egregious example being “racey” photos). In other cases, identities are stolen and manipulated by shady characters. In this latter case, others can literally pretending to be you. This is real and no laughing matter.

Do you and your family know how to protect yourselves?

Identity theft is when an imposter uses your personal information without your permission. It’s a crime and can cause untold problems for the victim. Generally speaking, it’s caused by lost or stolen credit cards, careless disposal of investment/banking statements, providing personal information (Social Security Number and PINs) where you shouldn’t, and various viral and malware attacks. The perpetrator may open credit cards and accounts in your name, forge your signature, and even obtain a driver’s license in your name.

There is an ever-growing list of ways to avoid identity theft. Some of the key ones are:

  • Shredding your financial documents after their use
  • Keeping PINs (for debit cards) and passwords in a safe, private place and changing your passwords regularly
  • NEVER sharing your banking information, passwords, or PINs with anyone (an especially good reminder for young people, who are often used to  “sharing ” everything, to the point of too much!)
  • Signing credit cards immediately and destroying outdated ones promptly
  • Not keeping your Social Security Card in your wallet or purse
  • Not disclosing your Social Security Number unless it is absolutely required
  • Calling your financial institutions and credit card providers immediately if your wallet or purse is stolen
  • Never taking phone solicitations that seek your Social Security Number and never emailing your Social Security Number or PINs to anyone.
  • Only opening email attachments when you are certain as to their safety
  • Treating your personal information as personal and private!
  • Being extremely wary of phone solicitations. If offers sound too good to be true or the sales party is aggressive, steer clear! Personally, I just avoid solicitors altogether. Period.
  • Report suspicious behavior immediately
  • Use the best anti-virus and anti-malware software for your computers

Finally, there will be situations when you simply don’t know if it’s a safe bet. Here, you should consult with trusted people in the know before releasing any information that is private. Always err on the conservative.              

How careful are you with your personal, financial, and computer information? Have you discussed this with the young adults in your life—your children, students, or young adults you mentor? Share your tips and stories with us by commenting below; we’d love to hear from you!

Build and Maintain a Good Credit Rating

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January is National Financial Wellness Month. It’s a great opportunity to do some assessing of our financial well being. It’s also an opportunity to think about how well we’re modeling and training the young people in our lives—our children, students, mentees, etc.

Here’s a good example. Can we be trusted to repay a debt? I hope the answer is a resounding “Yes!”

That’s what we want lending institutions to answer when we apply for a loan or home mortgage. They’re making a bet on us to repay our loans with interest on time, all the time. But, in order for them to conclude that we’re worth the risk, they’ll need to analyze our financial condition. In that evaluation process, one of the key measures they consider is our credit rating. It’s their way of getting independent advice on our creditworthiness.

Most young adults don’t think about this when they’re starting out, but it’s an important principle to instill at a young age—and to be reminded of throughout life. Do you know what it takes to have a good credit rating?

The most commonly used credit measure is your FICO score. Scores from 680-850 are considered good by lenders. Your keys to a favorable credit rating include:

  • Modest debt relative to your assets and income
  • Reputation for paying your bills fully and on time
  • Making regular deposits into your savings and investment accounts
  • Having a modest number of credit cards and preferably with low or zero outstanding balances
  • Paying off debt rather than replacing it with other debt
  • Not bouncing checks
  • Having a positive and growing net worth

When you have a good credit rating, you’ll receive better access to loans, larger available credit lines, and lower interest rates. It also affects your insurance rates and whether or not a landlord wants to take a risk on leasing a house or apartment to you. That’s why achieving a favorable credit rating should be a priority.

What if your credit rating isn’t so hot? You can turn it around. The sooner you start building—or repairing and RE-building, the better. It generally takes seven years for negative items to drop off your credit reports.

One thing to note if you are rebuilding your credit is that simply closing your revolving accounts to improve your credit score won’t necessarily work.  Closing credit accounts not only lowers the number of open revolving accounts (which generally will improve credit scores), but also decreases the total amount of available credit. That results in a higher “utilization rate,” also called the balance-to-limit ratio, which will actually lower your credit score! So, though it seems counter intuitive, just closing accounts is not the answer; rather, you want to pay them off and then wait patiently. When repairing bad credit, TIME is one of your greatest allies, along with PATIENCE and PRUDENCE.

How would a financial institution assess you as a credit risk? If the answer is “good,” then well done! If the answer is “not good,” what are the primary drivers? What specific steps can you take today that will turn it around?

