parenting

An Unforgettable Gift for Your Teen That Doesn’t Cost a Dime

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One of life’s pleasures is giving our children a truly meaningful and unexpected gift. But, let’s be honest—with the convenience of gift cards, it’s so much easier to stick with their wish list. I know it’s my surefire way of guaranteeing they’ll like my choice! Well, today, I’m going to share a gift idea they would never conceive of, but which will go down as one of their most valuable ever. And it won’t cost you a thing.

I call it a “blessing packet.”

Imagine your teen receiving an unexpected, gift-wrapped package. It’s light in weight and makes a shuffling sound when shaken. When unwrapped, the first thing they’ll see is a small envelope containing instructions. They’re told to open the larger envelope when they have uninterrupted quality time to digest its contents.  At that seminal moment, they’ll discover a priceless collection of smaller envelopes inside.

Within each envelope is a personal letter honoring him or her with words of affirmation, encouragement, and confidence in their future. Loving perspectives of their uniqueness and value and what they’ve meant to each author. Special verses or inspirational messages. Pictures and mementos of precious times together. Expressions of how much they are loved and believed in.

It’s simple, yet profound! (Some schools even arrange retreats where each student receives this gift, generally coordinated with the parents.) Here’s all you need to do…

First, consider the people who have occupied a special place in the life of your teen…usually family members, friends, teachers, coaches, and mentors. Then, ask them to craft a personal, inspirational letter in a privately sealed envelope you’ll collect and deliver to the unsuspecting receiver. That’s it!
Not only is this a wonderful gift to receive, but it’s also a special occasion for the givers. It offers them a unique opportunity to say what’s on their heart to a special person in their life. Having written a few of them for my teens and their friends, I can attest that this can be quite an experience!

A keepsake gift like this will strengthen your teen’s self worth, identity, and sense of significance and calling. It’ll remind them of their passions, talents, and special qualities as seen by their many fans around them. It’ll offer encouragement to persevere through life’s challenges.

As the school year comes to a close and graduation/college draw near, a blessing packet might be the perfect gift to give to your teen!

Have you ever given anything like a blessing packet? How did your teen respond? What other gifts have you given your teen that are not material items, but sentimental gifts that will last forever? Do you have other suggestions for ways to bless your teen?

 

8 Benefits of Understanding Your Teen’s Unique Personality

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Parents, how well are your messages getting through to your children? Are they hitting the bull’s eye or missing the entire dart board? Here are some strategies to help you connect with your kids like never before.

The fact is even our most well-intentioned communications will fall on deaf ears unless we have a strong relationship based on mutual understanding. Since every child is unique (ours are polar opposites!), we need to relate to them personally and individually. This involves customizing our communications to their unique personality and behavioral style. Unfortunately, there’s no surefire “one size fits all” approach.

A good relationship between any two people, parent-child or otherwise, rests on a platform of mutual respect and valuing each other’s unique qualities. Just because we’re shooting for the same objectives with our teens (e.g., solid leadership foundation, strong character, self confidence), doesn’t necessarily mean we should use the same communication style for each of them. Teens vary remarkably in their needs, reactions, communications, and behavioral styles. This impacts how they relate to us and to the world around them.

The point is, we must be students of our children’s temperaments and personalities in order to accomplish our objectives. One helpful tool for you to consider is the DISC personality test which is available free at www.123test.com. It offers great insights on behavioral style for the entire family. Your children will understand you better, too!

By understanding how your children are wired AND how their personalities interact with yours, you can accomplish these important relationship goals:

  1. identify what motivates (and discourages) them
  2. appreciate their strengths and be empathetic toward their challenges
  3. communicate in such a way that they receive your messages in the manner intended
  4. respond to them in such a way that they feel safe, heard, and understood
  5. refrain from overly imposing your own nature, preferences, and ambitions on them
  6. have realistic expectations of them
  7. respect your differences
  8. develop parenting strategies that work best for you, and ultimately, for them

Take some time to reflect on your interactions with your children—when do they go especially well and when do you butt heads? Is your teen more laid back or high energy? People or task oriented? Disciplined or carefree? Emotional or logical? Now, think about your own unique personality. How is it different from your children’s, and in what ways is it similar? Consider your differences and similarities and allow it to inform your communication style. You’ll hit the bull’s eye that much more.

