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Focus on the Things that Matter

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There sure is a lot of hustle and bustle this time year, isn’t there? Holiday shopping, holiday plans, holiday travel, holiday parties… It’s all too easy to get caught up in the activity and miss out on the things that really matter.

There will always be times in life when we feel like the rope in a tug of war, and it’s not just at Christmas. Often, when this happens, there are two formidable competitors pulling us in opposite directions. On one end are the key people in our lives with whom we have relationships. They want (and deserve) our time and attention, as well as an opportunity to grow with us. On the other end is one tough opponent—the “big three,” namely status, career, and wealth and everything that flows from that. Like most things, these are fine in moderation, but taken to an extreme (as they often are), they can destroy relationships. They can easily consume our time and energy and divert us from our priorities and core values if we’re not careful.

During the past few decades, we’ve witnessed a cultural shift toward accumulating things, rather than emphasizing in-depth relationships. You see it everywhere, especially with retailers and credit card companies that are out to get our last nickel (especially during calendar-shortened holiday seasons!). It’s found in massive consumer debt when people overspend on status-conscious items and live beyond their means. And, you see it in people consumed by their careers and in those increasingly invasive businesses demanding their employees respond to evening emails.

This holiday season, I hope you’ll remember that truly successful people recognize how important they are to others and how important others are to them. Relationships are enduring—things are not. Let’s strive to always reflect this in our priorities and in how we spend our time. We can never get back the time we didn’t spend with our loved ones. That’s a life regret we never want to bear!

Let today, this week, this holiday season, be a time of special focus and renewed commitment to the things that really matter. Merry Christmas, all!

How are you spending the bulk of your time and energy? Are you focusing enough on areas that build stronger relationships with family and friends? Or, are you allowing other things to dominate your priorities? We invite you to share your thoughts and suggestions with us commenting; we’d love to hear from you!

 

Give the Gifts that Keep on Giving

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What do you want for Christmas?” It’s probably the most asked question this month. There was a time when my Christmas list was a mile long, but now it’s filled with hopes for others—especially for the young people in this world. (Truth be told, my first career desire was to be Santa.)

 It is said that the first half of one’s life is the “accumulation stage” and the second half is the “distribution stage.” During the accumulation stage, you’re in “gathering mode,” spending your efforts on life’s needs and wants. You build a career, buy and furnish a house, start a family, save for retirement, and buy lots of things along the way.  But is that all there is to life?

Then, one day, usually around 50 when, you have all the toys you need and the kids aren’t kids anymore, you become more motivated to give back. You discover that the joy of giving is greater than the joy of receiving, and your perspective changes dramatically. I’m a typical case—it happened to me around 49! That’s when my life focus shifted to helping children and young adults lay a solid leadership foundation for life.

Did you notice how the first half of life tends to be more skewed toward self and family? And, in the second half how the focus often shifts toward others? Had I known this earlier, I would have sought more balance in my accumulation stage and started my distribution stage sooner. The joy and satisfaction that comes from giving our time, talent, and treasure so outweighs the fun of accumulating that I regret not starting this process earlier.

As I write this, it’s the Christmas season. Opportunities for giving and sharing abound. But hopefully directing our lives toward others will not be a once-a-year event. By starting earlier and making it last the whole year long, we receive far more in return than we give.

Do you want your life to have more balance, your spirit to soar, to make new friends, and maximize the impact of your life—and make the world a better place in the meantime? Embrace the gift of giving of yourself this holiday season… then make it the gift that keeps on giving, into January, the New Year, and beyond.                                   

Take a few-second self-check: Where are you centering your life? How are you modeling this principle to the young people in your life? Share your insights and ideas with us; we’d love to hear from you!

 

Give Them Wings, Not Strings (Part 2)

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There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.

~Hodding Carter, Jr.

At a recent educator conference, a college professor lamenting the lack of real world readiness among many students confided that teens aren’t the only ones unprepared—often it’s their parents, too. She pulled out her tablet and opened an email from a student who was failing in math and science. In it was this heartbreaking sentence … “I really want to be studying fashion design, but my parents won’t let me major in that.” This student had the gifts, creative temperament, and passion for design, but her parents were footing her college bill and had their own expectations and agenda.

