teens

The Media and Your Teen: What is the Entertainment Culture Telling Them?

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ID-10081618Has this happened to you? You tell your teenager something a hundred times over and get nowhere. Then someone slightly cooler comes along, says the same thing, and gets an instant response.  Don’t worry. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s a normal phenomenon!

As the teen years progress, most moms and dads notice their teens pulling away and gravitating more to peers and other “voices” in their life. As their parent, it pays to get to know who those other voices are—both the good and potentially not-so-good. It will prepare you to understand, support, and let go at the right times with confidence (and to reel them in a bit when necessary). Some “voices” you’ll want to be paying attention to are:

  •             Other adults
  •             Friends
  •             Your home
  •             Their inner voice (conscience)
  •             The media/internet/entertainment industries

There is a host of voices competing for our teens’ attention and not all of them are human. The media, entertainment industry, and the internet are great examples. What are these all saying to your teen? And just how powerful a voice are they in shaping their values and behaviors? The answer is extremely.

The average American teen:

  • watches approximately three hours of television a day
  • views TV an average of 17 hours per week and listens to several hours of music per day
  • spends more than 38 hours per week using media in general (TV, videos, computers, tablets, smartphones, and video games)
  • uses the internet an average of two hours for four days per week
  • has watched 15,000 hours of TV by the time he/she graduates from high school, compared to 12,000 hours spent in the classroom.

Our kids belong to the most technologically connected generation ever. Today’s teenagers are watching more video on mobile devices (computers, laptops, tablets, smartphones, etc.) and less on the traditional TV. Online, they shop, post and view photos, read messages and articles, chat, play games, and glean all kinds of information about the world and life in general. This dramatically affects our kids. Every day they are receiving hundreds of messages about what is true (or not), what is important (or not) and what is cool (or not). The values they absorb from these voices can have a huge impact on their later success in life. Take sexuality, just for example.

Typical teen media consists of heavy doses of sexual content. Sex is often presented as a casual, recreational activity without risk or consequences. Don’t think this doesn’t affect our kids’ values and choices! It has tremendous potential to distort their sense of reality. If kids see a behavior on TV and in movies often enough (or hear about it in song lyrics), they can start to think it’s not a “big deal,” even if personal or family values urge otherwise. Peers can reinforce this.

So, guess what listening to these particular “voices” produces: earlier and earlier sexual activity.[i]Teens who said they listened to music containing overt sexual messages were found twice as likely to become sexually active within the following two years. Not cool.

Regardless of what parents tell them is right, safe, or wise, media content is often a loud voice encouraging teens to act contrary to their (and their family’s) established values. Does this mean we shut it all off and take away the tablets, computers, TV, and iPods? No. It does mean we should make an effort to know these voices in our child’s life, just like we want to know what the other voices in their lives are saying to them—their teachers, coaches, and peers. A parent’s role is not simply that of a police officer (especially the further you get into the teen years); it’s moderator, counselor, and guide.

Your child’s use of media, internet, and entertainment can provide you with a great opportunity to initiate conversations about values, discernment, and choices. Be aware of what your child listens to and watches.  Create safe venues to discuss your respective thoughts, feelings, and values related to the content. Make sure they have positive growing relationships with other adults that will tell them the same things you would. Don’t let the negative voices of culture do all of the talking, particularly on potentially life-altering subjects.

Are you aware of the messages your teen is receiving from the media? What have you done to combat the negative voices your teen is receiving that may contradict your family’s values? Do you have TV and/or internet use rules in your home?

Photo: Freedigitalphotos.com, by stockimages

4 Components of Intentional Parenting

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From as far back as I can remember I looked forward to becoming a dad. When I was young, I could regularly be found on the basketball court or ball field, coaching the neighborhood children like a modern-day Pied Piper. I figured that a love for children was the main ingredient to being a great dad and didn’t really think much beyond that. And, then along came our first child—a bundle of joy and energy. And energy. Oh, did I say, “energy?”