How is your communication with your teen? Do you have a strong understanding of their unique personality? Do you parent your children differently? Feel free to share your own experiences, tips, and lessons learned with us!

4 Tips to Help Teens Listen to Their Conscience and Stick to Their Values

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Parents and teachers, your teens and students are facing tough decisions every single day, and their choices are only going to get more difficult. Where should they go to college? What should they major in? Should they really go to that party? Should they take things to the next level with their boyfriend or girlfriend? This week’s post focuses on choices, and how to ensure your teen is equipped to stick to his or her values and make the right call. We encourage you to share it with the young people in your life or use it as a tool in your classroom or household.

Life is a series of choices, some planned and some not. Some involve fun, while others involve pain and heartache. Some are made from the mind after lots of thought and reasoning, while others are made impulsively from the heart or what “feels right.” Some turn out well and impact our lives for better, and some we regret.

Are your kids ready to make the right choices, both now and in the future?

I had the privilege of working for an inspiring leader, George Russell, who could distill the complex down to profound, but simple truisms. One of them was, “If you’re not sure whether to do something, imagine it as the headline in tomorrow’s newspaper.” Wow! How’s that for clarity and common sense? This works like a charm in our professional and academic lives, but also our personal lives, too—heeding that “inner voice” that has our best interests at heart. I know every time I ignored what my conscience was telling me, I lived to regret it. And, I know I’m not alone!

In a cultural climate where “values” are often measured on a slippery scale of personal taste, convenience, self-gratification, and “tolerance,” kids can get into real trouble when they dismiss the caution signals. That’s why helping young people identify their values and strengthen their conscience is so important. It’s more than important…it’s crucial!

Yes, this is what some refer to as “conscience training.” In times of growing independence, freedom, and opportunities, young people are increasingly faced with risky situations that require quick decisions. In some cases (many that involve alcohol, drugs, sex, social media, and cheating), one bad decision in the heat of the moment may do irrevocable harm to their reputation, college career, personal health and safety, or relationships, and derail their future plans and dreams.

That’s why having—and always listening to—that inner voice is so important in high-risk situations. Here are some ways to help set your teen up for success when it’s their turn:

  • Have them talk about their non-negotiable values. Moreover, encourage them to write them down and stick them in a school binder or on their desk. Make sure they don’t forget the principles that are important to them. These values are a big part of their brand.
  • Realizing that most unhealthy choices involve succumbing to peer pressure, be sure they understand their value and surround themselves with positive people and influences who have their best interests at heart.
  • Discuss potential situations that may put their reputation and integrity at risk. Remind them their best bet is to avoid high-risk situations altogether. And, if they can’t avoid them, they should at least decide in advance how they will react if their values are tested.I’ve heard far too many stories of people who didn’t heed this advice and whose futures were severely impacted because of it. They often lose years of momentum and wander confused and broken in the aftermath. Many times this could have been avoided had they asked themselves these simple questions:

“How will my conscience feel in the morning? What is it telling me to do right now?”

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to make a choice that challenged your value system? Did you have the courage to go with your values over the pressure you received from others? Share your experiences with your teen. Remember that life is about learning and recovering from our mistakes, and that stories are often the best teachers.

Note: We encourage you to visit our Resources page and download your FREE copy of our Personal Balance Sheet Assignment to share with the young adults in your life. Making sure they understand their own value is a crucial part of making good choices!

Are You and Your Students “Launch Ready?”

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With spring break just around the corner, the end of the school year is within sight. As parents, teachers, and mentors of high schoolers, this should be a thoughtful time of year for all of us. Are the kids in our lives prepared for the real world after graduation? If not, what’s high on our “to do” lists? If our students are currently juniors or sophomores, are they already preparing for the next step? What kind of life are they envisioning after high school?

