teens

The 3 Best Time-Tested Dating Tips

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The 3 Best Time-Tested Dating Tips

Whether you’re a parent of a teen, a teacher, a mentor, or a teen yourself, it’s never a bad time for a refresher course when it comes to dating advice. With today’s media inundating us with unrealistic (and often unhealthy!) expectations of young relationships, it’s important to get a reality check that will stand the test of time.

Here’s some three time-tested relationship tips:

1. While infatuation can occur in a moment (what we usually see in TV and movies), it takes a long time to really get to know someone and truly gauge if he or she is “the one.” That means lots of conversations, experiences, and observation to gauge your compatibility and build trust.  The Hollywood “three days and we’re engaged” routine doesn’t really work in the long term. It takes time for real love to grow! Don’t be afraid to give your relationship that time. If you or that special someone are sensing pressure to rush things, get to the heart of the matter through open conversation and reflection.

2. Real love also takes proper timing. During the adolescent years, people are going through a time of immense self-discovery. This is a crucial phase of life, where you are learning what you’re passionate about, what path you want to take in life, and what truly makes you happy. The “timing” of a committed love relationship isn’t always ideal during this tumultuous and very changeable season of life—for both parties. It may not mean that the relationship is a “not ever” one; it may just be a “not now” one.

3. This one may sound radical but it’s another time-tested piece of wisdom that can serve you well: There may be times in your life where it really doesn’t make sense for you to date at all—and that’s okay. Too often young adults get trapped into the notion that they always need to have a love interest.  No so!  Don’t let your self-worth and significance be tied to whether or not you have a date on Friday night. Don’t hesitate to step off the dating treadmill if you need to or want to … you don’t always have to be actively dating or have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. You are enough, and you are awesome, just by yourself. Don’t forget that.

Finally, when you do date, always remember the 3Ds…be Deliberate, Discriminating, and Discerning. This will help keep your feet on the ground when your emotions can be up in the clouds.

 

What are your own personal rules or guidelines when it comes to dating (whether it’s for yourself or your kids)? Do you have any other words of wisdom you would like to share? What did you learn from dating in your teen/young adult years? How did it shape you?

How a Mission Statement Can Put Best Practices into Your Parenting

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Believe it or not, some of the best ideas for our families originate in the workplace! Seriously. For example, any successful organization has a guiding mission statement that describes its purpose and objectives. It includes an aspiring vision for the future, with core values and desired outcomes that drive its strategy and practices.  See the connection? What if we took a page from the business playbook and developed our own mission statement to guide our families and our parenting? Yes!

Convinced? Let’s talk about the different components that can be included in yours:

  • The mission—our overarching purpose and objective. It captures what we do, for whom, and for what benefit.
  • The vision—our inspirational and aspirational goals for the future (where we want to go and why)
  • The core values and expected outcomes—our unwavering, guiding principles that govern our behavior, decisions, and attitudes. They can also include expected outcomes from successfully implementing our mission and vision.

Mission statements can be developed at the family level, parent unit, or individually. When applied to the family, it is critical that each member has a voice in the final product. Your kids will enjoy and appreciate being involved in the process and will feel a sense of ownership to abide by the “terms.” What are your fundamental goals as a family? What core values represent your family’s “brand?” What are your respective roles and how will everyone be held accountable? How will we respectfully resolve conflict? It’s empowering for everyone, and it’s a perfect example of  “one team, one dream!”

Interested in seeing a real life example? In Chapter Two of Parenting for the Launch, I share an example from our own parenting. Click here to see our sample mission statement. Feel free to use it as a guide or outline for creating your own!

By recording our goals and guiding principles, we’re that much more effective in our parenting and families. Also, it promotes harmony, shared accountability, and better outcomes. And, it’s a great family project. Give it a try and let us know how it worked for you.

Give Everything Your Best

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Parents, educators, and mentors, how are the attitudes of the young people under your guidance? In our visits with businesses and educators, we hear repeated concerns over work ethic, disrespect, and a sense of entitlement. Too often, these attitudes are overshadowing the skills our young people are bringing to the table. Here’s a piece to help you help them…

 

One of history’s most admired people, Helen Keller, once said, “I long to accomplish great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble.”

So, how high do you set your bar? If you were given a daily report card on your actions and accomplishments throughout the day, what would your grades be? Would you be proud of yourself and your performance—and more importantly—your attitude?

Each day, there are opportunities to use our time, talents, and unique skills to learn, grow, and serve—not just in our actions, but also with our attitude. It shows in the quality of our work and relations with colleagues and clients. It’s found in our families in our roles as spouse, parent, and relative. It’s in the times we spend with friends and those we serve. And, in our everyday interactions with others, whether we know them or not.  The bottom line is this: Did you give your all to every aspect of your day?