But, within three hours of arriving home from the hospital with our newborn son Michael, the thermometer indicated a temperature of 105! Our bliss quickly turned to panic and a little voice was telling me that maybe this dad thing wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Truth be told, it wasn’t.

What have I learned in 25 years of fathering? “A lot,” as our kids will attest! For now, I’d like to focus this post on the importance of having an intentional mindset. In today’s frenetic pace, it’s more important than ever. This is what it looks like…

  1. Understanding and accepting the responsibility that comes with parenting.  

Great parenting isn’t just about having fun or keeping our children happy. We are primarily responsible for loving, nurturing, training, affirming, supporting, and empowering our children to be independent and responsible adults. It’s about helping them develop their leadership qualities and preparing them for life and the key decisions awaiting them, as well as having the courage to show tough love when behavioral modification is needed.

  1. Having agreement on the parenting team

It’s crucial that parents and guardians be on the same page when it comes to goals, attitudes, and methods. Think of it as one team, one dream! Understanding and agreeing on our parenting responsibilities is a team effort where each partner needs to support, encourage, and reinforce the other. To do otherwise will lead to fireworks and to children who will manipulate the “weaker party” on an issue. If you and your child’s other parent are not together, you can still have a unified front on parenting methods. Try to put aside any other differences and find places of agreement on your parenting goals.

  1. Remembering you’re not just raising children—you’re raising future adults

In these days of helicopter parenting, this one is crucial. What incremental responsibilities are you giving them as they mature? What habits, behaviors, and attitudes are they exhibiting today that will need correcting down the road if you don’t intervene now? What praises and recognition can be given for demonstrating responsibility beyond their years? It pays to start early in the process, so fewer corrections will be required in the later teen years, closer to the launch, when they’re exerting their independence.

  1. Recognizing it’s not about you

My wife and I are detail-oriented people who are stable in temperament and lack a creative bone in our bodies. So, wouldn’t it stand to reason that Michael would be a blend of these attributes? Ha! We soon learned that his gifts, interests, and temperament were not from our gene pool. We gave birth to a delightfully creative kid who was nothing like his parents. Not better. Not worse. Just different. And, while it took some time to figure it out, we learned to work with that.

Unfortunately, we see a growing trend of parents putting pressure on their children to be just like them (or someone else—like a successful friend or a “better performing” sibling). As parents, we should be striving to bring out the best in our uniquely designed children—whatever that may be—rather than parenting for performance or replication. That means letting them live their dreams, not ours.

By keeping these four points and our parenting goals in mind, we can enjoy a smoother ride and more reliable outcomes. When we are strategic, and most importantly—intentional—with our parenting, we will give our children, and our relationship with them, the best chances for success.

How do you ensure you are strategically and intentionally parenting your child or teen? What parenting goals have you developed?

This post was adapted from Parenting for the Lauch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World, by Dennis Trittin and Arlyn Lawrence, LifeSmart Publishing. To learn more about “parenting for the launch,” or to order a copy of the book, visit the website at www.parentingforthelaunch.com.

 

 

From Director to Encourager: Learning to Cheer from the Sidelines

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ID-1003929It’s likely some of you have students who will be on their way to college in a matter of weeks or days. Finally, their first taste of independence (and arguably the greatest milestone for their parents as well)!  So, how are you feeling about it? If you (or someone you know) has a college freshman about to start school, this post is for you!

 

I remember the first time I (Arlyn) heard the term “helicopter parent.” It was at my daughter’s college freshman orientation, where they separated parents and students into different rooms and gave us each a good talking-to. There they told us, in no uncertain terms, that helicopter parenting would be detrimental to our students’ success in college.

It’s pretty easy to imagine. A young adult is off to the real world—college or the work force—ready to make his or her mark in life. As he does, there is a helicopter hovering over him, the pilot barking advice through a megaphone. The copter sweeps in for closer views at times. Other times, it pulls away slightly but it is always a very real presence, with the whirl of its blades never too far away.