Let’s be honest. When we contemplated having children, what did most of us think about? Likely our minds were filled with images of babies, toddlers, and elementary school-aged kids. Visions of their first day home, their first steps, their first words, their first ride without training wheels, their first day of school, Little League games, and dance recitals gave us a sense of joyful anticipation of what the future held.

I’d be willing to bet that very few of us pictured a teenager being launched from our loving arms into the real world. It’s seems so far down the road that it really doesn’t enter our minds at the outset. After all, we have SO much time before we get to that point, right? Then reality hits—and they’re off—just like the blink of an eye.

If we did think about the teen years, we probably thought about Friday night football games. We might have pictured ourselves helping them with homework and projects, or we may have imagined helping them learn to drive their first car, or seeing them off to senior prom.

Sure, those are important hallmarks of adolescence in American culture. But, if those cultural images were as far as our imaginations were able to take us, something was missing.

In our work with educators, youth mentors, and business and community leaders, we are hearing an overwhelming and urgent cry. They tell us the current generation of young adults, generally speaking, is emerging into the world grossly underprepared to succeed. Consider these facts:

  • One in four high school students fails to graduate, according to the Washington Post.
  • In a ranking of 18 industrialized nations, the United States ranked ninth in college enrollment and dead last in college completion.
  • The average current teen jobless rate, as of this writing, is 23.7%.
  • Over and over we hear that many employers prefer to hire older job applicants, because they are more reliable, better mannered, more motivated, and have a stronger work ethic.

How did we get to this current state of affairs? And what can we parents be doing to equip and empower our teens for success in the real world and reverse this course? As parents, it is imperative to provide our children with the wings they need to thrive in the real world. That means strategically equipping them for independent adulthood, starting now! So, gather the tools you need for your toolkit to prepare YOU (and your children!) for the ride ahead.

We wrote Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World for such a time as this. We hope you check it out at here. And, here’s a checklist to help prepare for this milestone.

Do you have a young person that you are preparing for “launch time?” How are you ensuring they’re properly equipped? Do you feel “ready?” If you haven’t yet, check out our book, Parenting for the Launch, for an arsenal of easily applicable advice for you and your teen as you position yourselves for this upcoming milestone.

The 3 Best Time-Tested Dating Tips

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The 3 Best Time-Tested Dating Tips

Whether you’re a parent of a teen, a teacher, a mentor, or a teen yourself, it’s never a bad time for a refresher course when it comes to dating advice. With today’s media inundating us with unrealistic (and often unhealthy!) expectations of young relationships, it’s important to get a reality check that will stand the test of time.

Here’s some three time-tested relationship tips:

1. While infatuation can occur in a moment (what we usually see in TV and movies), it takes a long time to really get to know someone and truly gauge if he or she is “the one.” That means lots of conversations, experiences, and observation to gauge your compatibility and build trust.  The Hollywood “three days and we’re engaged” routine doesn’t really work in the long term. It takes time for real love to grow! Don’t be afraid to give your relationship that time. If you or that special someone are sensing pressure to rush things, get to the heart of the matter through open conversation and reflection.

2. Real love also takes proper timing. During the adolescent years, people are going through a time of immense self-discovery. This is a crucial phase of life, where you are learning what you’re passionate about, what path you want to take in life, and what truly makes you happy. The “timing” of a committed love relationship isn’t always ideal during this tumultuous and very changeable season of life—for both parties. It may not mean that the relationship is a “not ever” one; it may just be a “not now” one.

3. This one may sound radical but it’s another time-tested piece of wisdom that can serve you well: There may be times in your life where it really doesn’t make sense for you to date at all—and that’s okay. Too often young adults get trapped into the notion that they always need to have a love interest.  No so!  Don’t let your self-worth and significance be tied to whether or not you have a date on Friday night. Don’t hesitate to step off the dating treadmill if you need to or want to … you don’t always have to be actively dating or have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend. You are enough, and you are awesome, just by yourself. Don’t forget that.

Finally, when you do date, always remember the 3Ds…be Deliberate, Discriminating, and Discerning. This will help keep your feet on the ground when your emotions can be up in the clouds.