Focus on the Things that Matter

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There sure is a lot of hustle and bustle this time year, isn’t there? Holiday shopping, holiday plans, holiday travel, holiday parties… It’s all too easy to get caught up in the activity and miss out on the things that really matter.

There will always be times in life when we feel like the rope in a tug of war, and it’s not just at Christmas. Often, when this happens, there are two formidable competitors pulling us in opposite directions. On one end are the key people in our lives with whom we have relationships. They want (and deserve) our time and attention, as well as an opportunity to grow with us. On the other end is one tough opponent—the “big three,” namely status, career, and wealth and everything that flows from that. Like most things, these are fine in moderation, but taken to an extreme (as they often are), they can destroy relationships. They can easily consume our time and energy and divert us from our priorities and core values if we’re not careful.

During the past few decades, we’ve witnessed a cultural shift toward accumulating things, rather than emphasizing in-depth relationships. You see it everywhere, especially with retailers and credit card companies that are out to get our last nickel (especially during calendar-shortened holiday seasons!). It’s found in massive consumer debt when people overspend on status-conscious items and live beyond their means. And, you see it in people consumed by their careers and in those increasingly invasive businesses demanding their employees respond to evening emails.

This holiday season, I hope you’ll remember that truly successful people recognize how important they are to others and how important others are to them. Relationships are enduring—things are not. Let’s strive to always reflect this in our priorities and in how we spend our time. We can never get back the time we didn’t spend with our loved ones. That’s a life regret we never want to bear!

Let today, this week, this holiday season, be a time of special focus and renewed commitment to the things that really matter. Merry Christmas, all!

How are you spending the bulk of your time and energy? Are you focusing enough on areas that build stronger relationships with family and friends? Or, are you allowing other things to dominate your priorities? We invite you to share your thoughts and suggestions with us commenting; we’d love to hear from you!

 

Give the Gifts that Keep on Giving

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What do you want for Christmas?” It’s probably the most asked question this month. There was a time when my Christmas list was a mile long, but now it’s filled with hopes for others—especially for the young people in this world. (Truth be told, my first career desire was to be Santa.)

 It is said that the first half of one’s life is the “accumulation stage” and the second half is the “distribution stage.” During the accumulation stage, you’re in “gathering mode,” spending your efforts on life’s needs and wants. You build a career, buy and furnish a house, start a family, save for retirement, and buy lots of things along the way.  But is that all there is to life?

Then, one day, usually around 50 when, you have all the toys you need and the kids aren’t kids anymore, you become more motivated to give back. You discover that the joy of giving is greater than the joy of receiving, and your perspective changes dramatically. I’m a typical case—it happened to me around 49! That’s when my life focus shifted to helping children and young adults lay a solid leadership foundation for life.

Did you notice how the first half of life tends to be more skewed toward self and family? And, in the second half how the focus often shifts toward others? Had I known this earlier, I would have sought more balance in my accumulation stage and started my distribution stage sooner. The joy and satisfaction that comes from giving our time, talent, and treasure so outweighs the fun of accumulating that I regret not starting this process earlier.

As I write this, it’s the Christmas season. Opportunities for giving and sharing abound. But hopefully directing our lives toward others will not be a once-a-year event. By starting earlier and making it last the whole year long, we receive far more in return than we give.

Do you want your life to have more balance, your spirit to soar, to make new friends, and maximize the impact of your life—and make the world a better place in the meantime? Embrace the gift of giving of yourself this holiday season… then make it the gift that keeps on giving, into January, the New Year, and beyond.                                   

Take a few-second self-check: Where are you centering your life? How are you modeling this principle to the young people in your life? Share your insights and ideas with us; we’d love to hear from you!

 

Give Them Wings, Not Strings (Part 2)

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There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.

~Hodding Carter, Jr.

At a recent educator conference, a college professor lamenting the lack of real world readiness among many students confided that teens aren’t the only ones unprepared—often it’s their parents, too. She pulled out her tablet and opened an email from a student who was failing in math and science. In it was this heartbreaking sentence … “I really want to be studying fashion design, but my parents won’t let me major in that.” This student had the gifts, creative temperament, and passion for design, but her parents were footing her college bill and had their own expectations and agenda.

Were they giving her wings? Or strings?