Our children’s generation has seen the rise of helicopter parents more than any other.. As they hover, they’re always advising and intervening, enabling and rescuing, offering opinions and sometimes outright manipulating. Why? Generally speaking, the reasons include “to be involved in my child’s life,” to “help,” and to “be an advocate.” Good intentions—but when they start to work against our ultimate parenting objectives, these efforts can actually become counterproductive and downright detrimental. Employers and school and college counselors are witnessing it in droves.

“Millennials have had helicopter parents who have protected them,” says Dan Jones, president of the Association for University and College Counseling Center Directors. “They haven’t had the opportunity to struggle. When they come to college and bad things happen, they haven’t developed resiliency and self-soothing skills.”[i]

Let’s back up and identify why this is such a problem today, since our parents’ generation didn’t suffer from it as much. Theirs was (again, generally speaking) more a generation of self-sufficiency—of parents and their adult children living their own lives. This, however, is the generation of highly involved parenting. This is the generation whose fathers are in the Lamaze classes and the delivery rooms, whose parents are at every ball practice, and some of whose moms (or dads) give up lucrative careers to take on the full-time career of parenting. And, they give it every bit as much effort and excellence as their corporate careers! Thus, was born the performance parent.

These involved parents serve on the committees at the preschool and bring cupcakes to every party, they make their kids’ beds and pick up after them, they sometimes DO their kids’ homework, and they make every personal effort they can to help their kids make the team, earn a 4.0, get the job …

So, guess who’s having a little trouble letting go when Junior goes off into the real world? (Hint: It’s not Junior!) Just check the Facebook posts of parents who are readying to launch their teen and you’ll see what I mean!

Young children need their parents A LOT. They need us to interpret the world for them, help them make decisions, recognize and avoid danger, choose the right kinds of friends, and know when to work and when to play. That being said, our role is an evolving one. In fact, our goal should be to eventually work ourselves out of a job! Well, sort of.

When our kids were little, we put training wheels on their bikes, and then took them off as they demonstrated increased strength, balance, and confidence. That’s how we should be approaching the teen years. We go from holding them on the bike with both hands, to keeping one hand on the seat, to letting them ride alone with training wheels, to taking off the training wheels and cheering like crazy from the sidelines. That’s what being a “chief encourager” is all about.

Going from director to chief encourager is one of the biggest challenges for parents during the years leading up to and including the launch. And truthfully, it can be a big challenge for teens as well (although they probably won’t admit it). Change isn’t easy for any of us. But if teens are going to be successful, confident adults, they need to be able to operate independently. If you haven’t started operating as your teen’s chief encourager (rather than pilot or director), it’s time to start practicing now! You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how your teen rises to the occasion as you gradually let go.

This blog post was adapted from Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World by Dennis Trittin and Arlyn Lawrence. To purchase, visit www.parentingforthelaunch.com.

Photo: freedigitalphotos.net, by Tim Seed

Parenting is a Team Sport

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Last Valentine’s Day, the parents of our teenage daughter’s best friend took the girls and a third friend out to a fancy restaurant. The dad gave the girls pretty rings and a pep talk about their priceless worth and the importance of loving and respecting themselves. He had contacted my husband Doug and me earlier to ask our permission and we happily consented.  After all, he was reinforcing something we felt strongly about and we were glad for Hillary to hear it from more than just us.