 

What are your own personal rules or guidelines when it comes to dating (whether it’s for yourself or your kids)? Do you have any other words of wisdom you would like to share? What did you learn from dating in your teen/young adult years? How did it shape you?

Live With an Outward Focus

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Parents, teachers, and mentors alike, this is a great message to share with the young people in your life. I encourage you to start a conversation with them and talk about how they can focus on others.

Follow your passion. March to the beat of your own drum. Pursue your dreams. Find yourself.

Sound familiar?  It should. The message is everywhere these days.  And it sounds great, doesn’t it, to encourage young people to discover themselves and follow their dreams? We do it all the time (me included).

But isn’t it also paradoxical that, at the very time young people are heading off into the world to become part of a college community, part of a business or organization, part of a marriage someday … they are hearing it’s all about them? No wonder colleges and employers are complaining about the entitlement mentality in today’s incoming students and employees!

Are our teens getting the wrong message from our “it’s all about me” culture?

Maybe it’s time we pay attention to combining that message with a healthy dose of other-centeredness.

In reality, the most successful individuals are those who have realized that a successful life is not all about them.  In fact, most people who have achieved a full measure of success (i.e., in their personal life as well as their professional life) will tell you the best things are found not in what they have gained for themselves, but in what they have given to others.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all learn this sooner rather than later?

The first half of one’s adult life can be aptly called the “accumulation stage” and the second half is the “distribution stage.” During the accumulation stage, you are in “gathering mode,” filling your  bushel basket with life’s needs and wants. In some ways, it might feel like it’s all about YOU. You build a career, buy and furnish a house, start a family, save for retirement, and buy lots of things along the way.

Then, one day, usually around 50 when the kids have left the nest and you have all the toys you need, you become more motivated to give back. You discover that the joy of giving is greater than the joy of receiving, and your perspective changes dramatically. You realize it never was about YOU. I’m a typical case—it happened to me around 49! My life is so much more focused now on others than it was when I was a young person, and I doubt I’m an exception.

When I left my dream 28-year career in investment management to teach finance and life skills to young people, I had no idea it would lead to a total career change to that of author, publisher, mentor, and speaker. But, oh, the fulfillment of being able to direct my life toward others on a regular basis.

Had I known this earlier, I would have sought more balance in my accumulation stage and started my distribution stage sooner. The joy and satisfaction that comes from giving our time, talent, and treasure so outweighs the fun of accumulating that I regret not starting this process earlier.

Where are you directing your life right now—toward self or toward others?  Give it some thought. By shifting your focus toward others, you’ll receive far more in return than you give. Your life will have more balance, your spirit will soar, you’ll make new friends, and you’ll maximize the impact of your life. Oh, and you’ll also make the world a better place in the meantime! What’s not to love about that?

How differently do you feel when you give versus when you receive? Which will have more lasting impact? How have you impressed this principle on the young people in your life? Share your ideas and stories with us by commenting below; we’d love to hear from you!

How a Mission Statement Can Put Best Practices into Your Parenting

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Believe it or not, some of the best ideas for our families originate in the workplace! Seriously. For example, any successful organization has a guiding mission statement that describes its purpose and objectives. It includes an aspiring vision for the future, with core values and desired outcomes that drive its strategy and practices.  See the connection? What if we took a page from the business playbook and developed our own mission statement to guide our families and our parenting? Yes!

Convinced? Let’s talk about the different components that can be included in yours:

  • The mission—our overarching purpose and objective. It captures what we do, for whom, and for what benefit.
  • The vision—our inspirational and aspirational goals for the future (where we want to go and why)
  • The core values and expected outcomes—our unwavering, guiding principles that govern our behavior, decisions, and attitudes. They can also include expected outcomes from successfully implementing our mission and vision.

Mission statements can be developed at the family level, parent unit, or individually. When applied to the family, it is critical that each member has a voice in the final product. Your kids will enjoy and appreciate being involved in the process and will feel a sense of ownership to abide by the “terms.” What are your fundamental goals as a family? What core values represent your family’s “brand?” What are your respective roles and how will everyone be held accountable? How will we respectfully resolve conflict? It’s empowering for everyone, and it’s a perfect example of  “one team, one dream!”