Were they giving her wings? Or strings?

Ultimately, raising young adults and releasing them prepared for the real world is not supposed to be about us (i.e., parents) and our identity, interests, or agenda. It’s about doing what’s best for our kids—giving them wings, not strings. Here’s what strings and wings can look like as we relate to our teens:

Strings:

  • helicoptering (hovering, orchestrating, interfering, nagging, meddling)
  • performance-driven (excessive pressuring for achievements and accomplishments, often because of how they reflect on the parent; valuing the performance more than the person, from the child’s point of view)
  • vicariousness (living life through the child; glorying in his or her successes and agonizing in his/her defeats as if they are the parent’s own)
  • enabling (not letting him/her fail and face consequences and take responsibility)
  • overprotection (being overly fearful of outside influences and perceived dangers; not allowing kids to experience enough of the real world to make informed choices; restricting them from meeting different people/navigating difficult situations and making their own decisions)

            

Wings:

  • healthy separation (understanding that teens are their own persons separate from their parents and incrementally giving space and respect)
  • trust and grace (granting incremental freedom as it is earned through responsibility and integrity; making allowances for immaturity and lack of experience, extending forgiveness, and taking steps to re-establish trust when it is broken)
  • equipping (strategically training them to handle real world responsibilities and situations)
  • empowering (letting them make their own decisions and experience new/different kinds of people and challenging situations with trust and guidance; appreciating their unique design, gifts, and interests)

 

Granted, it’s not all about us and what we do or don’t do. However, the way we train our children has a significant influence on their readiness for independent life. By the time children reach the teen years and parents need to start letting go, the indications should suggest we’re raising—and releasing—mature, trustworthy, well-adjusted, and motivated young adults who are ready to tackle the world. If they’re otherwise, parenting methods might be playing a role. It’s never too late or too early for some mid-course corrections where needed.

Can you think of other examples of wing versus strings? If you are an educator, how do you see this impacting the students in your classrooms and how have you dealt with it?

 

Give Them Wings, Not Strings

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At an educators’ conference last summer, a professor from a large Texas university approached me after our workshop on preparing high school students for “real world success.” Her question was, “This is great—but how can we get this message to parents as well?”

We hear that a lot. In fact, in our work with educators, youth mentors, and business and community leaders, there’s an overwhelming and urgent cry. They tell us that too many young people today are entering adulthood underprepared.

How did we get to this state of affairs? There are a number of factors. One is what it commonly referred to as an “entitlement” mentality—the sense that other people owe us something, regardless of whether we have done anything to earn it. Many young adults feel entitled to get their way, viewing rules as arbitrary, their needs as paramount, and other people as existing to serve them.

It’s easy to see how this mentality can affect a young person’s ability to navigate relationships and responsibilities in the “real world.” It harms relationships with teachers, coaches, professors, employers, and other superiors? It demotivates.

Where does this kind of thinking come from?  Let’s take a look at some contributing factors that can stem from the home:

  • Parents catering to a child’s whims and wants (and whose lives are dominated by their children’s activities)
  • Parents doing their children’s homework, chores, etc. (“They have too much homework.” “They’re busy.” “They’re overworked.”)
  • Parents defending their children’s unacceptable behavior in meetings with school officials, coaches, etc.
  • Parents complaining to and threatening educators, coaches, and employers when their children aren’t receiving desired rewards or positions
  • Parents who don’t demand their children take responsibility for their mistakes and shortfalls or show respect to others
  • Parents who focus first and foremost on being their child’s friend

Granted, it’s not all about parenting and what we do or don’t do. However, the way we train our children has a greatly influences how prepared they are for independent life. We can give them wings—or we can give them strings.

Strings would be anything that ties our children down and prevents them from achieving their full potential. We tie our kids down when we overly enable or control them. Wings are the things we do to prepare our children to be secure, confident, and independent adults who will live with integrity and impact. We empower our kids when we train them with strong internal guiding principles and give them freedom, opportunity, and accountability to apply them. Picture an eagle—it is free to soar high and far and to navigate the winds and turbulence that life often brings.