Doug and I (Arlyn) joke all the time that parenting is a “team sport”—and our team extends beyond ourselves as Mom and Dad. Some experts believe the magic number is five—that every teen needs at least five adult voices in his or her life that will reinforce positive values and a healthy self-image. For our kids, these voices have included:

  • their grandparents and other extended family members
  • family friends
  • youth group leaders/mentors
  • teachers and coaches
  • parents of some of their friends

It’s been rewarding to see the different perspectives and qualities these other “voices” have contributed, especially at times when Mom and Dad were a little less popular! They offered wisdom in diverse areas like:

  • work ethic
  • integrity
  • perseverance and self-discipline
  • relationships
  • financial management
  • spiritual life (faith, encouragement, prayer)
  • practical skills like construction, painting, cooking, and car repair
  • the value of family
  • aspirations for college and a successful career
  • modeling a lifelong marriage

Do you have the benefit of other influences in your teen’s life that will tell him the same things you would? The unique value of other adults in our teens’ lives is not just the wisdom they offer, but the fact that they are listened to. So, if our voices are temporarily devalued and our influence seems to be waning, we can recruit others to “shore us up.” Plus, sometimes other adults offer unique perspectives and insights that we as parents simply lack.

For example, when one of our kids was going through a rough patch in high school, his track coach stepped in and brought some much needed perspective, encouragement, and accountability. This coach was also our son’s AP Psychology teacher. Because of that expertise, he was able to offer him unique insights that spoke directly and objectively to his logical nature, helping him better understand himself and his reactions. It ended up being a win on a number of levels.

Guaranteed: your children will stumble here and there as they make great strides. Sometimes, they will want you there to pick them up, dust them off and set them straight again. Other times, they’ll prefer you keep your distance and let them handle it. In these instances, having those important third part voices in place will be great backup support.

If your teen is having a tough time, who in your life could become an asset for the situation? It always pays to know, and to keep them in your “hip pocket” just in case!

What do you think about the idea that “parenting is a team sport?” Who are other adults that you would consider to be on your “team?” If you need to shore this up, who are some likely candidates?

Stress Busting Tips for Parents and Teens: Part Three

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With graduation just a month or two away, stress is nearing an all-time high for soon-to-be graduates and their parents. That’s why we created a three-part series on ways to bust stress for parents and teens! This week is our third (and last) installment of our series, and it just so happens to be a guest post by teacher, mother, and advocate Tammy Walsh. (In case you missed the first two parts, here is the first and the second.)
Our guest author, Tammy Walsh, is a mother of two, a high school math teacher, and a contributor to The Five Moms Blog on Stopmedicineabuse.org. She has a passion for addressing the issue of substance abuse openly and honestly with both parents and teens. Through her work with The Five Moms, she hopes to reach more parents on a national level, educating and empower them with the tools to make positive changes in their communities. We invite you to join the conversation by following Stop Medicine Abuse on Facebook and Twitter. Thanks Tammy, for sharing your advice on relieving stress with our audience!

It’s always important to remember that even though certain aspects in our family lives are slowing down, our teens still have a lot going on. This can be a tense time of year, particularly for high school seniors who will have many important decisions to make in the next six to eight months. During this time period, it can be challenging for teens to effectively manage the stress that results from attempting to balance wrapping up high school and preparing for college with extracurricular activities and a social life, but we, as parents, must help them find the calm in the midst of what may seem like a storm. This transition is tough, but we can help make it as smooth as possible for our teen, and in turn, alleviate stress for the whole family.
Here are some tips for smooth transitioning:

Get plenty of rest. This is especially important for our teens as they need to be energized and able to perform at their peak – whether they are working on end of semester projects, studying for midterm exams or writing college applications. As parents, we also need restful sleep as it provides us with the energy to engage with our teens. Create a sleep ritual that will help you fall asleep on time and encourage your teen to do the same. Make your family go screen-less at least an hour before bed. This means no phone, no laptop, no TV. Instead, unwind with music or a book.

Unplug and decompress. Along the same lines as above, set time for the family to disconnect from phones and computers. We often get so caught up in our online lives that hours can pass before we even realize we haven’t had any physical activity or interaction. Emails, text messages and social app notifications can make us feel like we always have to be plugged-in, but at some point we may need a break from the constant phone-check. Encourage your family to meditate, reflect, have meaningful conversations or go outside and get some fresh air.

