With all the busyness that parenting teenagers entails (homework, sports, after-school activities, sleepovers, college applications, financial aid, finals, parent/teen relationship struggles, etc.), sometimes practicing good communication can fall to the wayside. It’s important to remember that we will never influence and empower our teens to be their best selves without applying effective communication strategies .

Are you struggling to “get through” to your teen? Feeling like you don’t know how to communicate with them as they’re gaining independence and you’re releasing control? This second installment in our three-part series will fill your toolbox with practical ideas to set them up for success (and feel good about it yourself, too!).

If you missed the first two strategies, check out last week’s blog.

 Strategy 3: Value and recognize the person more than the performance.

We all want our children to do their best. But, isn’t it more important for them to be their best? Over the past decade or two, our culture has been breeding “performance parents.” You know, folks who define their own identity and success by the performance of their children. You see it in the stands at Little League games and the desire for “bragging rights” when socializing with other parents.

I witness this firsthand when I speak with teenagers at schools. Many are heartbroken and resentful because of the pressure they feel, the comparison to siblings who are performing better, and the perceived lack of interest by their parents in the person they’re becoming. It’s not healthy and these pressure tactics don’t set them up for success. Rather than feeling valued, they feel controlled, as if managed by a driving supervisor..

Whenever possible, honor the admirable character qualities and behaviors of your children. Instead of simply praising their 3.5 GPA, honor their perseverance, discipline, efforts to improve, character, resilience, and dedication to excellence. Recognize their journey and what got them there, not just the destination. Express your pride in them, even when they don’t take first place. Show them that your love and belief is unconditional. Help them see how much you believe in them.         

 Strategy 4: Test the waters and start with positivity.

It’s not uncommon for teens to experience greater mood swings for reasons we don’t always know or understand. It’s hard when the child who at one point couldn’t stop talking is now the aloof and uncommunicative teen. Sometimes they just need to be alone. It’s important we respect that. It’s been one of my biggest growth areas as a father because I’m an analytic and so interested in their world.

When your teen is quieter than usual, it pays to test the waters with simple, non-controversial questions to take his or her “communication temperature.” If his answers are brief, or his mood seems closed, give him space and let him know that you’ll be around to chat if he wants. Try again the next day, or when you notice his or her temperament is a bit more upbeat and open. Here comes the most crucial part: try to start your conversations with a positive tone or topic. Even when we have tough conversation topics to discuss, it helps to get off on the right foot by saying something that will be appreciated. Negativity from the outset will only close the door. (Note to parents: If you notice your teen’s lack of communication is extended or out of character for them, it may be a sign of deeper struggles they’re experiencing. Be attentive to that possibility and gently ask if everything is okay.)

Communicating with teenagers who may be moody, closed-off, or eager for independence can be difficult. I’m sure it was for our parents, too! Remember to recognize their journey (not just the end result), give them space when they need it, and stay positive.  Stay tuned for next week’s post to learn more strategies for effectively communicating with your teenage children or students.

What strategies have you employed when it comes to communicating with your teen? Have you found some methods that work—and some that don’t? Feel free to chime in—we’d love to hear from you!

After just finishing up a weekend that focused on all things “Mom,” (and what a great weekend it was!), parenting is fresh on my mind. Parenting is good work. It’s certainly not easy, but it’s vitally important work that forever impacts the lives of the next generation. As I reflect back to when I was parenting young teens, I am reminded of the importance of intentionality in this season of life.. In fact, there is one area that can either make or break your relationship with your teen. Can you guess what it is?

 Communication!

In order to set our kids up for success in adulthood, parents must be effective communicators. The crux of it is this: We may have all the wisdom in the world to offer, but if we package it in an unappealing way, it won’t stick.

Today’s post is the first installment in a three-part miniseries about communicating with our teens and is based on one of the most important chapters in Parenting for the Launch. We hope these strategies help you engage with your teens in a way that promotes trust and mutual respect, while still empowering and influencing them in a positive way.

Strategy 1: Meet them where they are.  

It took me far too long to realize that my kids, Michael and Lauren, were much more communicative at different times and places than others. Deep dinner conversations, chats during commutes, and all the times that were convenient for me often didn’t work for them. I learned that our best conversations were away from home at coffee shops or restaurants. A change of environment made all the difference in the world in terms of their willingness to share with me.

My wife, Jeanne, and I also learned that doing something with your kids (e.g., cooking a meal, watching a show, playing games, listening to music, taking a walk, building something, having a manicure or pedicure, or playing a sport) works. We noticed that a little distraction can take the “heaviness” out of a parent/teen conversation and cause them to open up more. It really helped build relationship capital by enjoying the experience and the conversation—and it could do the same for you!

Find the time and place that works best for your teen and sacrifice your convenience for them at this critical time. Notice what environments bring out more conversation and which don’t and operate accordingly. If they’re not in the mood to talk, let it be and don’t take it personally. After all, they have their own rhythms, too.

Strategy 2: Focus more on understanding and listening.

Because parents have the benefit of experience and wisdom, it’s easy for us to overly direct and control our conversations. The busier we are, the more we run this risk. We can easily do most of the talking and give them advice without first listening to their perspectives and feelings. Sometimes they just need to vent and only want us to listen. We can fall into a trap of prejudging and jumping to conclusions, without giving them the benefit of the doubt and respecting their opinions. Without realizing it, we’re devaluing them, harming our opportunity to influence and their opportunity to grow.

It’s amazing to see the difference in our conversations if our goal is merely to understand, share, and relate. By asking open-ended questions, valuing their opinions (even if you disagree), and focusing more on listening than talking, you’ll build capital and grow deeper in your relationship.

Bottom line: think “share with” rather than “talk to.” It’s a telltale sign that you’re treating them as the adult they are becoming, and they’ll appreciate you for it.

Do you have any special strategies for communicating with your teen? What have you noticed works well in your own parent/teen relationship? Stay tuned for next week when we will dive into two more communication strategies.