If you’re parenting teens, are you giving them wings… or strings?  It’s one of the most significant parenting fundamental (so much so that it’s the first chapter in our new book!). Next week we’ll take a look at what wings and strings can look like in real life. It’s something to think about.

Parenting is a Team Sport

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Last Valentine’s Day, the parents of our teenage daughter’s best friend took the girls and a third friend out to a fancy restaurant. The dad gave the girls pretty rings and a pep talk about their priceless worth and the importance of loving and respecting themselves. He had contacted my husband Doug and me earlier to ask our permission and we happily consented.  After all, he was reinforcing something we felt strongly about and we were glad for Hillary to hear it from more than just us.

Doug and I (Arlyn) joke all the time that parenting is a “team sport”—and our team extends beyond ourselves as Mom and Dad. Some experts believe the magic number is five—that every teen needs at least five adult voices in his or her life that will reinforce positive values and a healthy self-image. For our kids, these voices have included:

  • their grandparents and other extended family members
  • family friends
  • youth group leaders/mentors
  • teachers and coaches
  • parents of some of their friends

 

It’s been rewarding to see the different perspectives and qualities these other “voices” have contributed, especially at times when Mom and Dad were a little less popular! They offered wisdom in diverse areas like:

  • work ethic
  • integrity
  • perseverance and self-discipline
  • relationships
  • financial management
  • spiritual life (faith, encouragement, prayer)
  • practical skills like construction, painting, cooking, and car repair
  • the value of family
  • aspirations for college and a successful career
  • modeling a lifelong marriage

 

Do you have the benefit of other influences in your teen’s life that will tell him the same things you would? The unique value of other adults in our teens’ lives is not just the wisdom they offer, but the fact that they are listened to. So, if our voices are temporarily devalued and our influence seems to be waning, we can recruit others to “shore us up.” Plus, sometimes other adults offer unique perspectives and insights that we as parents simply lack.

For example, when one of our kids was going through a rough patch in high school, his track coach stepped in and brought some much needed perspective, encouragement, and accountability. This coach was also our son’s AP Psychology teacher. Because of that expertise, he was able to offer him unique insights that spoke directly and objectively to his logical nature, helping him better understand himself and his reactions. It ended up being a win on a number of levels.

Guaranteed: your children will stumble here and there as they make great strides. Sometimes, they will want you there to pick them up, dust them off and set them straight again. Other times, they’ll prefer you keep your distance and let them handle it. In these instances, having those important third part voices in place will be great backup support.

If your teen is having a tough time, who in your life could become an asset for the situation? It always pays to know, and to keep them in your “hip pocket” just in case!

What do you think about the idea that “parenting is a team sport?” Who are other adults that you would consider to be on your “team?” If you need to shore this up, who are some likely candidates?

 

Posted barlyn.smally Arlyn. Adapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World (Dennis Trittin & Arlyn Lawrence, LifeSmart Publishing).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are YOU Ready for the Launch?

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The year 2008 will forever go down as one of the most significant in my life. I’ll never forget opening the email from Pepperdine University and seeing the first words on the page, “Congratulations!” Our son Michael had made it into his dream school after all—and Jeanne and I called him right in the middle of his high school English class to tell him so!  (I’m pretty sure his elated response to, “Son, it looks like you’re heading to Malibu!” made the classroom walls shake!)

The summer passed quickly without us seeing much of Michael—no surprises there—and soon we were on our way to Southern California for the send-off. I held up well…that is, until the parents were asked to depart and the college gymnasium became a sea of embraces and good byes. When it was my turn, all I could get out was, “Thanks.” And then Michael was off.

I thought, That’s it? So quickly? I’ll never forget walking to the car in silence—Jeanne, daughter Lauren, and me—each of us processing what had just happened. Our once child and now young man was ready for the launch. And, though admittedly I shed a few tears, I couldn’t have been happier for him. Sure, we’d miss him dearly, but we’d prepared him and ourselves for this moment—and now Michael was on his way to living his dream.