Ultimately, raising young adults and releasing them prepared for the real world is not supposed to be about us (i.e., parents) and our identity, interests, or agenda. It’s about doing what’s best for our kids—giving them wings, not strings. Here’s what strings and wings can look like as we relate to our teens:

Strings:

  • helicoptering (hovering, orchestrating, interfering, nagging, meddling)
  • performance-driven (excessive pressuring for achievements and accomplishments, often because of how they reflect on the parent; valuing the performance more than the person, from the child’s point of view)
  • vicariousness (living life through the child; glorying in his or her successes and agonizing in his/her defeats as if they are the parent’s own)
  • enabling (not letting him/her fail and face consequences and take responsibility)
  • overprotection (being overly fearful of outside influences and perceived dangers; not allowing kids to experience enough of the real world to make informed choices; restricting them from meeting different people/navigating difficult situations and making their own decisions)

            

Wings:

  • healthy separation (understanding that teens are their own persons separate from their parents and incrementally giving space and respect)
  • trust and grace (granting incremental freedom as it is earned through responsibility and integrity; making allowances for immaturity and lack of experience, extending forgiveness, and taking steps to re-establish trust when it is broken)
  • equipping (strategically training them to handle real world responsibilities and situations)
  • empowering (letting them make their own decisions and experience new/different kinds of people and challenging situations with trust and guidance; appreciating their unique design, gifts, and interests)

 

Granted, it’s not all about us and what we do or don’t do. However, the way we train our children has a significant influence on their readiness for independent life. By the time children reach the teen years and parents need to start letting go, the indications should suggest we’re raising—and releasing—mature, trustworthy, well-adjusted, and motivated young adults who are ready to tackle the world. If they’re otherwise, parenting methods might be playing a role. It’s never too late or too early for some mid-course corrections where needed.

Can you think of other examples of wing versus strings? If you are an educator, how do you see this impacting the students in your classrooms and how have you dealt with it?

 

Give Them Wings, Not Strings

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At an educators’ conference last summer, a professor from a large Texas university approached me after our workshop on preparing high school students for “real world success.” Her question was, “This is great—but how can we get this message to parents as well?”

We hear that a lot. In fact, in our work with educators, youth mentors, and business and community leaders, there’s an overwhelming and urgent cry. They tell us that too many young people today are entering adulthood underprepared.

How did we get to this state of affairs? There are a number of factors. One is what it commonly referred to as an “entitlement” mentality—the sense that other people owe us something, regardless of whether we have done anything to earn it. Many young adults feel entitled to get their way, viewing rules as arbitrary, their needs as paramount, and other people as existing to serve them.

It’s easy to see how this mentality can affect a young person’s ability to navigate relationships and responsibilities in the “real world.” It harms relationships with teachers, coaches, professors, employers, and other superiors? It demotivates.

Where does this kind of thinking come from?  Let’s take a look at some contributing factors that can stem from the home:

  • Parents catering to a child’s whims and wants (and whose lives are dominated by their children’s activities)
  • Parents doing their children’s homework, chores, etc. (“They have too much homework.” “They’re busy.” “They’re overworked.”)
  • Parents defending their children’s unacceptable behavior in meetings with school officials, coaches, etc.
  • Parents complaining to and threatening educators, coaches, and employers when their children aren’t receiving desired rewards or positions
  • Parents who don’t demand their children take responsibility for their mistakes and shortfalls or show respect to others
  • Parents who focus first and foremost on being their child’s friend

Granted, it’s not all about parenting and what we do or don’t do. However, the way we train our children has a greatly influences how prepared they are for independent life. We can give them wings—or we can give them strings.

Strings would be anything that ties our children down and prevents them from achieving their full potential. We tie our kids down when we overly enable or control them. Wings are the things we do to prepare our children to be secure, confident, and independent adults who will live with integrity and impact. We empower our kids when we train them with strong internal guiding principles and give them freedom, opportunity, and accountability to apply them. Picture an eagle—it is free to soar high and far and to navigate the winds and turbulence that life often brings.

If you’re parenting teens, are you giving them wings… or strings?  It’s one of the most significant parenting fundamental (so much so that it’s the first chapter in our new book!). Next week we’ll take a look at what wings and strings can look like in real life. It’s something to think about.

Parenting is a Team Sport

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Last Valentine’s Day, the parents of our teenage daughter’s best friend took the girls and a third friend out to a fancy restaurant. The dad gave the girls pretty rings and a pep talk about their priceless worth and the importance of loving and respecting themselves. He had contacted my husband Doug and me earlier to ask our permission and we happily consented.  After all, he was reinforcing something we felt strongly about and we were glad for Hillary to hear it from more than just us.