Don’t neglect hobbies. To avoid an abrupt transition for your teen, encourage him or her to keep up with his or her hobbies and favorite activities. There will be many changes for your teen in the future. However, through all the changes he or she may experience, setting aside time for hobbies can provide a sense of stability and a means of creative expression.

Maintain perspective. Celebrate milestones, but don’t exaggerate mistakes or failures. Blowing problems out of proportion can cloud the lesson that your teen may have otherwise learned from the situation. If your teen has broken a rule or received a bad grade, it’s important for both of you to take a step back and assess the situation rationally to reach the most beneficial solution. Also, it may help to think of the transition ahead as a new adventure of triumphs and challenges for the family to embark on together.
Give each other space. Sometimes, as hard as it can be for us parents to admit, our teens don’t need our constant advice, but rather space to process this new experience. The benefits of giving our teens this “alone time” extend to the entire family and will allow parents and siblings to handle the transition by themselves as well.

Changes, challenges and choices are standard stepping stones along the journey of life. During the teen years, it’s important that these moments are not marked by stress, tension or worry, but rather by confidence and a bit of curiosity. What other tips or tools have you used to guide your teen and family through a major transition, such as the transition from high school to college?

Stress Busting Tips for Parents and Teens: Part Two

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In the second part of our series on stress (check out part one here), we’ll focus on how we, as parents, can help control stress in our own lives as well as in the lives of our children. Of course, we want to be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem!

As parents, we play the leadership role in nurturing our children to be healthy, self -confident, and well-prepared future adults. That includes fostering healthy stress levels for all parties. With growing evidence that high adult stress is being passed on to our children, we’ve got a lot of work to do on ourselves!

Much can be gained by understanding our children’s stressors and how we may be contributing to the situation. Is our behavior or the way we are communicating with them stressing them out even more? To that end, here are some powerful parenting strategies to help reduce their pressure:

  1. Examine our influence. Are we tuned in to our children’s stress and whether we’re adding fuel to the fire? Do our children see us as part of the solution or part of the problem? Do we need some constructive change in our parenting?
  2. Value the child more than their performance. Several teen stressors can be attributed to overzealous, performance-focused parents with control issues. Is doing their best good enough? It should be. Our children need to know they are loved unconditionally for who they are, not what they do or how well they do.
  3. Avoid overcommitment. During the teen years, the desire for credentials can cause chronic overscheduling at the expense of sleep, exercise, and down time. Do our children have the capacity to apply their stress reducers?
  4. Alleviate decision-making pressure. Reassure them that their future will not depend on getting into a specific college or choosing a specific career. We need to let them live their dream without forcing the issue.

At the same time, we parents have our own share of stress to manage! Launching a teen into adulthood is a defining moment. It’s fraught with mixed emotions, important decisions, and, often relationship strains as they exert their independence. We marvel at how it happened so fast, inevitably with some regrets.

In our book, Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World, we offer strategies to help parents cover the bases, build an enduring relationship, and position our teens (and ourselves!) for a successful transition. Here are some stress-busting tips we share:

  1. Remember, you are not responsible for their life. You’ve offered love, security, wisdom, and guidance, but you’re not in the driver’s seat forever. You’ve moved over to the passenger seat and soon will be in the back seat. They’ll make mistakes just like you did, and that’s okay! Relax a little, release your control grip, and extend yourself some grace!
  2. Focus on building relationship capital. This is a critical time to invest in your relationship, even if you don’t see immediate payoffs. The keys are showing unconditional love, mutual trust, and understanding, and affirming their worth and potential. Do more “sharing with” than “talking to.” And, have fun!
  3. Recruit positive third party voices. Parenting really is a team sport. Actively seek out great adult role models who will reinforce your messages and develop relationships with your children. It’s a total win win!
  4. Remember, your identity reaches beyond your role as parent. For many parents (especially empty nesters), the launch of a child unleashes an epic identity crisis, causing them to hold on for dear life. This is a self-confidence destroyer for our children. Yes, life will change, but it can still be great!