“Launch time” is that moment we parents practically and emotionally hand over the reins and transition to a new stage. It hits us all differently, because we—and our children—are unique. How well we handle this stage will have a major bearing on the quality of our parent-child relationship for years to come.

When teens reach the launching stage (roughly the year before and few years after leaving home—usually 17-20), they embark on a new life-phase that is vitally important to their future. Because they’re one part child and one part adult and maturity levels vary, some transition better than others. How well their parents handle it plays a crucial role, too.

We parents lived through this stage ourselves in our own time and situations. That puts us in a special position to share and encourage with empathy, understanding, and excitement for their future. To ready our young adult children for “the launch,” we need to provide them with:

  • Our unconditional love and understanding
  • Our belief and encouragement
  • Preparation and practical wisdom
  • Our perspective of their uniqueness and value
  • Full acceptance that it’s their life and dreams, not ours
  • A healthy and enduring relationship based on trust
  • An open door 24-7
  • Realistic expectations

Our ability to successfully launch our teens to thrive in adulthood doesn’t just “happen” at the moment of send-off. It is the result of all of the hard work and preparation that has come before. Their self-confidence as independent adults will frame how well they transition to this next phase of life.

The fact is, we can’t control our children’s outcomes, but we can prepare them to make wise decisions for their long-term futures. Then we can release them to find their way, while always being there for sharing, caring, and advice as they seek it.

We let go, knowing we’ve given it our best.

It’s as simple and as difficult as that!

 

PDennis_smallerosted by Dennis, adapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World (Dennis Trittin & Arlyn Lawrence, LifeSmart Publishing)

 

 

 

Diversify Your Life

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Sports psychologists tell us that athletes who play one sport experience burnout at much higher rates than athletes who play a variety of sports. The principle is true across the board: no matter how good something is, whether a sport, a career, a relationship, or an investment, it’s diversity in all those areas that makes life richer. 


Are you someone who focuses your life in just a few areas? Or, are your interests varied and your experiences diverse? Here’s a great example of how life diversification can work. Take PGA golfer Brandt Snedecker, who won the 2012 PGA tour championship, and also the Fed Ex Cup, for a whopping $11.4 million purse. It would be easy to assume Brandt’s victory was due to his exponential driving ability and fantastic putting (in this tournament he was number one for both). But that’s only part of the picture.
 

In an interview, Brandt said he has learned a powerful lesson as he has gotten older: Having balance in his life gives him a better golf game. These days, Brandt says, he doesn’t practice as much as he used to (sounds counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?). He works out in the gym much less. He gives more time to family. The results? A renewed sense of well-being, a better mental state, and, he feels, an overall a better golf game.

How about you? Are you someone who focuses your life in just a few areas? Or, are your interests varied and your experiences diverse? Think of the following important areas of life. Rank them from one to 12 in order of their importance to you:

               1.     Relationships—family and friends

               2.     Marriage and parenting

               3.     Career / school

               4.     Spiritual life

               5.     Entertainment

               6.     Learning

               7.     Physical activity

               8.     Travel and leisure

               9.     Arts and nature

               10.  Hobbies

               11.  Community service/volunteerism

               12.  Down time

                                                           

Now, consider how you’re allocating your time to these areas. Is it spread out or concentrated in only a few areas? While each person is different, variety will diversify who you are and enrich your life.

This lesson is as true for young people as it is for adults. Excessive pressure to achieve at academics or sports can cause teens to over-allocate their time and energy in those two areas, leaving little time for family, hobbies, and just plain ol’ “down time.” Whether you’re 16 or 60, this is a sure-fire recipe for burnout and it’s becoming increasingly common in the younger generation.

 

For all of us, making time for family, and for meaningful activities that enrich our life, will reduce our stress and burnout—and may actually help us perform better at the other things we do! Yes, variety is the spice of life!

Have you learned how to create balance in your life? How have you done it?  Or, are you one who is looking for ways to diversify your life?  Please share your comments and questions below; we’d love to have this conversation with you!