Interested in seeing a real life example? In Chapter Two of Parenting for the Launch, I share an example from our own parenting. Click here to see our sample mission statement. Feel free to use it as a guide or outline for creating your own!

By recording our goals and guiding principles, we’re that much more effective in our parenting and families. Also, it promotes harmony, shared accountability, and better outcomes. And, it’s a great family project. Give it a try and let us know how it worked for you.

Building Positive Relationship Capital with Teens

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When my wife and I first became parents, we naïvely assumed our kids would be just like us. I always imagined that we’d have a little “mini me” (or at least a “mini we!”) running around the house. That theory went out the window as our firstborn began “revealing himself.” We had given birth to a highly energetic, creative kid with an extremely high people orientation. Coming from two very analytical, task-oriented MBA types, he was definitely unique among our gene pools! So much for “me plus she equals he!”

While it may have taken some time (which, for him may have seemed like an eternity!), we learned to understand and value his uniqueness.

Your kids may be just like you. Or, they may be completely the opposite. Both scenarios present challenges, and it’s easy to misunderstand one another and hit bumps in your relationship. That’s why it’s so important, especially in the teen years when so much is at stake, to build lots of relationship capital with our children.

Imagine a large bucket. Now, picture a stream flowing into it containing essential relationship ingredients like love, trust, respect, understanding, encouragement, fun, humor, shared experiences, and real conversations. The stronger the flow of this stream, the stronger the relationship will be with your teen. When your relationship bucket is full, you’ll gain entrance into your children’s lives, enjoy better two-way communication, understand each other better, and negotiate conflict more peacefully.

Right now you may be feeling like your relationship bucket with your teen is running on empty. If so, please don’t despair! The reality is that the “water level” in any relationship rises and falls over time.

In your relationships, which ingredients are flowing strongly and which could use some enrichment? Are there any “leaks” to repair that are causing you or your teen to shut down? If so, here are some ways to refill your relationship bucket:

-Offer to treat them to their favorite coffee shop or frozen yogurt spot. No agenda! Keep it light and let them lead the conversations. Think “share with” rather than “talk to.”

-Offer to do something with them you know they’ll enjoy, even if it’s not your favorite.

-Jot them a note mentioning something you admire or appreciate about them.

-Show interest in their world (music, entertainment, activities) and stay positive.

-Ask for their advice or opinion on something.

-Have real conversation at the dinner table. No TV, no phones.

-Avoid conversation topics that cause sparks. Stay low risk until the capital levels have been rebuilt.

By applying this relationship bucket concept, you’ll have a steadier inflow and plug those harmful leaks. In time, you will regain entrance into their world more and more. You’ll also be better positioned for an enduring relationship in the adult years.

How are your bucket levels these days?

The Gifts of Unconditional Love and Belief

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Parents! Teachers! Mentors! If you have young people in your life—young people you believe in—this is crucial information for you!

Have you ever had someone believe in you more than you believed in yourself?  How did that make you feel?  It probably made you feel like you could take on the world, or tackle whatever situation you faced at the time. That’s the power of unbridled belief from others.

The famous artist Pablo Picasso claimed, “My mother always told me, ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general; if you become a monk, you’ll end up as the pope.’ Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.” Many other successful people also point to their parents’ belief in them as the driving force behind their success. They believe that if their parents hadn’t been confident in them from the get-go, they wouldn’t be in the same place today.

I am precisely one of those people, and I will be forever grateful for my parents’ unconditional love and belief in me (even if I may not have always deserved it!). It helped more times than I can count.

Do your children (or other young people in your life) know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love them unconditionally and believe in them unequivocally? Do they know that you see them as talented, worthy, and brimming with potential? Make certain they do. It is a tremendous asset for teens to be surrounded by adults who believe in them—who can affirm their uniqueness and value. That belief is an inner voice, encouraging them to dream big and persevere through life’s challenges.