Sure, the teen years offer unusual challenges and stress. But, handled constructively, they will position your teen to soar and your relationship to grow in new and wonderful ways. There’s nothing like it in the world.

Parents, how do you rate when it comes to your own personal stress level? How’s your relationship with your teen during this especially high-pressure season for them? Do you have any tips to share with other parents? We’d love to hear from you!

Stress Busting Tips for Parents and Teens: Part One

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I recently had an enlightening conversation with a college sophomore who is destined for a great future. She has a delightful personality and is blessed with a rare blend of analytical and interpersonal skills. Her resume of accomplishments is a mile long. So, can you imagine my surprise when she confided to being totally stressed out about her future? Will she find a job? Would she be accepted into a decent grad school? She doubted whether her 3.97 GPA was good enough.

Meanwhile, as an author and speaker, I meet with a wide variety of audiences, including teens, parents, educators, mentors, counselors, and business leaders. Which is the most needy, anxious, and stressed out? The hands down winner: parents of teens!

Although a little stress can be a good thing, too much can be unhealthy and counterproductive. Unfortunately, when it comes to the teen years, it appears that things are getting out of control for all parties.

What to do?

Let’s start with teens. For them, it’s a time of unprecedented growth, transition, and decisions about their future. Part child and part adult, they’re discovering their identity, building their credentials, and planning their next step. Soon, life will never be the same, and it can be overwhelming. They’re stressed about:

  • School—homework, grades, activities—doing well enough to punch the ticket
  • Social life—friendships, popularity, drama, peer pressure
  • Future—decisions about college, career, service, and building their resume
  • Busyness—overcommitment, time management, lack of sleep/down time
  • Family—relationship strains and living up to their parents’ expectations

That’s a lot!

With that, here are some helpful stress-busting strategies for teens:

  1. Keep a healthy perspective. Everyone has stress—the question is how we deal with it. Do we take charge and channel it into a productive plan or do we let it consume us? Do we focus on what we can control and make the best of situations where we can’t?
  2. Be self aware. Identify the chief sources of your stress and ways they may be prevented or limited. Call out any underlying fears and explore ways to alleviate them. Understand and tap into your most helpful stress busters (e.g., exercise, quiet time, prayer, music/movies, humor, sharing with friends and family, serving others). And, be sure to get your rest, eat well, and confide in your loved ones.
  3. Focus more on process than outcome. Stress levels rise when we emphasize specific outcomes rather than simply doing our best. Examples include GPAs, admission to specific colleges, dating, making the team, and selecting our career/major. There is no single pathway to success, including which college you attend. And, for most high schoolers, it’s premature to know which major/career is the best fit. Finally, today’s “friend count” will seem silly in hindsight as you preserve a smaller core of loyal friends who matter most.
  4. Keep balanced and develop good time management skills. Today, busyness, distraction, and overcommitment are interfering with our balance and productivity. Now is the time to sharpen your prioritization skills and to view your time as a precious asset. Manage your pace. And, when deciding which activities to pursue (technology included!), always consider their value and time requirements and your available

During this incredibly stressful time, teens are feeling a lot of pressure and are pulled in many different directions. As their parents, teachers, and mentors, we need to rally around them and help them apply the above principles to keep that stress under control. If you have a teen in your life who is worried about their future, we’d love for you to share this post with them! And remember, stay tuned for the next portion of this series: stress-busting tips for parents!

How do you personally deal with stress? If you have a teen who is stressed about college, how have you helped them deal with it? What has been the most stressful part of raising a “future adult” for you? We’d love to hear from you!

8 Benefits of Understanding Your Teen’s Unique Personality

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Parents, how well are your messages getting through to your children? Are they hitting the bull’s eye or missing the entire dart board? Here are some strategies to help you connect with your kids like never before.