 

Don’t Play the Blame Game

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“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible
for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”

~Theodore Roosevelt

 When we experience a personal disappointment, it’s usually because we made an innocent mistake or our effort simply fell short. Is one worse than another? Well, to my way of thinking, a mistake is a little more serious because it’s an error, whereas a shortfall may have occurred despite our best effort. (After all, we can’t always win.)

Since we’re all human, mistakes and shortfalls are part of life. While no one keeps track, they number well into the thousands during our lifetime. That being the case, one has to wonder why it’s so difficult for people to admit their mistakes and accept responsibility.

Is it because the words “I’m sorry” don’t come easily? In such cases, it’s sometimes easier (and feels less shameful) to blame others and make excuses.

Is there a better way to handle our mistakes?

People who are prone to blame are actually reflecting their own insecurities. Implicitly, they assume their relationships can’t withstand an acknowledgement of a mistake or shortfall. However, it’s a false assumption, especially since people appreciate it when someone admits a mistake and asks for forgiveness.

When you make a mistake or your best efforts fall short of the goal, you can do one of two things:

  1. You can TAKE responsibility, apologize if appropriate, and do what you can to make things right.
  2. You can DODGE responsibility, blame someone else (or blame circumstances), and walk away from the situation – leaving others with the problem you created.

Choice #1 one will likely gain you the respect of your family, peers, and colleagues and help you learn from your mistake. Choice #2, on the other hand, will cause damage to your reputation and deprive you of a valuable opportunity for personal growth.

Why not exercise a little humility and take the high road? Learn to swallow your pride and admit it when you’ve fallen short. You’ll be respected and admired by others when you do… and you might be surprised by the grace they extend to you in return!

Do you find it difficult to admit your mistakes and accept that you aren’t perfect?

Are you harder on yourself than others would be if you took responsibility for your shortcomings? Share your thoughts and comments with our online community by commenting below; we’d love to hear your perspective!

 

Introducing Our New Book: Parenting for the Launch

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It’s been two and a half years since the release of What I wish I Knew at 18 and, oh what an amazing time it’s been! Although optimistic from the beginning, we could never have envisioned the success and impact it has had. We have been humbled and awed as the book and its accompanying course have made their way into homes, schools, mentor programs, and around the world.

           

To our surprise, we have heard a resounding plea from parents, educators, businesses, mentor and faith organizations, and at-risk youth programs: Please write a book for parents! Why? And, why such a sense of urgency?

           

Colleges and employers report that an alarming percentage of today’s high school graduates are ill equipped to handle the pressures and responsibilities of the real world. As our world is becoming more competitive, kids are often lacking the personal skills and qualities to succeed. The economic climate and job market are especially challenging these days, especially for our younger generation. Also, the cultural climate offers innumerable distractions and potential de-railers that most of us never experienced (or even imagined!).

 

Many parents describe feeling isolated, ill-equipped and under-prepared, with kids who don’t appear be listening during this crucial time of life. They are anxious about their children leaving home and their relationships are often strained. At a time when parents want to become closer to their teens, they feel like they’re being pushed away in favor of other voices. These questions keep them awake at night:

 

1.     Have we covered the bases?

2.     How will our relationship change?

3.     Are they ready?

4.     Are we ready???

           

We believe (and think most will agree) that young adults today need more than head knowledge. They need a solid, holistic leadership foundation that will support them and enable them to make key decisions in these crucial years and beyond. This includes having a purposeful life perspective, solid character, strong personal disciplines, the ability to develop healthy relationships, career smarts, financial management skills, and the capacity to overcome adversity.

           

We also believe that the first place this training needs to happen, alongside of schools and mentor organizations, is in the home. Parents have a unique role in preparing their children for a successful launch to the real world. It is a role that is both exhilarating and challenging, to say the least.  It can be “the best of times and the worst of times,” as Charles Dickens once penned! And, while there are many excellent parenting books out there, many focus on behavior and discipline without offering the complete picture of life readiness. 

 

 So, we (Dennis Trittin and Arlyn Lawrence) collaborated to write Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World as a comprehensive guide for today’s parents to train tomorrow’s successful adults. We hope it will inspire, equip, and encourage parents with proven principles and innovative strategies to confidently navigate the later teen years, particularly in that strategic period leading up to the “launch.”