Your child, mentee, or student will make his or her share of mistakes along the way (I know I sure did!).  But having the benefit of unconditional acceptance and belief from you will soften those blows and provide a safety net they can always count on.

Not so sure how to let them know you’re their biggest fan? Here are some ideas:

-Be upfront. Whether it’s at a meal, during a tutoring session, or after a class, be willing to open up. Tell them that you believe in them (and why) and that you’re bullish about their future. Call out some of their greatest assets and character traits.

-Write them a letter or note. Stick a note in their lunchbox, or if you’re a teacher, consider putting a sticky note on one of their assignments. Knowing you went to the effort to do that will speak volumes to them!

-Be generous with your time. What says “I believe in you” more than carving out time in your busy schedule?

-Speak from experience. Share your own downfalls, your mistakes, and your past life experiences. A little perspective from a “pro” can boost their confidence and build trust!

We can be the cheering squad that calls out the strengths and affirms the dreams and potential of the young people in our lives. It’ll let them know that if they were a stock, you’d be a buyer! And, the best part of all? Your belief will breed their belief.

Who could benefit from your gift of affirmation and belief today?

Wings vs. Strings: Empowering Your Teen to Thrive

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Take a guess what’s the most common question I receive from teenagers. The quickest way to success? How to land that job? How to handle stress? Nope. It’s how can I convince my parents to let me live my dream? Kaboom!

As parents, we all want to empower our children to be the best they can be: to build healthy relationships, to be successful in college and career, and to thrive as independents. (And even if we aren’t parents, we probably feel this way about the young people in our lives, right?) Part of empowering our children is to give them wings rather than strings.

Wings are the things we do to prepare our children to be secure and confident people ready to make their mark. Wings allow them to soar. Strings, on the other hand, tie our children down and prevent them from achieving their full potential. It happens when we over manage them. Or, if we coddle, enable, or ignore them.

How do we release eagles to soar rather than kites we control?

One of the most important things for any parent to remember is that your child’s success is not entirely reliant upon you!. Lots of other factors are at play. However, the foundation you lay will have a lasting effect on your child and will impact his or her life choices and worldview. And, your parenting style will impact their outcomes.

With that, let’s visit some real-world examples of how parents unintentionally give their children strings:

  • helicoptering (hovering, reminding constantly, orchestrating their every plan, interfering, nagging)
  • performance-driven (excessive pressuring of kids for their achievements and accomplishments; valuing performance above the person)
  • vicariousness (living life through the child; glorying in his or her successes and agonizing in his/her defeats as if they are the parent’s own)
  • enabling (failing to enforce discipline or accountability, not letting him/her fail and face consequences)
  • overprotection (being overly fearful of outside influences and perceived dangers; not allowing kids to experience enough of the real world to make informed choices; not permitting them to make their own decisions)

In contrast, we empower our kids when we train them with strong internal guiding principles and give them freedom, opportunity, and accountability according to their desires and maturity. Here are some examples of giving our children wings:

  • healthy separation (understanding that teens are their own persons separate from their parents)
  • trust and grace (giving them incremental freedom as it is earned through demonstrating responsibility and integrity; extending forgiveness and taking steps to re-establish trust when it is broken)
  • equipping (strategically training them to handle real world responsibilities and situations)
  • empowering (letting them experience new/different kinds of people and challenging situations with trust and guidance; appreciating their unique design and interests and encouraging them accordingly; having them make their own decisions and supporting them through the consequences)

Ultimately, raising young adults is not about us and our identity, interests, or agenda. It’s about doing what’s best for our kids—guiding them to fulfill their dreams and purpose. Empowering them to live confidently and independently, with integrity and impact. When we give our children wings, we give them one of the greatest gifts of all—our unwavering belief in them. It’s huge!

Parents (as well as teachers and your mentors): what are your own methods for preparing your teen for the real world? What’s your parenting style? Do you struggle with overmanaging, or the opposite, enabling? Share your triumphs and struggles, we would love to hear from you! – See more at: http://dennistrittin.com/view_blog.aspx?blog_id=223#nogo2