The fact is even our most well-intentioned communications will fall on deaf ears unless we have a strong relationship based on mutual understanding. Since every child is unique (ours are polar opposites!), we need to relate to them personally and individually. This involves customizing our communications to their unique personality and behavioral style. Unfortunately, there’s no surefire “one size fits all” approach.

A good relationship between any two people, parent-child or otherwise, rests on a platform of mutual respect and valuing each other’s unique qualities. Just because we’re shooting for the same objectives with our teens (e.g., solid leadership foundation, strong character, self confidence), doesn’t necessarily mean we should use the same communication style for each of them. Teens vary remarkably in their needs, reactions, communications, and behavioral styles. This impacts how they relate to us and to the world around them.

The point is, we must be students of our children’s temperaments and personalities in order to accomplish our objectives. One helpful tool for you to consider is the DISC personality test which is available free at www.123test.com. It offers great insights on behavioral style for the entire family. Your children will understand you better, too!

By understanding how your children are wired AND how their personalities interact with yours, you can accomplish these important relationship goals:

  1. identify what motivates (and discourages) them
  2. appreciate their strengths and be empathetic toward their challenges
  3. communicate in such a way that they receive your messages in the manner intended
  4. respond to them in such a way that they feel safe, heard, and understood
  5. refrain from overly imposing your own nature, preferences, and ambitions on them
  6. have realistic expectations of them
  7. respect your differences
  8. develop parenting strategies that work best for you, and ultimately, for them

Take some time to reflect on your interactions with your children—when do they go especially well and when do you butt heads? Is your teen more laid back or high energy? People or task oriented? Disciplined or carefree? Emotional or logical? Now, think about your own unique personality. How is it different from your children’s, and in what ways is it similar? Consider your differences and similarities and allow it to inform your communication style. You’ll hit the bull’s eye that much more.

How is your communication with your teen? Do you have a strong understanding of their unique personality? Do you parent your children differently? Feel free to share your own experiences, tips, and lessons learned with us!

4 Tips to Help Teens Listen to Their Conscience and Stick to Their Values

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Parents and teachers, your teens and students are facing tough decisions every single day, and their choices are only going to get more difficult. Where should they go to college? What should they major in? Should they really go to that party? Should they take things to the next level with their boyfriend or girlfriend? This week’s post focuses on choices, and how to ensure your teen is equipped to stick to his or her values and make the right call. We encourage you to share it with the young people in your life or use it as a tool in your classroom or household.

Life is a series of choices, some planned and some not. Some involve fun, while others involve pain and heartache. Some are made from the mind after lots of thought and reasoning, while others are made impulsively from the heart or what “feels right.” Some turn out well and impact our lives for better, and some we regret.

Are your kids ready to make the right choices, both now and in the future?

I had the privilege of working for an inspiring leader, George Russell, who could distill the complex down to profound, but simple truisms. One of them was, “If you’re not sure whether to do something, imagine it as the headline in tomorrow’s newspaper.” Wow! How’s that for clarity and common sense? This works like a charm in our professional and academic lives, but also our personal lives, too—heeding that “inner voice” that has our best interests at heart. I know every time I ignored what my conscience was telling me, I lived to regret it. And, I know I’m not alone!

In a cultural climate where “values” are often measured on a slippery scale of personal taste, convenience, self-gratification, and “tolerance,” kids can get into real trouble when they dismiss the caution signals. That’s why helping young people identify their values and strengthen their conscience is so important. It’s more than important…it’s crucial!

Yes, this is what some refer to as “conscience training.” In times of growing independence, freedom, and opportunities, young people are increasingly faced with risky situations that require quick decisions. In some cases (many that involve alcohol, drugs, sex, social media, and cheating), one bad decision in the heat of the moment may do irrevocable harm to their reputation, college career, personal health and safety, or relationships, and derail their future plans and dreams.