Setting a high bar is especially important when associating with others—whether in our families, school, workplace, or in social settings. When we operate solo, our dignity and self respect are on the line. However, when we’re part of a collaborative setting, we have an added responsibility to contribute to the total effort. We owe them our best.

Here are my top ten indicators of an attitude of excellence: 1) high personal and professional standards of performance and behavior, 2) positivity, 3) enthusiasm, 4) dependability, 5) integrity, 6) humility, 7) motivation and work ethic, 8) kindness, 9) respect, and 10) resilience. What’s on your list?

If you are a teacher, parent, or mentor, how do you encourage the young people in your life to give their best? How would you rate in modeling the top ten? Here are some quick and easy ideas for encouraging students to give 110 percent with passion and resolve:

  • Create a personal report card for them. After completing a task (a team project, a sports game, a large chore around the house, a book report), ask them to fill it out and rate themselves not only on their performance, but their attitude. (Here’s a helpful article on receiving constructive criticism.)
  • Praise them for their efforts in all things, and stress the importance of positivity and determination, not just winning.
  • Ask them about a time they gave their best but didn’t take the prize versus when they didn’t give their best but still won. How did they feel after the outcome? .
  • Share your stories of times when you gave your best and how it paid off.
  • Have them do an honest self assessment of the top ten attitude indicators. In which are they a role model? Where is there room for growth?

Developing an attitude of excellence is a sign of a true winner. We won’t always take home the prize, but we can gain the admiration of others by giving everything our best.

Building Positive Relationship Capital with Teens

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When my wife and I first became parents, we naïvely assumed our kids would be just like us. I always imagined that we’d have a little “mini me” (or at least a “mini we!”) running around the house. That theory went out the window as our firstborn began “revealing himself.” We had given birth to a highly energetic, creative kid with an extremely high people orientation. Coming from two very analytical, task-oriented MBA types, he was definitely unique among our gene pools! So much for “me plus she equals he!”

While it may have taken some time (which, for him may have seemed like an eternity!), we learned to understand and value his uniqueness.

Your kids may be just like you. Or, they may be completely the opposite. Both scenarios present challenges, and it’s easy to misunderstand one another and hit bumps in your relationship. That’s why it’s so important, especially in the teen years when so much is at stake, to build lots of relationship capital with our children.

Imagine a large bucket. Now, picture a stream flowing into it containing essential relationship ingredients like love, trust, respect, understanding, encouragement, fun, humor, shared experiences, and real conversations. The stronger the flow of this stream, the stronger the relationship will be with your teen. When your relationship bucket is full, you’ll gain entrance into your children’s lives, enjoy better two-way communication, understand each other better, and negotiate conflict more peacefully.

Right now you may be feeling like your relationship bucket with your teen is running on empty. If so, please don’t despair! The reality is that the “water level” in any relationship rises and falls over time.

In your relationships, which ingredients are flowing strongly and which could use some enrichment? Are there any “leaks” to repair that are causing you or your teen to shut down? If so, here are some ways to refill your relationship bucket:

-Offer to treat them to their favorite coffee shop or frozen yogurt spot. No agenda! Keep it light and let them lead the conversations. Think “share with” rather than “talk to.”

-Offer to do something with them you know they’ll enjoy, even if it’s not your favorite.

-Jot them a note mentioning something you admire or appreciate about them.

-Show interest in their world (music, entertainment, activities) and stay positive.

-Ask for their advice or opinion on something.

-Have real conversation at the dinner table. No TV, no phones.

-Avoid conversation topics that cause sparks. Stay low risk until the capital levels have been rebuilt.

By applying this relationship bucket concept, you’ll have a steadier inflow and plug those harmful leaks. In time, you will regain entrance into their world more and more. You’ll also be better positioned for an enduring relationship in the adult years.

How are your bucket levels these days?

3 Life Choices to Prevent Poverty

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January is Financial Wellness Month. In honor of this special emphasis, I wanted to share some thoughts this week on avoiding poverty. Poverty can be a touchy subject, but I think it’s important to talk about the ways we can avoid it, just like any other pitfall we may encounter in life. Please pass this message on to the young people in your life. It’s one of the most important nuggets of life wisdom they’ll ever receive.

I believe every child is a masterpiece in the making. Sure, there will be some blemishes, but each of them is unique, priceless, and filled with potential. With a strong support system, excellent guidance and education, and an appreciation of their worth, value, and opportunities, they’re well positioned to fulfill their dreams. The fact is, life success also requires living strategically and avoiding choices that can derail futures. Foremost in this is avoiding poverty.

William Galston, Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institution, columnist, and former Clinton Advisor, did a hefty amount of research on the subject of poverty. Thanks to him, we are better aware of some of the chief causes of poverty. His important conclusions, based on his research findings, are surprisingly simple. Dr. Galston asserts you need to do three main things if you live in the United States to avoid poverty:

Finish high school, marry before having a child, and marry after the age of 20!