Doug and I (Arlyn) joke all the time that parenting is a “team sport”—and our team extends beyond ourselves as Mom and Dad. Some experts believe the magic number is five—that every teen needs at least five adult voices in his or her life that will reinforce positive values and a healthy self-image. For our kids, these voices have included:

  • their grandparents and other extended family members
  • family friends
  • youth group leaders/mentors
  • teachers and coaches
  • parents of some of their friends

 

It’s been rewarding to see the different perspectives and qualities these other “voices” have contributed, especially at times when Mom and Dad were a little less popular! They offered wisdom in diverse areas like:

  • work ethic
  • integrity
  • perseverance and self-discipline
  • relationships
  • financial management
  • spiritual life (faith, encouragement, prayer)
  • practical skills like construction, painting, cooking, and car repair
  • the value of family
  • aspirations for college and a successful career
  • modeling a lifelong marriage

 

Do you have the benefit of other influences in your teen’s life that will tell him the same things you would? The unique value of other adults in our teens’ lives is not just the wisdom they offer, but the fact that they are listened to. So, if our voices are temporarily devalued and our influence seems to be waning, we can recruit others to “shore us up.” Plus, sometimes other adults offer unique perspectives and insights that we as parents simply lack.

For example, when one of our kids was going through a rough patch in high school, his track coach stepped in and brought some much needed perspective, encouragement, and accountability. This coach was also our son’s AP Psychology teacher. Because of that expertise, he was able to offer him unique insights that spoke directly and objectively to his logical nature, helping him better understand himself and his reactions. It ended up being a win on a number of levels.

Guaranteed: your children will stumble here and there as they make great strides. Sometimes, they will want you there to pick them up, dust them off and set them straight again. Other times, they’ll prefer you keep your distance and let them handle it. In these instances, having those important third part voices in place will be great backup support.

If your teen is having a tough time, who in your life could become an asset for the situation? It always pays to know, and to keep them in your “hip pocket” just in case!

What do you think about the idea that “parenting is a team sport?” Who are other adults that you would consider to be on your “team?” If you need to shore this up, who are some likely candidates?

 

Posted barlyn.smally Arlyn. Adapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World (Dennis Trittin & Arlyn Lawrence, LifeSmart Publishing).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are YOU Ready for the Launch?

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The year 2008 will forever go down as one of the most significant in my life. I’ll never forget opening the email from Pepperdine University and seeing the first words on the page, “Congratulations!” Our son Michael had made it into his dream school after all—and Jeanne and I called him right in the middle of his high school English class to tell him so!  (I’m pretty sure his elated response to, “Son, it looks like you’re heading to Malibu!” made the classroom walls shake!)

The summer passed quickly without us seeing much of Michael—no surprises there—and soon we were on our way to Southern California for the send-off. I held up well…that is, until the parents were asked to depart and the college gymnasium became a sea of embraces and good byes. When it was my turn, all I could get out was, “Thanks.” And then Michael was off.

I thought, That’s it? So quickly? I’ll never forget walking to the car in silence—Jeanne, daughter Lauren, and me—each of us processing what had just happened. Our once child and now young man was ready for the launch. And, though admittedly I shed a few tears, I couldn’t have been happier for him. Sure, we’d miss him dearly, but we’d prepared him and ourselves for this moment—and now Michael was on his way to living his dream.

“Launch time” is that moment we parents practically and emotionally hand over the reins and transition to a new stage. It hits us all differently, because we—and our children—are unique. How well we handle this stage will have a major bearing on the quality of our parent-child relationship for years to come.

When teens reach the launching stage (roughly the year before and few years after leaving home—usually 17-20), they embark on a new life-phase that is vitally important to their future. Because they’re one part child and one part adult and maturity levels vary, some transition better than others. How well their parents handle it plays a crucial role, too.

We parents lived through this stage ourselves in our own time and situations. That puts us in a special position to share and encourage with empathy, understanding, and excitement for their future. To ready our young adult children for “the launch,” we need to provide them with:

  • Our unconditional love and understanding
  • Our belief and encouragement
  • Preparation and practical wisdom
  • Our perspective of their uniqueness and value
  • Full acceptance that it’s their life and dreams, not ours
  • A healthy and enduring relationship based on trust
  • An open door 24-7
  • Realistic expectations

Our ability to successfully launch our teens to thrive in adulthood doesn’t just “happen” at the moment of send-off. It is the result of all of the hard work and preparation that has come before. Their self-confidence as independent adults will frame how well they transition to this next phase of life.

The fact is, we can’t control our children’s outcomes, but we can prepare them to make wise decisions for their long-term futures. Then we can release them to find their way, while always being there for sharing, caring, and advice as they seek it.

We let go, knowing we’ve given it our best.

It’s as simple and as difficult as that!

 

PDennis_smallerosted by Dennis, adapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World (Dennis Trittin & Arlyn Lawrence, LifeSmart Publishing)