           

We are over-the-top excited about this book! (And so are the reviewers of our manuscript!) Parenting for the Launch is designed to help parents grow in their understanding, effectiveness, and confidence in preparing their teens for a successful launch. It is filled with principles, strategies, thought-provoking questions and exercises to guide today’s parent. It also offers the invaluable perspectives and desires of employers and educators who are working with young adults—“real world” perspectives on what our children need to thrive in adulthood.

 

Want a sneak peek? The book contains three powerful sections:

1.     Destination Preparation: how to give teens “wings, not strings,” setting parenting goals, building a leadership foundation in your teen, and preparing him or her with street-smart wisdom for key life decisions

2.     Relationship Preparation: how to customize your parenting based on your teen’s unique personality, how to affirm his or her value through an understanding of his/her “personal assets,” how to successfully communicate and build an enduring relationship, and how to recruit positive third party voices into your teen’s life

3.     Transition Preparation: how to move from the driver’s seat to the passenger seat by gradually releasing control, and how to set up for a successful transition after your teen leaves home

 

Parenting for the Launch is expected to be released in November, 2013. Please grow our circle by “liking” our FB page and following us on Twitter. Help us spread the word by sharing Parenting for the Launch with your friends, family, and associates. Watch our website and your inbox for updates, and if you’re not already on our email newsletter, you can sign up here.

 

You can pre-order Parenting for the Launch by clicking on this link:
http://www.atlasbooks.com/marktplc/03217.htm
 

 

 

HOW You Say It Matters! (Part 1)

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I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “I didn’t mean it like that!” I’d be a very wealthy man! The sad fact is, the messages we send can be received differently than we intend. And, when it happens, it can be a disaster.

           

Miscommunication can happen to all of us, probably more often than we’d care to admit. There are, however, some simple things you can do to minimize it.

Four things affect how others receive our messages…and any one of them can be the cause of major misunderstandings if we’re not careful:

1. Word choice – This factor is huge, especially when we discuss sensitive topics or relationships. In these situations, our emotions can interfere with our thinking, and we often use more provocative language that we later regret. In the “heat of battle,” we can be so focused on proving our point that we forget to show tact, empathy, and understanding to the other party. The end result is that things spiral out of control, and frustration and anger take over.

           

2. Delivery – Sometimes it’s our manner of delivery that gets in the way, even if our word choice is fine. Examples include speaking with a harsh or condescending tone of voice or displaying arrogant facial expressions or body language. No matter what words we use, if the “packaging” is incongruent, our message will lack credibility and rub people the wrong way.

3. Form – Ever wanted to jet off a nasty email when you’re upset or irritated? Don’t be so quick on the draw. The advantage of verbal communication is that the audience hears you speak, allowing your tone to help convey your ideas. In contrast, written communications (e.g., letters, email, texts, social websites) have a major disadvantage because the audience imposes their own interpretation of your tone. Their perception may be light years away from what you intended. If so, you have a big problem on your hands.

           

4. Filter – Depending on whether your audience likes or distrusts you, whether they’re in a good or bad mood, focused or distracted by other thoughts, your message may not get through in the way you intended. Unfortunately, this happens all the time (especially with written communications), and you can’t control it.

Miscommunication can happen to all of us, probably more often than we’d care to admit. There are, however, some simple things you can do to minimize it:

           

·      Carefully choose your words (“think before you speak!” works better than “open mouth, insert foot!”)

·      Be sure your expression and words are in sync

·      Strive to be empathetic by putting yourself in the audience’s position

·      Closely monitor the receiver’s body language to see whether he or she may be interpreting your words differently than you intend. If you notice a frown, for example, clarify your comments to ensure you are on the same page.

·      Be a discerning listener when they respond

·      Be quick to apologize for any misunderstandings

                                                         

Do you pay close attention to how you communicate and how your words are being received? What are some ways you’ve learned to be a more effective communicator? Please share your insights and experiences by commenting below. And share us with a friend!