Here’s the real kicker: only 8 percent of families who do all three are poor; however, 79 percent of those who fail to do all three are poor.

These statistics are compelling and make perfect sense. Students who fail to finish high school will not have access to many well-paying careers and will not be perceived as well by employers. Those who have children before marriage (many teens and young adults) will find it that much more difficult to enter college or complete their degree due to the immense responsibility and financial demands of raising a child. Finally, those who marry before age 20 tend to have higher divorce rates and greater career and life challenges. The common thread of all three poverty causes is reduced access to attractive careers due to lack of education or life circumstances.

Words cannot express how much better our lives, the lives of our children, and our culture would be if more people simply heeded Professor Galston’s advice. These three choices won’t guarantee success, but they will help avoid some of life’s biggest derailers.

 

Are you surprised by the wisdom and logic of these research conclusions to avoid poverty? What are your thoughts on them? Are you as parents, teachers, and mentors sending this message to the children you guide?

Wings vs. Strings: Empowering Your Teen to Thrive

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Take a guess what’s the most common question I receive from teenagers. The quickest way to success? How to land that job? How to handle stress? Nope. It’s how can I convince my parents to let me live my dream? Kaboom!

As parents, we all want to empower our children to be the best they can be: to build healthy relationships, to be successful in college and career, and to thrive as independents. (And even if we aren’t parents, we probably feel this way about the young people in our lives, right?) Part of empowering our children is to give them wings rather than strings.

Wings are the things we do to prepare our children to be secure and confident people ready to make their mark. Wings allow them to soar. Strings, on the other hand, tie our children down and prevent them from achieving their full potential. It happens when we over manage them. Or, if we coddle, enable, or ignore them.

How do we release eagles to soar rather than kites we control?

One of the most important things for any parent to remember is that your child’s success is not entirely reliant upon you!. Lots of other factors are at play. However, the foundation you lay will have a lasting effect on your child and will impact his or her life choices and worldview. And, your parenting style will impact their outcomes.

With that, let’s visit some real-world examples of how parents unintentionally give their children strings:

  • helicoptering (hovering, reminding constantly, orchestrating their every plan, interfering, nagging)
  • performance-driven (excessive pressuring of kids for their achievements and accomplishments; valuing performance above the person)
  • vicariousness (living life through the child; glorying in his or her successes and agonizing in his/her defeats as if they are the parent’s own)
  • enabling (failing to enforce discipline or accountability, not letting him/her fail and face consequences)
  • overprotection (being overly fearful of outside influences and perceived dangers; not allowing kids to experience enough of the real world to make informed choices; not permitting them to make their own decisions)

In contrast, we empower our kids when we train them with strong internal guiding principles and give them freedom, opportunity, and accountability according to their desires and maturity. Here are some examples of giving our children wings:

  • healthy separation (understanding that teens are their own persons separate from their parents)
  • trust and grace (giving them incremental freedom as it is earned through demonstrating responsibility and integrity; extending forgiveness and taking steps to re-establish trust when it is broken)
  • equipping (strategically training them to handle real world responsibilities and situations)
  • empowering (letting them experience new/different kinds of people and challenging situations with trust and guidance; appreciating their unique design and interests and encouraging them accordingly; having them make their own decisions and supporting them through the consequences)

Ultimately, raising young adults is not about us and our identity, interests, or agenda. It’s about doing what’s best for our kids—guiding them to fulfill their dreams and purpose. Empowering them to live confidently and independently, with integrity and impact. When we give our children wings, we give them one of the greatest gifts of all—our unwavering belief in them. It’s huge!

Parents (as well as teachers and your mentors): what are your own methods for preparing your teen for the real world? What’s your parenting style? Do you struggle with overmanaging, or the opposite, enabling? Share your triumphs and struggles, we would love to hear from you! – See more at: http://dennistrittin.com/view_blog.aspx?blog_id=223#nogo2

Making the Right Call in Risky Situations!

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Are there young adults in your life who have recently left home and entered college or the career field? Or, high schoolers about to graduate into independent life? Here’s a special message for them you’ll want to share!

 

Once you leave your parents’ home to travel, study, or work, you’ll experience a newfound freedom and sense of independence. And, you’ll no doubt encounter potentially risky situations that require quick decisions in the moment. Unfortunately there will be no time to call mom and dad, phone a friend, or ask the audience. How will you handle it?

These scenarios often involve alcohol, drugs, sex, and cheating, and especially arise when you feel pressure to fit in with others. They can compromise your value system and derail your plans, dreams, and even your physical, emotional, and spiritual health if you’re not careful. During these situations, it’s wise to pause and ask how your conscience will feel tomorrow if you answer “yes” or “no.”  Will you feel guilt or shame, or be proud of your actions? Let that answer guide your decision.