That’s why having—and always listening to—that inner voice is so important in high-risk situations. Here are some ways to help set your teen up for success when it’s their turn:

  • Have them talk about their non-negotiable values. Moreover, encourage them to write them down and stick them in a school binder or on their desk. Make sure they don’t forget the principles that are important to them. These values are a big part of their brand.
  • Realizing that most unhealthy choices involve succumbing to peer pressure, be sure they understand their value and surround themselves with positive people and influences who have their best interests at heart.
  • Discuss potential situations that may put their reputation and integrity at risk. Remind them their best bet is to avoid high-risk situations altogether. And, if they can’t avoid them, they should at least decide in advance how they will react if their values are tested.I’ve heard far too many stories of people who didn’t heed this advice and whose futures were severely impacted because of it. They often lose years of momentum and wander confused and broken in the aftermath. Many times this could have been avoided had they asked themselves these simple questions:

“How will my conscience feel in the morning? What is it telling me to do right now?”

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to make a choice that challenged your value system? Did you have the courage to go with your values over the pressure you received from others? Share your experiences with your teen. Remember that life is about learning and recovering from our mistakes, and that stories are often the best teachers.

Note: We encourage you to visit our Resources page and download your FREE copy of our Personal Balance Sheet Assignment to share with the young adults in your life. Making sure they understand their own value is a crucial part of making good choices!

Are You and Your Students “Launch Ready?”

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With spring break just around the corner, the end of the school year is within sight. As parents, teachers, and mentors of high schoolers, this should be a thoughtful time of year for all of us. Are the kids in our lives prepared for the real world after graduation? If not, what’s high on our “to do” lists? If our students are currently juniors or sophomores, are they already preparing for the next step? What kind of life are they envisioning after high school?

Let’s be honest. When we contemplated having children, what did most of us think about? Likely our minds were filled with images of babies, toddlers, and elementary school-aged kids. Visions of their first day home, their first steps, their first words, their first ride without training wheels, their first day of school, Little League games, and dance recitals gave us a sense of joyful anticipation of what the future held.

I’d be willing to bet that very few of us pictured a teenager being launched from our loving arms into the real world. It’s seems so far down the road that it really doesn’t enter our minds at the outset. After all, we have SO much time before we get to that point, right? Then reality hits—and they’re off—just like the blink of an eye.

If we did think about the teen years, we probably thought about Friday night football games. We might have pictured ourselves helping them with homework and projects, or we may have imagined helping them learn to drive their first car, or seeing them off to senior prom.

Sure, those are important hallmarks of adolescence in American culture. But, if those cultural images were as far as our imaginations were able to take us, something was missing.

In our work with educators, youth mentors, and business and community leaders, we are hearing an overwhelming and urgent cry. They tell us the current generation of young adults, generally speaking, is emerging into the world grossly underprepared to succeed. Consider these facts:

  • One in four high school students fails to graduate, according to the Washington Post.
  • In a ranking of 18 industrialized nations, the United States ranked ninth in college enrollment and dead last in college completion.
  • The average current teen jobless rate, as of this writing, is 23.7%.
  • Over and over we hear that many employers prefer to hire older job applicants, because they are more reliable, better mannered, more motivated, and have a stronger work ethic.

How did we get to this current state of affairs? And what can we parents be doing to equip and empower our teens for success in the real world and reverse this course? As parents, it is imperative to provide our children with the wings they need to thrive in the real world. That means strategically equipping them for independent adulthood, starting now! So, gather the tools you need for your toolkit to prepare YOU (and your children!) for the ride ahead.

We wrote Parenting for the Launch: Raising Teens to Succeed in the Real World for such a time as this. We hope you check it out at here. And, here’s a checklist to help prepare for this milestone.

Do you have a young person that you are preparing for “launch time?” How are you ensuring they’re properly equipped? Do you feel “ready?” If you haven’t yet, check out our book, Parenting for the Launch, for an arsenal of easily applicable advice for you and your teen as you position yourselves for this upcoming milestone.