It’s also helpful to quickly ask yourself these following questions:

-What are the potential consequences to your well being and reputation?

– What answer aligns with your value system?

– How will your decision impact the people you love and care about?

Succumbing to high-risk behavior and situations leads down a path from which it’s very difficult to recover. Your best bet is to avoid these situations altogether before they occur and test you (if not, at least decide in advance how you will react if and when your values are challenged). I’ve heard far too many stories of young people who didn’t heed this advice and whose college careers ended prematurely due to unwise decisions. Often, they lose years of momentum and wander aimlessly in the aftermath. But, you have a purpose and a destiny that is worth guarding and respecting at all times. By following your conscience and your value system, you’ll be well positioned to handle life’s risky situations.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? Did you have the courage to go with your values over the pressure you received from others? If not, how can you better prepare yourself the next time?  After all, life is about learning and recovering from our mistakes, isn’t it?

How YOU Can Change the World

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Note: This post was writting by Noel Meador, Executive Director for Stronger Families in the greater Seattle area (www.strongerfamilies.org). 

“Before you criticize the younger generation,
remember who raised them.”
-Unknown Author

We live in a culture that sees more screen time than family dinner times, that talks more through text and Facebook than eye to eye, and that praises performance and “beauty” over the heart and soul of a person. We have some big problems on our hands.

But take heart: tonight you will have the opportunity to change the world.

You can invest in the stock market, have the best house and car, and know great success, but when you die, it will all die with you. All that hard work and dedication, good stewardship, understanding of investment will be gone.

Sure, you can pass on your monetary inheritance but, if it is to a generation that hasn’t been taught responsibility, it will be squandered.

If it is to a generation that hasn’t been taught the value of family and investment in others–a heritage will fade.

If it is to a generation that is self-focused and distracted–your generosity and kindness will end.

So, how can we ensure our heritage will live on?

If we want to invest in something that will live beyond our time and have the ability to change the world, let’s sit down at our table tonight and look at the faces of our children. Take time to talk, listen and teach.

They are it! They are the change we hope to see in the world! The future of this country and our families. I hope and pray I’m investing wisely.


Noel Meador is the Executive Director for Stronger Families in Bothell, Washington and the author and creator of the Oxygen for Your Relationships seminar. Noel has a passion to see families and relationships revitalized and strengthened. He resides in Woodinville, Washington with his wife Karissa and their two sons.

Building a Rock-Solid Foundation for Our Teens: One Community’s Response

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How do we set our teens on a pathway to their destiny—to help them fulfill their dreams and purpose?

It’s a fundamental question for their future—and our future—and the answer is multi-faceted. But, for now, I’d like to focus on one of the most vitally important prerequisites—a healthy and solid support system.

Research experts such as Dr. Chap Clark conclude that every adolescent needs at least five loving, trusted adults in his/her life to develop the emotional health, stability, and self confidence to succeed in adulthood. While other factors such as education, skills, and opportunities also matter, relationships with adult role models are key.

The reasons are many. Adults who have strong relationships with teens can offer love, friendship, support, affirmation, life wisdom, advice, and essential network connections. They’re tremendous assets to our children and invaluable third party voices for parents. Speaking personally, it’s been a major parenting priority for us, and our children have benefitted immeasurably from their relationships with many adult friends.

It’s great to see that some visionaries and communities are taking a proactive stance to connect our youth to caring, adult mentors. One such community is nearby University Place, Washington where community leaders of Project 5:1 recently brought speakers and resources to area parents, educators, mentors, service organizations, and the faith community at a weekend conference. Illustrating the broad-based support for this initiative, the conference was sponsored by numerous businesses; service, parent, mentor, and school organizations; non-profits; and churches. Feedback was overwhelmingly positive.

Local media supported the event as well, an indication of the compelling need for supporting our youth. As shown in the following news segment at King 5 TV in Seattle, I was honored to serve as a workshop leader on my topic, “Relationship Building Strategies to Help Teens Soar.” http://www.king5.com/story/news/local/2014/11/15/project-51-event-helps-parents-connect-with-teens/19110123/

In my talk, I shared four relationship keys with teens: 1) valuing their uniqueness, 2) affirming their worth, value, and potential, 3) communicating to build relationship capital, and 4) recruiting positive third party voices (the 5:1 concept being a perfect example). It was encouraging to see how many people are committed to building strong relationships with teens!

If you would like more information about the event, the movement, or my talk, please contact me via www.dennistrittin.com or check out www.projectfiveone.com.

In this season of gift giving, it’s hard to think of a more meaningful gift than an investment in the lives our children.